Dear everyone
Foundation training begins Monday 28th February for 5 weeks
It's the middle of February, the time when signs of spring are emerging (at least in London), and the rain and the winds are still letting us know that this is technically still winter, no matter how much we long for the burst of 'yang energy' that is spring and the festival of summer. It's almost like we are in moment of waiting ... longing for something different .. and having to wait.
Receiving a No to a request or desire of ours can have a similar impact on our systems. It might seem like we are having to wait to get our needs met. I might long for a particular outcome and if i am committed to people living according to needs, i really might not get it because other people have needs too!
I'm very interested in saying No and receiving No and it's something that Nonviolent Communication can support with. To increase our capacity to see the needs that you or someone is trying to meet when you or they say No.
Hearing a no when i'm not connected to the other person's needs is often accompanied by disconnection; by a sense of wounding that i'm not loved or cared for. It gets very messy, very quickly.
Some of us might find it easy to say No but do it in a way that disconnects us from how the other person might receive it (my needs at all costs). Some of us, might find it impossible to say no to someone (for all sorts of personal historical and systemic reasons) so we find ourselves doing things that we don't want to do, getting further and further adrift from our own needs and sailing into an ocean of resentment and confusion.
There are several things that support Saying and Hearing No in your connections.
1.Make it really easy for people to say no to you. Invite No.Celebrate the Nos when they come
As Manasi Saxena says in this conversation we had
Walking Together Through Conflict (at 18 mins) "The community said No to us, we thought this was fantastic as we really want people to be able to say no".
If we can't say no, we aren't really saying yes. Our yeses are tainted with habit, power relations, submission, default patterns. They aren't fuelled by needs.
2.Fully feel the impact of a No on your system.
Don't bypass the impact of it when it happens. Feel it. Feel the disappointment , the hurt, the anger you might experience fully. And then connect more deeply to your needs. See if the No actually does meet needs of yours (For example, if you wanted to see a friend and they are busy, you might be disappointed but it means you get some rest instead, which might be sorely needed.)
3.When you are saying No, see if you can connect to how your No actually meets needs for your relationship or friendship.
For example, I want to see you when i'm feeling alive and rested. I don't want to be tired and grumpy in your presence, because i value our connection and want to bring my best self to it.
Do let me know if this exploration has been useful for you, and if NVC doesn't help you, getting out to the park and walking barefoot might do!.
Please tell the people in your life about my next
Foundation Training begins 28th February for 5 Monday evenings STILL A FEW PLACES LEFT
If you have done a Foundation Training, you could do any Intermediate training, see here for
full list of 2022 trainings
The next one is with Daren de Witt
Learning from our mistakes and expressing regret on March 5th and 6th
My next one is on
16th and 17th July 2022 on Requests to Restore Flow
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And here are all upcoming trainings
with trainers around the UK most of which are still on line
One to one support
