1

Offer specific forms of help after horrific news

Last weekend, Christina Yuna Lee, a 35-year old Korean American woman in New York City, was followed home and murdered in her apartment. As author Michelle MiJung Kim shared on LinkedIn: “it’s a horrific situation that too many women fear every single day.”

A year ago, during a distressing wave of violence against Asian American people, CNBC interviewed Kim Tran, PhD, asking what colleagues can do to support their AAPI (Asian American and Pacific Islander) peers. In addition to letting people know you’re aware of the news and are thinking about them, Tran recommends the following:

“Asking someone an open-ended question — “how are you feeling?” or “is there anything I can do for you?” — can create an emotional burden for the recipient in their response.

Instead, as a coworker, you might acknowledge that the news is distressing, and then offer to take a meeting off their plate, extend a deadline or pitch in on a project. Let the person impacted dictate how they want to do their work, and at the same time be explicit in your offer of support based on what they need.”

2

Be an upstander, not a bystander

In Horrific allegations of racism prompt California lawsuit against Tesla, I learned that “The N-word and other racist slurs were hurled daily at Black workers at Tesla’s California plant, delivered not just by fellow employees but also by managers and supervisors.”

That’s not all. The lawsuit also alleges that Tesla segregated Black workers into areas that employees called “porch monkey stations,” “the dark side,” “the slave ship” and “the plantation.” And that the company was slow to remove racist graffiti.

In addition to this harassment, the lawsuit says that Black workers were denied promotions, paid less for the same jobs, and disciplined for infractions when other workers were not.

I wonder if anyone said or did anything.

Workplaces everywhere, and especially Tesla, need more upstanders and fewer bystanders. We need more people who see wrong-doing and take action. People who push back on offensive comments or jokes. People who aren’t comfortable with the status quo.

When you see racism at work, do you do something? Do you say, “Not cool” or “We don’t do that here”? Do you ask, “What makes you say that?” If not, now’s the time to start.

3

Approach mentoring as a learning exchange

After reading my suggestion to allies to mentor a Black coworker, Sumayyah Emeh-Edu, who is the Vice President of Diversity, Equity & Inclusion at Canopy Growth Corporation, contacted me. She encouraged me to view mentoring as a learning exchange. In other words, it’s not an activity that someone in a dominant group or position of authority does for someone else. By contrast, we should consider it a partnership where both people learn together.

I love this mindset. Sure, when we share our experiences and advice with others, we have the opportunity to help them grow in their careers. But mentoring is a two-way street, and we'll learn from mentees and grow in our careers, too.

In hindsight, my advice should have been “Enter a learning exchange with a Black coworker.”

Thank you, Sumayyah.

4

Use gender-neutral salutations

Tiffany Timbers PhD, an assistant professor at the University of British Columbia, recently tweeted:

“Why would you write a reference letter for a student and address the admissions committee as ‘Dear Sirs’?

Asking for some Professor whose reference letter I am reading right now…”

Allies, when addressing or greeting people, let's use gender-neutral terms. Like “Dear Colleagues” or “Dear Committee Members.”

5

Understand DARVO

In the latest episode of The Visible Voices podcast, Dr. Resa Lewiss and Kevin Webb interviewed Jennifer Joy Freyd, PhD about institutional betrayal, institutional courage, and her concept of “DARVO.” DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. The perpetrator may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender, so that the perpetrator adopts the victim role and accuses the true victim of being an offender.

What does DARVO look like? Here’s one recent example, shared by Lewiss in her podcast: Women spoke up, men cried conspiracy: inside Axel Springer’s #MeToo moment. In an article from Stanford’s Clayman Institute, I found some more:

“Notorious and infamous examples are Bill Clinton’s reaction to Lewinsky’s accusations (‘I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. These allegations are false’); Donald Trump’s vituperations against claims of sexual harassment and misconduct (‘These claims are all fabricated, they’re pure fiction and they’re outright lies’) and Harvey Weinstein’s general practice of smearing the reputation of women who refused his sexual advances.”

DARVO is a form of gaslighting that uses power to maintain inequality. As Freyd explained on the podcast, the victim is more likely to blame themselves, third parties tend to doubt the victim’s credibility, and the perpetrator obtains a favorable outcome.

Now for some uplifting news. Freyd’s research shows that education about DARVO reduces its power to destroy the victim’s credibility.

Which is why I’m sharing this information with you.

Look for DARVO in your workplace. It might show up as a simple, “I didn’t mean any harm, they’re making a big deal out of nothing. In fact, if they were more of a team player, I’d be better able to get more of my work done on time.”

That’s all for this week. I wish you strength and safety as we all move forward.

— Karen Catlin (she/her), Author of Better Allies®