The downhill slide away from purity is almost always done alone.
This causes damage to both the solo traveler and many innocent bystanders. However, the walk back to purity cannot be done alone and involves both partnering with new trusted partners for help, as well as the betrayed and betrayer working together to form a new basis for a relationship.
At the February 2022 Continuing Leader Training Dr. Alan Wheatley spoke to us about couple’s recovery, what it looks like, and how to achieve it. Sexual addiction has three trauma components, and all three must be healed for complete resolution: addict trauma, partner trauma, and couples trauma. The addict trauma is typically rooted in shame, partner trauma is dealing with PTSD, and couple’s trauma is the severance of trust. Each of the three requires different work and different people involved.
The couple’s route to restoring relationship requires rebuilding trust, which is based on safety, which requires the foundation of understanding, empathy, and validating feelings. The work starts at the foundation and a lot of time is typically spent in this area. Trust also comes from stability, which comes from consistency, predictability, and reliability. This is the “durability over time” taught in HH and FMO.
Steps in restoration include: atone, attune, and attach. Atoning is work the addict does that involves owning the behavior and the impact it has had on their partner. Attuning is both people becoming aware of the real heart and mind of their partner, based on growing trust. Finally, attaching is solidifying the relationship over time by growing safety and trust.
The goals overall are:
- Conflict management
- Supporting boundaries
- Supporting recovery
- Disclosure preparation, implementation, and repair
- Healing from betrayed trauma
All of this work involves continued small steps, not big breakthroughs. It all involves time!
An important point brought up during the Q&A session is that recovery is not behavior modification, nor is it simply focusing on the addiction issue and resolving that. Addiction recovery is a whole life change. If the whole life changes aren’t happening, the betrayed partner won’t believe that the addiction is being worked on.
Recovery is living the life you want to live.
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