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The Eight Faulty Mindsets That Increase Power-Struggles and the
 Mindshifts That Engage Children’s Cooperation, Reduce Stress and Increase Joy.

By the time parents arrive in my office, most are feeling out of control and helpless. They are berating themselves for being incompetent in the face of a human a third their size and are often frustrated and angry at their children for making them feel this way. They despair that the three to four precious waking hours (at best for working parents) they have with their children are spent in power struggles and negotiations. Lots of aggravation and not enough joy.
 
So, I asked myself, what is the missing piece of the puzzle? What is the obstacle to moms and dads being the parents they want to be? 

I found the answer as I carefully observed how the dynamics unfold between parents and children in their most challenging moments in the reality of their homes. I started incorporating home visits into my practice because parents were coming back, consult after consult, reporting that the strategies we had come up with in the comfort of my stress-free office were great, in theory. But back home, when confronted with their children making irrational demands, defying a direction, or saying and doing inappropriate things, they were triggered into reactivity mode and had a hard time implementing a “positive parenting” plan.
 
Visit after visit, I began to gain insight into the core stumbling block: parental mindsets that result in moms and dads reacting in ways that are ineffective and often increase the intensity and frequency of tantrums and other challenging behaviors. Until these subconscious beliefs become conscious, they continue to get in the way of parents acting on their best intentions.

In this newsletter, I share these 8 "faulty" mindsets and how making key mindshifts makes it possible for parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. These mindsets are the foundation of my new book; Why Is My Child In Charge?

1 - Mindset: My child is misbehaving on purpose. He should be able to accept limits and exhibit greater self-control.

Mindshift: My child is driven by his emotions and desires and needs help to learn to follow rules and cope with frustration and disappointment.
 
2 - Mindset: When my child tries to get his way, he is being manipulative.

Mindshift: My child is be­ing strategic, not manipulative. He is doing exactly what the DNA of a toddler or preschooler dictates—to find ways to assert control over his world.
 
3 - Mindset: I can control and change my child’s feelings and behavior. I can make him behave.

Mindshift: I can not control my child’s words or actions or make him do anything - sleep, eat, not thrown a tantrum, agree to get in the car seat, pee in the potty, and so on. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. What I do control is my own reactions, which shapes my child’s behavior.
 
4 - Mindset: Experiencing difficult emotions, such as sadness, fear, and anger, is harmful to my child.

Mindshift: Feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong. Difficult feelings are part of being human. I need to acknowledge, accept, and help my child learn to manage her emotions.
 
5 - Mindset: It is mean and rejecting to not give my child what he says he wants and needs. The tantrums that ensue when he doesn’t get what he wants are detrimental to him.

Mindshift: Just because my child doesn’t embrace them doesn’t mean that limits and boundaries are not good for him. The tantrums that ensue when my child doesn’t get something he wants are not harmful to him.
 
6 - Mindset: Experiencing failure is harmful for my child.

Mindshift: Failure is critical for learning and growing, as well as for building resilience. Rescuing my child will not help her develop self-confidence or grit.
 
7 - Mindset: Providing children clear directions and expectations is being harsh and dictatorial.

     Mindshift: Young children thrive when they know exactly what to expect.
 
8 - Mindset: My child harbors malicious intent when she is aggressive with her words and actions.

     Mindshift: My child doesn’t literally mean the things she says and does when she is triggered. Her “reactive” brain is in control in these moments, and she is just purging emotion.

How these mindsets play out in real life: A story from the parenting trenches

Daniel and Aviva come to see me because they are ensconced in endless power struggles with Gracie, their three-year-old. They are confused and concerned. They have read a lot about the importance of giving children choices and want to help Gracie feel empowered and have a sense of agency, but things are spiraling out of control. “She now thinks she’s an equity partner,” Daniel explains. They give her a choice about whether she wants mommy or daddy to do bath time. She chooses mommy, but the second Aviva goes to help Gracie into the bath, she insists, “No, daddy do it!” Aviva calls for Daniel, but—shocker—Gracie has changed her mind again and wants mommy. At book time, Gracie will insist that Daniel read to her even when it’s mommy’s reading night. She will make a huge ruckus and refuse to listen to the book until Aviva throws in the towel and gets Daniel to take over. At breakfast, Gracie asks for toast but insists on a whole new piece because Aviva cut it the wrong way. When Aviva tries to convince Gracie to accept the toast because it’s the same piece of bread regardless of how it looks, Gracie tells Aviva that she “doesn’t know anything about food” and that she wants daddy to make her toast the “right” way.

Daniel and Aviva are finding themselves exasperated and angry with Gracie much of the time, which saddens them. They have started to think of her as their “little fascist dictator.” They know that the dynamic with Gracie is unhealthy, but they feel stuck. They don’t know how to get her to accept limits and cope with not getting her way or having things done exactly as she expects.

The first step in our work together is to help Daniel and Aviva take a step back and analyze these encounters with Gracie: What do they think the meaning of Gracie’s behavior is? What kind of self-control do they expect from her at this age? What is getting triggered for them when she makes demands they think are unreasonable or she melts down when she doesn’t get her way? What stops them from sticking to limits that they believe are healthy and appropriate for her?

Through this process of reflection, Daniel and Aviva gain some important insights that lead to helpful mindshifts, the first of which is that Gracie isn’t purposefully trying to drive them crazy or misbehave. She is doing exactly what three-year-olds are driven to do, pursue their goals through whatever means are successful. And further, that her inflexibility—the need to have things done in exactly the way she demands, as irrational as it may be—is a feature of her temperament. Gracie is a highly sensitive little girl whose brain never turns off. She processes and overthinks everything. She gets overwhelmed by the flood of thoughts in her head. To make the world more manageable, she comes up with fixed ideas about how things should be, such as the way her toast needs to be cut or the exact spot where she wants Daniel to park the car when he picks her up from school at the end of the day. When she is overwhelmed, it can lead to very dysregulated behavior, such as the constant changing of her mind. She doesn’t know what she wants, so nothing Daniel or Aviva try to do to help satisfies her.

With this insight that Gracie is not being manipulative nor trying to drive them crazy on purpose, Daniel and Aviva change their mindset from “Gracie is a spoiled dictator” to “Gracie is a little girl who is having trouble managing her big emotions and needs our help to learn to cope with important limits and boundaries.”

Another mindset at play is that, when Gracie is distressed, Daniel and Aviva feel—at a cellular, gut level—that this emotional state is harmful to her. Daniel, in particular, is worried that Gracie will not feel loved if he says no to reading with her because it’s mommy’s turn. Daniel’s parents were cold and distant. He vowed that he was going to forge a close bond with his children. He doesn’t want Gracie to feel rejected by him. This mindset makes it especially hard for Daniel to set appropriate boundaries. What loving parent is going to set a limit if he thinks it will be harmful to his child? But, as we take an objective look at the dynamics during these power struggles, Daniel and Aviva are able to see that, by trying to accommodate all of Gracie’s demands, they are creating more distress and discord for everyone and fewer moments of joy and positive connection. In short, their approach is backfiring, resulting in exactly the outcome they are trying to avoid.

With this insight, Daniel and Aviva are able to make the mindshift from “It is mean and rejecting to not give Gracie what she wants” to “What Gracie wants is not necessarily what she needs and that the distress she experiences when things don’t go her way is not damaging to her.” In short, they are able to see that limits are loving.

A third mindset that needs shifting is that Gracie means exactly what she says. This is something Aviva is particularly struggling with because Gracie is going through a “daddy” stage. When Gracie is rejecting toward Aviva, criticizing her or pushing her away, Aviva is responding with hurt and anger, which is creating more tension in their relationship and amplifying Gracie’s favoritism toward Daniel. Once Aviva understands that going through these phases doesn’t mean a child loves one parent more than the other and that children blurt out all kinds of outrageous and sometimes venomous statements when they are in distress mode, she is able to shift her mindset from “Gracie means exactly what she says” to “Gracie is struggling to manage her complex emotions, and I can’t take her mean verbiage and actions at face value.”

Making these mindshifts—interpreting Gracie’s behavior through a new, corrective lens—enables Daniel and Aviva to make positive changes in how they handle challenging moments with her. They continue to give Gracie choices, but within limits. Accordingly, they decide that it is important for both of them to be part of the bedtime routine so they don’t give her carte blanche to decide who does bath time and books. The choice they give her is which parent will do bath and which will read books.

As is expected, the first night Daniel and Aviva implement the new plan, Gracie tests it. She chooses Aviva as the book reader but then quickly changes her mind and says she needs daddy. Aviva takes deep, calming breaths and reminds herself that the system she and Daniel have set up is loving, even if Gracie’s reaction suggests otherwise. (I think of this as the “positive parenting paradox.” Sometimes, what feels mean is actually loving, and what feels loving is not always what’s most helpful to a child.) This enables Aviva to acknowledge Gracie’s demand while sticking to the limit: “I hear that you want daddy to read, but this is a mommy book night. So I am going to continue reading. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to listen—that is your choice.” Gracie shouts that she will not pay any attention and pronounces, “Mommy, you are a bad reader.” She then proceeds to hide under the covers. Aviva reminds herself that Gracie does not mean exactly what she says. She is acting on her feelings in the only way she knows how. Getting reactive will only perpetuate this dynamic.

For his part, Daniel, who can hear what is transpiring from down the hallway, resists the strong temptation to go in to resolve the situation by caving to Gracie’s demands. Aviva proceeds to read the book with a lot of animation to clearly demonstrate to Gracie that she isn’t angry or hurt and that she isn’t going to be derailed by Gracie’s protests. Once Gracie sees that Aviva is going to stay the course and that daddy isn’t coming to read, she stops shouting, slowly emerges from under the blanket, and cuddles up for the remainder of the book.

The shifts in mindset that Daniel and Aviva make are life changing for them and Gracie. This lived experience of providing Gracie the boundaries she so desperately needs but that she has been so fiercely fighting has a powerful, positive, overarching impact. When she is spiraling out of control and can’t regulate herself to make a good decision, providing a clear boundary helps her more quickly regroup and get back into control. Now, Aviva and Daniel constantly remind themselves that just because Gracie might not like a rule doesn’t mean it’s not good for her. This new mindset has enabled them to feel much more comfortable and motivated to set appropriate limits across the board, which has resulted in the whole family experiencing much less stress and more joy.

Check out: Why Is My Child In Charge?

If you found this content helpful, check out the book. The first chapter takes a deep dive into the eight faulty mindsets. The remaining chapters address the most common challenges that arise in the early years: tantrums, cooperation, sleep, potty learning, and feeding battles. For each of these challenges, I show through detailed, real-life stories of my work with families (like the one shared above) how making important mindshifts can help you solve your own childrearing challenges. You will see how it is possible to be less reactive and thus better able to tune in to the underlying meaning of your child’s behavior: what she is struggling with and what she needs from you to better cope. This opens the door to developing strategies that are more sensitive and effective in reducing meltdowns, eradicating nightime and mealtime battles, helping your child learn to use the potty without power struggles, and how to become overall good problem-solvers.

 
 
Order my new book: Why Is My Child In Charge?
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Claire Lerner, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. I served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for 20+ years, where I oversaw the development of all parenting educational content. I have been a practicing clinician for over thirty years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. I also provide training to local preschools and pediatric residents. I am the author of numerous parenting publications, curricula and articles in addition to a podcast and video series for parents and professionals. I write a column for PBSkids.org and have also written columns for Parents Magazine. I have been a source on early childhood development for NPR and numerous national daily newspapers such as The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and USA Today.
Copyright © 2022 Lerner Child Development, All rights reserved.


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