Dear Pleo: I'm unsure of my child's new pronouns

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Compassionate answers for parents of children struggling with mental health challenges, and for those who support them.

"I am afraid they may regret making a life altering decision."

Dear Pleo,

My 12-year-old daughter has recently told me that she wants to be referred to with ‘they/them’ and has asked to be called by a new gender-neutral name. I am having a lot of trouble remembering to use ‘they/them.’ To be honest, I am not even sure that I support this. I am afraid that she may regret making a life altering decision at such a young age.

Sincerely,
Confused Parent

Dear Confused Parent,

As parents, we appreciate what it feels like to be caught off guard when a child shares unexpected news or information and believe that you are writing us because you want the best outcome for your child. Please remember that, as difficult as this is for you, it is likely much more difficult for your child. It took courage for them to share this with you, and what they need the most right now is your love and support in navigating their journey.

The concept of gender is more diverse than you might think

Gender is a far less rigid concept than many of us have been brought up to believe. Gender is not binary and can be fluid. Not all of us identify with the gender we were assigned at birth. There is no 'right' age when an individual navigates their gender, it is a personal experience.

Social Transition

From your description, it sounds like your child is initiating what is called a ‘social transition’. A social transition can include ‘coming out’ (sharing their gender with others), changing one’s name and pronouns, dressing and styling oneself differently, and/or using a different bathroom.

Follow the lead of your child and support them when they ask for help. If this feels uncomfortable for you, there are support groups available to help you learn more and to navigate your feelings.

Using they/them pronouns

Even if it feels strange at first, you will get better at remembering to use your child’s pronouns. This work requires intention and practice. Write messages using your child's pronouns or saying their pronouns aloud to yourself, or with a trusted person. Use your child's new name.

If your child gets angry with you for forgetting their pronouns, remember that they are probably frequently misgendered (accidentally and intentionally). Their frustration with misgendering is valid and, even though it may feel unfair, your child may consider you a safe person for them to vent their frustrations.

We are open 9am-7pm Monday to Friday. You can reach us at 613-321-3211 or 855-775-7005 (toll free).

Sincerely,

Your Pleo Family Peer Supporters

Media Resources

Book Nook: Transitions of the Heart: Stories of Love, Struggle, and Acceptance by Mothers of Transgender and Gender Variant Children.

Support Services

Support Services continued

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