We don't always have a choice, but we always have a choice😱

Friend,

Here is some advice I hated hearing after my sister’s death:

Too positive.

I didn't have a choice about whether Melissa lived or died. This lack of control made me feel like I had no choice about anything in life.

The "You always have a choice how you react" advice made me feel like it was my fault for feeling sad.

I ignored the advice.

The problem is it actually is good advice. I recently realized that by making comics about the 3 D’s, I make choices. I'm choosing to react to situations a certain way.

It feels weird.

It feels...positive?

(Image from Allie Brosh's Adventures in Depression).

Part of the reason I resisted reacting positively after Melissa’s death was that I was on a different life path before she died. I became a cartoonist after Melissa died. Did I become a cartoonist because Melissa died?

I worry if something good comes from my work—comics are therapeutic for me or they help someone else—it means Melissa “HAD TO DIE.” Otherwise, I never would have become a cartoonist/writer/person who clowns around.

(Skip to 1:01 for clowning).

Did Melissa's death somehow give me clarity on what matters to me? The idea feels sad. I don't want the reason I pursued clowning around to come from having a dead sister.

I like to think I would have found comics, and my voice, if Melissa was still here. Maybe the answer is immaterial. Maybe her death forced me to find more meaning. Maybe her death pushed me in the right direction (it also pushed me in the wrong direction. #thanksMelissa).

I made up my own advice:

Confused? Me too.

The D's will do that to you.

Have you ever had someone die, had something good come out of it, then been like “Wtf?” I want to hear your story. Write to me by responding to this email, or comment on Facebook or Instagram. I read every message.

Love,

P.S. Here is a great Hidden Brain podcast that discusses how to react to pain better.

They can sign up here

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Adventures with Vrah · 1101 3rd Street NW · Washington, DC 20024 · USA