Story of the Week:
“Boosting Your Emotional Intelligence”
Raising your emotional intelligence will result in being more creative, fulfilled, and living a happier life. To do this, we must dive into our negative emotions, call them out, and actively pursue strategies that will better enhance our lives. The results of doing this spurs our creative side and helps us make relatable connections with others. We did this last week with vulnerability and when I dove deeper into this topic, I discovered a new word I was unfamiliar with – but the meaning is something I have felt in my own life.
What’s the new word?
It’s called Schadenfreude, pronounced like this- click here.
By definition, schadenfreude is a combination of the German words Schaden, meaning “damage” or “harm,” and Freude, meaning “joy.” So, it makes sense that schadenfreude means joy over some harm or misfortune suffered by another. When first reading this, it might seem malicious, but when looking more closely at it, a very complex emotional landscape emerges.
Comparison is where schadenfreude begins-
In Brené Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (our book for this month), chapter 2 focuses on schadenfreude. She discusses how we compare ourselves to others. We strive to be just like everyone else, but better. By nature, we are competitive. We rank ourselves around alike things. If you’re a parent, you would compare yourself to other parents, athletes compare themselves to other athletes in their sport, and I compare myself to other artists/singers. Beyond this, we compare ourselves with friends and even those we don’t like. The comparison categories are endless, and many sociologists believe social comparison is something that happens to us; when we see someone who is better or worse off, we have no choice but to make a social comparison. Social media exacerbates this. At our fingertips, we now have constant comparisons. Comparison is where schadenfreude creeps in.
Pros and cons of schadenfreude:
We live in a world bent on chasing perfection and seeing other’s mistakes or misfortune can make us feel good, like we aren’t alone in our disappointments, but are part of a community of the failed. It can also give us a competitive edge to feel superior over someone. One great example of this could be a divorced couple. Observing their ex's misfortune can induce joy as it validates their personal identity and boots their self-esteem. These emotions are universal, and we have all felt them to some degree. It probably makes you feel a sense of guilt when you have these feelings, but know they are part of being human. There is a delicate balance though – if these feelings start to consume you, it will squash your creativity, inhibit you to make meaningful connections with others, lower your self-worth, and can lead to depression.
How to balance schadenfreude-
It’s impossible to get rid of this feeling completely, as we can’t help comparing ourselves, but we can choose whether or not to let those comparisons affect our mood or self-perception.
Here are strategies I’ve found through my readings:
*Focus on putting more freudenfreude into your life, which is the opposite of schadenfreude. Freudenfreude is the enjoyment of another person’s success.
This is incredibly beneficial for your brain and mental health! An example of freudenfreude could be a parent finding joy in the success of their child's soccer tournament. A person (the parent) is gaining this joy vicariously through someone else's success (their child).
So what is happening behind the scenes, and why do we feel happiness through freudenfreude?
We, as humans, are hardwired for connection and community. Freudenfreude allows us to feel empathy towards another individual. We have an understanding of what they have gone through- both the good and the bad. Being able to share these experiences with one another gives us a sense of belonging, and this sense of belonging is good for our wellbeing. Think about die hard football fans screaming "WE WON" as they exit the stadium. They are practicing freudenfreude.
To go more in depth with this topic, read this article from the World Journal of Psychiatry and Mental Health – The Role of Freudenfreude and Schadenfreude in Depression. Practicing freudenfreude actually reduces your chance of developing anxiety and depression.
*Adopt practices of gratitude and mindfulness – Rewire your brain to derive joy in healthier ways can be as simple as vocalizing what you’re grateful for in the morning.
*Create a joy list – Write down 10-15 activities that boost your mood. Then whenever schadenfreude creeps in, counteract it with healthy sources of joy and validation from your list.
*Take a social media break – Social media can amplify feelings of envy, anger, inferiority – feelings related to self-worth.
Read more about these strategies in Very Well Mind – Schadenfreude: How to Respond When Bad Things Happen to People You Don’t Like
*Open up about your feelings – If you are having these feelings about someone close to you, I’ve read many publications suggesting you tell the person how you feel in the most delicate way. Those who have done this all reported much healthier relationships moving forward.
Take a deeper look into your own life. When do you have these feelings? Who do you have them toward? What is the underlying reason you feel this way? What can you do to balance these feeling out, so they don’t eat you up? We must be emotionally flexible and not feel bad about our feelings, but instead, work on understanding where they are coming from. If you spend time answering these questions, you will increase your emotional intelligence, creativity, and ability to better connect with others, thus leading to a more fulfilled and happier life.
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