This is a topic I have wanted to write about for a long time, as it comes up every week in my consults. Of all the challenges parents face in trying their best to understand and support their children's development, this one causes the most distress and worry, understandably. 

It is also a very complex phenomenon that can be hard to fully comprehend, because we can't be in our children's brains and know exactly why they are saying something so alarming—what they are experiencing and trying to communicate.

I hope the insights and tools offered below help you feel more prepared to respond to your children in the way that they need in order to work through the difficult emotions and experiences they encounter as they navigate this complex world.

(Please note that the guidance below is geared toward children seven and under.) 

Negative Self-Talk: What it means and what you can do

“I am so stupid.”

“Nobody likes me.”

“You hate me. You don’t want me in this family.”

Children making negative proclamations about themselves is no doubt very distressing and disturbing. It is painful to think about your child feeling badly about himself. 

It is important to keep in mind that in these moments, children rarely mean exactly what they say. They are in a highly-charged state, flooded with big emotions that are difficult to experience and process. What they are actually struggling with may not be readily apparent to us OR to them. But it’s important that we seek to understand the underlying issues at play, and, most importantly, what our child needs in order to work through the distress the proclamations represent.

This requires us to manage our own anxiety in these moments. Big reactions from us can overwhelm children and shut them down. Staying calm, and reminding yourself that your child feeling safe to share his deepest feelings with you is a gift, will enable you to be present for your child in the way he needs you to be. It will also help you tune in to what he is communicating and what need he may be trying to fulfill through these distressing statements, and respond in the most sensitive way to help your child work through these difficult feelings and experiences—the ultimate goal.

Why Children Use Negative Self-Talk

The child is flooded with big, difficult emotions that get expressed in extreme statements. Four-year-old, Millie, blurts out, “You wish I was never born!” when her mom explains that she can’t read Millie a book right at that moment because she has to feed the baby. Her parents are pretty sure her proclamation is in response to her jealousy of her new brother and the attention he is getting. 

Gabe (5) pronounces, “I am so bad at this! I can’t do anything!” when he can’t get the basketball in the hoop after just one try. He doesn’t like to do anything he’s not perfect at. In this moment, he is overwhelmed with uncomfortable feelings and he globalizes that emotion. 

Marielle (7) says, in response to her dad asking about her day at school: “Nobody likes me. I have no friends.” It turns out that Marielle was not chosen that day to be a team captain in soccer. She is very sensitive and easily slighted. She often looks at the world from a black/white, all or nothing perspective. She can be having a great day; then one thing happens that feels bad and all is wrong with the world.

The child makes self-flagellating remarks to express anger. Nate (6) shouts statements like, “You hate me! You wish I lived on another planet,” when his moms set a limit he doesn’t like. They are totally perplexed because they feel like all they do is bend over backwards to make him happy. They are constantly telling him how much they love him. And, in fact, they feel guilty about how much more time they spend with him—meeting his demands for attention—than they do with his easygoing younger brother. They are angry that he would “manipulate” them in this way, “weaponizing” their love. 

The fact is that children don’t love limits and are often angry about them. They will employ any strategies that work to derail you from implementing them. If making worrisome statements leads to you caving on a limit or backing off of a demand your child doesn’t like, it is stored in his brain as a successful strategy. It is reinforced and relied on.

Stella (5) was mad at her parents for canceling a playdate because she refused to clean her room. She proceeded to tell them that she was going to open her window (on the second floor) and then sneak out the front door, so when they couldn’t find her, they would worry she had jumped out the window. Her parents were naturally alarmed by this seemingly demonic, premeditated plan to instill worry in them. But the fact that she told them about it made clear that this was her way of punishing them for depriving her of her play date.

The child has associated worrying her parents with getting a lot of attention. I have had several cases recently in which this dynamic is at play. These kids are struggling with difficult feelings and experiences. They aren’t being manipulative. They have learned that making worrisome, alarming statements will trigger a big reaction and garner a lot of attention from their parents if they say things like, “I wish I was dead” or “I am so stupid. I can’t get anything right.” So this becomes a way of connecting and feeling special in some way. 

How to Respond

You don’t have to know exactly what is going on in your child’s head to respond sensitively and helpfully. No matter the root cause, it’s important that your child is heard and her feelings are validated, not judged. Accepting her feelings and seeking to understand them increases the likelihood that you can uncover and address the underlying issue. Consider the following steps.

Avoid minimizing your child’s feelings. Because it is so uncomfortable and painful to think about your child having negative feelings about herself, the default for most parents is to talk or cheerlead their child out of these feelings: “What are you talking about, silly. You are the smartest guy I know.” “That’s not true, everybody likes you.” “That’s crazy! We adore you and love you being part of the family.” “Don’t say you wish you weren’t alive. That’s terrible. You don’t mean that.”

We fear that acknowledging these difficult feelings amplifies them. But ignoring or minimizing feelings doesn’t make them magically disappear. In fact, without a healthy opportunity for expression, feelings escalate. When children don't get validation for their feelings, they up the ante to be heard. Five-year-old Remi announces that she thinks her drawing is ugly. Her mom replies: "But I love your drawing, it's beautiful!" Remi's response: "You don't know anything about art. This is a terrible picture", and proceeds to rip it to shreds. 

The major mindshift to make is that feelings are not harmful to children. Our job is not to rid or protect our children from their difficult emotions (which is actually not possible), it is to help them understand and effectively cope with ALL of their feelings. 

When we avoid or minimize our children’s feelings, we interfere in this process. We send the message that we are uncomfortable with their difficult emotions and don't want to hear about them. This shuts down the process and makes it less likely children will share their feelings with us, depriving them of a chance to express and work them through. Most importantly, when you can sit with your child’s feelings, he will no longer see that he needs to alarm you to get attention and be heard. 

Speak to the underlying feelings you think your child is trying to express. When your child says something negative about his skills/performance: "You don’t like the way the letter you wrote looks. You have a different idea about how it should appear. It feels really uncomfortable and distressing to you when you can’t do something exactly the way you expect or want it to be. I understand.”

Often what parents find is that when they stop trying to minimize or talk their child out of their feelings, and accept and validate them, intead, the child signals that he has gotten his need met and moves on. He has been heard—that was what he needed. 

This is not to say that there is not more work to be done. The underlying issues that are identified--whether it is coping with jealousy toward a sibling, challenges with peers, or lack of confidence and self-esteem—still need to be addressed. (See additional resources at the end of the blog.) It just means that you can move beyond the alarming language and get to the heart of the issues. 

Help your child reflect on his feelings/experiences to gain new perspective. When you acknowledge and avoid judging or jumping in to talk your child out of his feelings, as in the examples below, he is much more likely to be open to hearing your ideas and perspective. 

“I am so glad you told me that you think we don’t want you in this family. I always want to know about and understand your feelings. And it gives me a chance to share how I really feel. I adore and love you deeply. I see that when I set a limit you don’t like, you may be angry with us. And that’s ok. I don’t expect you to like it when I say “no” to something you want. I love you AND need to set limits to be a good mom. That’s my job.”

“It’s really hard for you when you can’t do something perfectly right away. You put a lot of pressure on yourself and judge yourself harshly. Remember, I have been working on my handwriting for over 30 years. That’s 29 more years of practice than you have had since you just started to learn to write last year. I had to work really hard to get good at making letters. Learning anything new means making a lot of mistakes. It takes a lot of practice. And even then we still make mistakes!" 

“Sometimes feelings can be very painful. You want to make them go away, and that turns into a wish that you would go away. I understand. Sitting with difficult feelings is hard but I can help you do that. I am here for you.” 

Helping your child develop self-awareness—to gain insight into what makes him tick—is what makes it possible for him to ultimately rethink his perspective and self-assessment.

To learn more about ways to build your child’s tolerance for frustration and resilience, and to manage through challenging social situations, please see the resources on this page.

When to seek professional help
If your child persists in making statements about threatening to harm himself, take it seriously. Let him know that your most important job is to keep him safe, which means seeing a professional who helps children learn to cope with difficult feelings and experiences. You can call this hotline for immediate help if you can’t quickly connect with a local therapist: National Parent Helpline | 1.855.4A.PARENT (1-855-427-2736)

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Upcoming Parent Workshops

Bedtime Without Battles (Hosted by the Edlavich DC JCC Parenting Center)

Bedtime and sleep habits are among the most fraught and vexing challenges for parents of toddlers. This workshop will address how to develop good sleep habits from the start, how to problem-solve typical challenges that arise, and how to set limits with love in order to ensure everyone in the family gets a good night's sleep.

Date: March 23
Time: 8-9:30
Register: http://thejdc.convio.net/site/Calendar?id=160088&view=Detail

Transforming Toddlerhood Conference
I will be presenting at the amazing, FREE Conference with 25+ sessions featuring experts in toddler behavior, development, health and parenting. 

My session is on how to support children who are slow-to-warm-up. 

Join a worldwide community of parents at this FREE, VIRTUAL event, from March 30 - April 3. If you are ready to tame tantrums, end power struggles, stop yelling and create calm from within, take advantage of this annual free event and register today.

Date: March 30-April 3
To register: https://clairelerner--transformingtoddlerhood.thrivecart.com/ttc-deadline-2022/