What’s the best way to eat a Peep? Throw it in the trash.

As the spring holidays approach, the annual pro-Peep vs. anti-Peep debate is kicking into high gear. While I will never understand the appeal of chewing on a glob of tasteless glue covered in sand, I recognize that my opinion on the matter may differ from yours. Of course the great Peep debate is insignificant when compared to the multitude of other more serious disagreements and conflicts that have permeated our communities over the past two years. It does, however, provide us with an accessible entry point to discuss the ways in which we can disagree more meaningfully.

Stepping into the legal profession involves emotion and significant human contact. Through these two influences, we all experience some conflict. In an inherently adversarial profession, conflict that is both anticipated and unanticipated arises on a daily basis either with colleagues, bosses, subordinates, client, and opposing counsel. Constructively resolving these differences can make or break our ongoing working relationships and impact our success at work. Skills to manage conflict were typically not part of our law school training. Instead, we are taught how to engage in and “win” conflicts. When provided with opportunity to learn how to manage conflict more effectively, we tend to ignore them because we don’t have enough time or we dismiss the topics as being too touchy-feely. These skills are needed, but perhaps the core of conflict resolution is all about becoming more conscious or aware.

The definition of conscious is aware of and responding to one’s surroundings. In my experience, conflict is often caused by unconsciousness or being unaware of our and other’s reactions in difficult situations. Our brains default to a fear response system when we encounter a conflict situation – it’s the old flight, fight, freeze – our brains were not wired to reason things through when in feel we are in danger. Your fear response system can be triggered by a sense of physical or emotional danger.

Sometimes you will be aware of what that trigger is, but most of the time you will not. When you feel emotions in conflict, such as anxiety, fear, aggression, or anger, that is the first clue that you have been triggered. The problem is that as soon as we start to generate these feelings, our brain looks for a cause. You will unconsciously blame or attribute cause to the nearest likely object. Typically, that is another human being near to you. Again, because your fear response system is completely unconscious, you will begin reacting against this person without conscious thought by accusing, planning, running, avoiding, or engaging in some other unproductive conflict behavior.

When people are in conflict they are also often unaware or unconscious of other perspectives and other information relating to their situation. Because they are likely unaware of this, they make assumptions and evaluations that are based on incomplete information. To become more conscious, we need to expand the amount of information that we have to work with. Be able to look at the situation from all angles. As we do that, our consciousness expands and the ability to look at the dispute from a broader perspective occurs. Thus, moving from conflict to resolution is a process of expansion of consciousness.

How does somebody become conscious or more aware? Questions make up the majority of the process to aid in shifting perspective and are often applied to specific conflict situations.  Here are some samples based on work done by Cinnie Noble.  You can use this method yourself, but beware that the success of the outcome will depend on your honesty when answering.

• What triggers you?  What sets you off in conflict situations?
• What values are being affected when you are triggered?
• What’s important to you – what are your beliefs, values, needs, etc.?
• In what way was this belief, value, need have been undermined?
• What is the impact on you when your buttons are pushed this way?
• What is your motive/intent in the situation?
• What may be the other person’s motive/intent in the situation?
• How did you interpret the words that were said?
• How else could they have been interpreted?
• How would you have preferred to react?
• What were the consequences to you because of this dispute?
• How are the consequences of the situation affecting you now?
• What were the consequences for the other person?
• What don’t you know about the other persons situation that may help you better understand where they are coming from?

1. Monitor airtime to ensure that everyone at the table has the opportunity to speak and to be heard.
2. Listen to understand rather than listening to respond. Take your litigator hat off and listen to understand the other person’s perspective.
3. Recognize power imbalances and how those imbalances can impact whether people feel safe to speak, whether people feel heard, and how those imbalances may be affecting the consciousness of those individuals in the conflict.
4. Interrupt interruptions to minimize power imbalances and to monitor airtime.
5. Give lead time to allow those who process internally or more slowly to articulate their perspectives accurately.
6. Affirm the perspectives of everyone around the table to promote awareness of differing points of view.

Conflict is a natural part of life and of our profession. While it cannot be avoided, we can learn to disagree more consciously with one another. The ways in which we engage in conflict are deeply rooted, learned over the years through our personal lived experiences. As a result, there is no “right” way to disagree. However, we can disagree in a way that spurs empathy, compassion, and ultimately resolution. This spring, enjoy your holiday candy while you seek to better understand the ways in which you personally respond to conflict and consider the ways in which you can respond to conflict more consciously…and don't forget to throw those Peeps right in the trash!