Truly a Mess

Howdy, hi, hello. Welcome to Engine Failure, a Formula 1 culture newsletter that dives into what the fuck is really going on in F1. It’s written by me, Lily Herman.

Besties and frenemies, I have a question: HOW DOES ONE EVEN BEGIN TO TALK ABOUT THIS WEEKEND???

Before we dive into all of that, a little good news for all of you (and more agita for me): A bonus issue of Engine Failure is coming this week! There was already too much to talk about before the drivers even hit the track for FP1, and we’ve got even more to explore now. Keep your eyes on those inboxes tomorrow. I will take thank yous in the form of Edible Arrangements.


So…Geopolitics

For those who didn’t know, Yemen’s Houthi rebels attacked an oil depot near the Saudi Arabian circuit during one of Friday’s free practice sessions, creating a massive, smoke-filled blaze nearby as drivers continued their work around the track.

In terms of the explosion’s effects on F1, the fallout was immediate: Many drivers were rocked and sat in a meeting with team bosses and motorsports leadership for over four hours to voice their understandable concerns for their safety. (Red Bull’s first-place WOAT Helmut Marko also took that time to be racist and xenophobic, because of course he did.) But in the end, the folks with the deepest pockets won out, and the race program continued with very little commentary on the backdrop for the weekend. Formula 1 released a characteristically vague statement alluding to being “given full and detailed assurances that the event is secure.” The org also said that all stakeholders would “maintain a clear and open dialogue throughout the event and for the future,” whatever the fuck that means. The Grand Prix Drivers’ Association (essentially the drivers’ union but with questionable amounts of power) later released a similarly hazy statement that they felt safe to continue with the GP after talking to the Powers That Be.

I’m not nearly educated enough to thoughtfully and insightfully tell you about this larger conflict at hand, but here are resources to get started. What I will say is that this entire ordeal only further underscores accusations that the FIA and F1 are putting money-making above all else — driver, team, and personnel safety; massive geopolitical upheaval; human rights abuses; and more. Just look at how much $$$ is up for grabs around this single circuit alone: F1 has a 10-year deal to host a race in Saudi Arabia to the reported tune of $900 million. Meanwhile, the Saudi state-owned oil company Aramco is a Formula 1 global partner for the next decade for a hefty sum of $450 million. It’s obvious what the sport’s leaders are prioritizing.

This ongoing juxtaposition where F1 doesn’t want to mix politics and sports (a futile exercise, in my opinion) and yet tries to gain social capital from initiatives like We Race As One has never been more apparent. I don’t really think that’s a particularly controversial or interesting take, just an obvious one.

Housekeeping Time

Next on our agenda, a bit of housekeeping. This week, someone sent me a tip about spotting a driver in Dubai and said I should consider becoming the F1 Deuxmoi. First of all, thank you to that person (you didn’t leave an email!) for a compliment that shall live in my heart for decades to come. The only thing better would’ve been if you called me the F1 Lady Whistledown. (Also, if someone wants to find me a Bridgerton boi — but like, the book version of a Bridgerton boi — that’d be great.)

That said, I do not want to become the F1 Deuxmoi for logistical, financial, and legal reasons, starting with the fact that I do not have F1 driver money if one of them sues me. (Case in point, Max Verstappen’s team is known among indie F1 merch creators for being especially…litigious.) Plus, I believe drivers deserve privacy in regards to their day-to-day comings and goings, hence why this newsletter focuses on content that’s publicly available. However, this week’s tip is far from the first time someone’s communicated something interesting to me anonymously through Conspiracy Corner, and given that I’ve gotten some good, helpful, and insightful fodder from there that has appeared in previous newsletters, I’ve decided to test something out for the next eight weeks.

Engine Failure will feature an anonymous tip box now through mid-May. If it yields anything fascinating or important and doesn’t descend into a destructive sinkhole of troll people, I’ll keep it for a more extended experimental period of time and put something more official and secure in place. And if people abuse it, I’ll cut its existence short. So, let’s see how this goes. Let’s Whistledown this bitch.

Like what you see? Check out other recent Engine Failure issues and then forward this newsletter to a friend because you're a nice person who wants to see me ~succeed~:

• Why didn't F1 give Kevin Magnussen the beauty filter like everybody else?

• Could Lewis Hamilton wear a crop top this season?

• Was life better for us when Carlos Sainz was wearing shorts instead of denim pants?

This weekend had two important observances for me: A Formula 1 race and the season two premiere of Bridgerton. For those who are new to EF, I tolerate zero romance genre slander in this space, especially during the season all about Anthony and Kate. (While we’re here, Bridgerton fans, here’s one of my many hot takes having read all eight novels: Hyacinth got the book, storyline, and romantic arc that Eloise deserved. I love Hyacinth and that book for her, but I said what I said!!!!! Phillip Crane, no thank you!!!!)

Anyway, onto today’s rankings, which are more of a list: We’re talking about which historical romance archetypes certain drivers would fulfill on the grid.

Sebastian Vettel: He's 100% Lady Danbury. This bitch is meddling in EVERYBODY’S business by making cheeky comments in the process. Everyone will feel awkward in the short term, but Seb would definitely be responsible for folks finding true love.

Esteban Ocon, Mick Schumacher, and Lance Stroll: As a known crew, they’re really giving me Lisa Kleypas Wallflowers series vibes. (If they really needed a fourth Wallflower to stick to canon, I’d give that slot to Lando Norris, even if he’s not in this immediate group and he'd be very giggly.)

Lewis Hamilton: He'd be the aloof and damaged duke with a heart of gold rarely seen by the ton who ends up in a bizarre marriage of convenience for some ridiculous reason and falls in love. Think Tessa Dare’s Girl Meets Duke series. It should also be noted that our guy Lew is a literal knight.

Daniel Ricciardo: Has there ever been a man trying harder to claim Big Reformed Rake Energy? (For the record, I think Kevin Magnussen could also pull this one off in another life.)

Max Verstappen: As I’ve already established, a fictional version of Max is incapable of any romance genre arc that isn’t enemies-to-lovers. The sitch is giving me a hardcore Anthony Bridgerton aesthetic. I can absolutely see a make-believe Max in a different universe delivering the line, “You are the bane of my existence and the object of all my desires.” RIGHT???

Pierre Gasly: Our stylish man could easily pull off a West Ravenel arc. Y’all are welcome.

As for a few other interesting driver-related fashion moments, George Russell showed up in a pairing from his new sponsor PUMA that was...not the best. I get that he was probably coming off of a plane, but in contrast, to the right of him is our F1 commentating hero Naomi Schiff wearing a PUMA outfit this week too. See the difference?

And elsewhere, Charles Leclerc wore a T-shirt and sweatpants from Nahmias (he's personal friends with its founder Doni Nahmias), and Yuki Tsunoda continued to try and find a happy medium with the AlphaTauri gods by wearing a pair of Versace Chain Reaction Heritage Baroque-Print sneakers that cost over $1,000. Casual!

Thank you to everyone who wrote into last issue’s Conspiracy Corner question: You suddenly have the ability to snap your fingers and make your single-most asinine prediction for the 2022 F1 season come true in real life. What’s the prediction, and how does it unfold?

Let’s discuss:

• Julio: Danny Ric improves, finishing [in the] top seven drivers. “That’s as a great Formula 1 run, I did everything I could and have enjoyed my time here. I’m off to NASCAR.” McLaren signs on Pato O’Ward, who just won IndyCar. Checo renewed for one more year, mentors Pato. Tequila for everyone.

• Andie: The Red Bull car is so unreliable that Max Verstappen doesn't even finish a single race.

• Zach: Alex Albon gets P1 through the sheer power of his golden heart. That, or we hire Lakitu from Mario Kart to pick up crashed cars. Either one of those works for me.

• Madeline: Max just keeps DNFing in increasingly unlikely ways. It starts with power unit failures and tire punctures but escalates to his (empty) car getting hit by a meteorite and a race where he somehow gets lost on the formation lap. Christian Horner goes full tin-hat conspiracy theorist about how this is all Mercedes' fault.

• Robert: Kevin Magnussen winning a race. I don't care when it happens or at what track it happens, I just want it to happen. Come on, you know we'd all love to see that!

• Preece: Pierre Gasly is sitting at home reading through his diary. He remembers that one moment at Esté house where his mother refused to make Pierre a tiramisu (after being promised it by Esté). This made the relationship sour and led to them to this day having a very muted relationship. This year Pierre is going to win his second race and it’ll be French GP. In the crowd, Esté's mum will appear and she will give Pierre the tiramisu, which he has been craving for 15 years. Peace will be restored.

Today’s question: Which unlikely driver on the grid do you think has untapped potential to become a paddock fashion icon? What would his aesthetic be?