March 2022

As someone who came to sex work from a place of privilege, as far as my family and loved one supporting me no matter what I do, I acknowledge my privilege. I feel incredible kinship and community with all sex workers across the globe who are forced into sex work because it is the best choice financially and with the lifestyle which may mean they are disabled or single mums or Trans people who are pushed out of society. The criminalisation and fake moral superiority endangers sex workers, people speak over us, infantilise and patronise us and make decisions which leads to violence at our expense. Global institutions of state powers should have no place in consenting adults selling services, when you bring up trafficking in these conversations it does no good for anyone, not victims of illegal trafficking, nor consensual service providers who should have autonomy and agency over their body and choices. In Capitalism all aspects of labour are exploitative whether you work in front of house or in factories, in retail, hospitality no matter the industry workers are exploited by low pay and long hours. Sex workers want to be a part of the labour rights movement which is why the term “sex work is work” is so often used. I have included screenshots of the exhibition guide which explains better than I could the ways in which Exhibition looks at sex work through the lens of the tenderness mental health gender racial justice pain joy disability and desire in a global struggle for social justice. 

On a more personal level there was one point where I was sitting and listening to one of the video works and in that moment I truly felt like an artist again. There was a moment where I felt fulfilment and confidence in myself, which is something that has been lacking so much over the years when I’ve not been fully able to express myself because of my pain. I’ve had to adapt my expectations to the reality of my day-to-day life which is filled with pain and fatigue, no pleasure or textiles. I felt like I belonged, I felt solidarity and community, not just because my friends were by my side but because I was part of this show with fellow sex-workers and that is a kind of solidarity that non sex-workers just wouldnt understand. I felt seen, I felt heard. I havent had sex in over three years because of pain, sex/sexuality used to be such a big part of my life which I have just ignored and pretended completely that it doesnt exist because its too painful to face how much I have changed in that aspect. I felt like myself again for a moment, I am a sex worker, I am an artist.

This embroidery is something I’m so proud of, it is a still life of sex workers to honour the community and tenderness which only we feel/know. Part of the brief for this project was responding to resources from a previous festival by SWARM of discussions and panel talks on subjects relating to surveillance, colonialism, disability, capitalism, racism, legislation and resources. When designing this piece I struggled to know how to represent something that was so important to me, because the reality is quite negative as far as the reasons why people are forced into sex work e.g. poverty and topics listed above. My art style is bold, colourful, and seemingly positive upon first look, with layers of meaning becoming clear the longer you look and dissect the individual motifs as well as their relation to one another. The still life features many references to history, an ancient Greek vase with gay lovers on it, a mother and child portrait representing the sexist notion that if you dont fit into the mother or the virgin stereotypes of women you are a whore, as well as books, paperwork scrolls, a globe, a stone statue with breasts and penis and a mask. Scroll candle represent a memorial for all sex workers who have been killed I have never been brought to justice come out good luck written in lipstick on the mirror and and I love you text or a small tender moment to show this sex worker is cared for and part of a community. I have a walking stick balanced on the edge of the table because many disabled people choose to work in the sex industry because it fits best around the pain or ailments and they can earn more money for a short amount of time giving me more freedom.

After micro-dosing Psilocybin during October, November and December I wanted to see what the lasting effects would have on my mental wellbeing. Well I coasted through February and then this month I felt emotions bubbling under the surface which I was trying to keep at bay. Some of my triggers are the ongoing pandemic and how the british government has completely given up with any protections leaving disabled people to suffer at home with no support or freedom. As well as my usual pain, which has compounded with fatigue that leaves me feeling like a sloth, unable to move or do much of anything. This month I pushed through because of the kickstarter responsibilities, family visiting and the two exhibitions my soul needed, but it probably meant that my mental stability was as fragile as ever. I got triggered by being asked if my cousin could stay at ours straight from the airport which made me feel endangered and unsafe, spiralling me into suicidal thoughts about how everyone would be better off without me being such a bother. My paranoia is not unjustified, as two people in my household got covid which made me feel so unsafe and scared, I really dont want to get it and become more disabled and pain riddled than I am already. Thankfully their symptoms were minimal and they were able to isolate. Mum does everything in her power to make sure I dont have a mental breakdown with my physical and mental pain, but having my boundaries overstepped and not respected blew all her effort out of the water and I was uncontrollably sobbing for days. My breakdown made total sense to me though because I am in so much pain I dont see the point in living like this, but most days smoking weed and being cozy numbs that but on top of the covid scares it was all too much. I needed respite and so I decided to micro-dose again, this time 4 days on, 3 days off. Im definitely coping better and have caught my breath again when it felt like I was drowning but Im not sure how efficient this is for the long term without therapy (physical and mental). For the time being I am grateful for plant medicine for supporting me.

As soon as I saw there was going to be an exhibition at Tate Britain showcasing Caribbean-British art I knew me and my cousin Gina had to go together. The title of the show is Life Between Islands and is on display until April 3rd at Tate britain. The one petty thing I will say, is that there were so many Guyanese artists in the show, and Guyana is not an island it is on mainland South America but is culturally and historically Caribbean. A small curatorial critique of the title didnt take away from the impact of the actual exhibition. Our Caribbean heritage is something that means a lot to me and Gina, and to share the emotions of seeing a show about the legacies of empire, migration, racism, colonial past and present with her was soul touching. The way Caribbean people across nations have been stereotyped and categorised, there is so much joy, life, music, philosophy, poetry, imagination, creation and power that a colonisers mind cannot even fathom. My ancestors were not Enslaved African people, they were Indentured Indian labourers who worked on the same sugar plantations and that is not something I take lightly. There were some works which really stood out to me which I will share below, as well as scans of the exhibition guide to further explain the curation and themes behind the exhibition. 

1. Paul Dash - Talking Music, 1963-66

‘Dash was one of the youngest members of the Caribbean Arts Movement. Born in Barbados he moved to Oxford with his family at the age of 11 before studying at London’s Chelsea College of Art in the 1960s. He settled in London and has spent decades making and teaching art and education here. In Talking Music, Dash paints himself and his siblings watching a lively debate between their brother father and his friend. Together they formed the Caribbean six a family band that all the UK in which the artist (far left) play the piano.’ 

What struck me about his painting was the colour palette, and the warmth radiating from the electric fire on one side contrsted to the bitter cold grey snow outside the front windows in the background.

2. Frank Bowling - Who’s Afraid of Barney Newman, 1968

Shortly after moving to New York in 1966, Bowling created a series of paintings consisting of flat areas of saturated colour. The works are reminiscent of other American colour field painting of that time. Here Bowling explicitly references one such painter, Barnett Newman and his work Who’s Afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue II (1967). However unlike other colour field artists many of Bowling’s works include stencilled outlines of continents – here South America with Guyana enlarged and hovering over it. The series became known as Bowling’s ‘map paintings’.

3. Donald Locke - Trophies of Empire, 1972-74

‘Trophies of Empire consists of an open wooden cabinet filled with ceramic cylindrical forms mounted on a range of holders. The title is a reflection of the impact of colonialism and slavery, asking at what cost potential trophies are gained. Locke describes the cylinders as bullets yet embraced the ambiguity. They might depict victims of violence, isolated figures stripped of identity of phallic forms displayed in a celebratory display of force.’

4. Tam Joseph Spirit of the Carnival, 1982 

‘Tam Joseph, born in Dominica in 1947 moved to the UK when he was 8 years old. Spirit of carnival the pics of masquerader surrounded by police on this morning dog. It was inspired by a scene witnessed at London’s Notting Hill carnival (the Northern hemispheres biggest carnival celebrating Caribbean culture and history). The work references the increasingly heavy-handed police presence at Notting Hill carnival. Joseph has said “I wanted to show this figure in Yoruba (West African ethnic group) it’s known as Egungun… He is a fun figure. He’s not menacing. But he has been contained by the police and he’s looking out for a way out“. Produced during a period of uprisings across the UK Joseph’s costume to figure in body is the resilience and spirit of black communities.’

The emotions me and Gina had looking at this, with the sense of danger and confinement surrounding an innocent figure enjoying their cultural practices was intense. The person is in danger and a seemingly never ending supply of police officers cornering and targeting this sacred figure while an aggressive dog jumps forwards intimidating and attacking. 

5. Sonia Boyce - She Aint Holding Them Up, She’s Holding On (Some English Rose), 1986

‘Sonia Boyce’s decorative pastel drawing recalls the complex generational and gender dynamics of the Caribbean home in 1960s and 1970s Britain. Here Boyce portrays herself as a strong Black woman supporting her family balanced in her hands. The work challenges the perception of strength often expected of Black women and suggests the precariousness of ‘holding on’ to parts of your heritage whilst forging your own identity. The introduction of the black rose as a decorative motif on the main figures dress throws into question ideas about the English Rose as a metaphor for white femininity.’

Doom from the Womb, 2018 made for Able Zine.

Its Endometriosis Awareness Month. Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to inside the womb is shed outside of where its supposed to like on the ovaries or fallopian tubes (but can also appear elsewhere). This is what can cause serious pain and heavy bleeding (not normal for menstruation) and other issues like fatigue and infertility. This is the first and only embroidery I have made about periods as for some reason I never connected the dots of Endo being a disability until other chronic pain took over the rest of my body.  I think a mixture of shame surrounding periods and internalised ableism which despite suffering for 3/4 weeks in a month I didnt consider myself to be Disabled. 

I cope with Endo by being on contraception every single day, if I could get rid of my womb I would but we are not often trusted by medical professionals with knowing what we want to do with our bodies pertaining to wombs and their baby making potential. 

I dont know all the ways that hormonal contraception is fucking up my body but it is the only treatment available to me as someone who was in a cycle of pain and suicidal lows when it comes to Endo and PMDD. PMDD is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, which made me suicidal because of the change in hormones and dread waiting for the Endo pain to come around. 

We suffer for years trying to get a diagnosis and when we do treatment is abysmally limited. Love to my babes with fucked up insides.

Upon realising that Im ADHD I have learnt some very interesting and frustrating things for example people who menstruate that also have ADHD are at least 8 times more likely to suffer with PMDD based on early studies. Also our ADHD is already impacted by the cycle of menstruation. Oestrogen produced in the first two weeks of a cycle is a dopamine booster, whereas Progesterone which is produced in the third and fourth weeks suppress Oestrogen and thus dopamine. When I read that and realised I was on a Progestogen-only pill to treat my Endo/PMDD I felt completely screwed. There is so much research lacking because ADHD, Autism and other Neurodivergence’s have been gendered and only studied in cis men/boys. I cannot emotionally or physically cope with having periods, especially now that Im already in pain 24/7. Back when I was menstruating regularly, I thought my periods would be the cause of my death because of the suicidal thoughts and high levels of pain. This illustration sums up some of my experiences and symptoms relating to menstruation.

Coming from a country in the Caribbean which was grown as a plantation society as many of them were by european colonisers, off the backs of enslaved African labour I understand the ways in which our countries have been left to suffer in poverty and corruption. Guyana became independent of the british empire in 1966 and in 1970 it became a republic, while it remains part of the “commonwealth”. 

Many british people love to say sanctimoniously that britain ended the slave trade and thus are morally superior to other colonisers, despite the fact that they didnt abolish The Slave Trade out of the goodness of their hearts. They abolished The Slave Trade because enslaved people were continuously fighting for their freedom by organising and rebelling against slave masters. They also ended up transporting millions of Indian indentured labourers to work on the plantations afterwards as they didnt want to suddenly start paying Black people for work they had been forced to do for free. European colonisers have no morals or soul. The british government paid reparations to slave owners for THEIR LOSS OF PROPERTY and this compensation debt was being paid back until as recently as 2015. That means descendants of Enslaved African people living in britain helped pay off the debt that paid the people who owned their ancestors. Its sick and twisted. Ex-colonies are still to this day dealing with the consequences of violent colonialism. For that reason my soul has been enriched witnessing the reception to prince William and Kate visiting Jamaica, the Bahamas and Belize this month where they were met with protests. Belize and Jamaica have started the paperwork to becoming a Republic and removing the queen as their head of state just like Barbados have already done last year. 

Many Caribbean countries still have the queen as their head of state and are economically tied to britain in many ways to this day. Kate and William doing a tour to celebrate queen Elizabeth’s platinum jubilee during a global pandemic is ridiculous, out of touch and downright insulting. Why should the ancestors of enslaved African people, who were traded under the name of the royal African company bend over backwards to welcome and celebrate the very descendants of that violence? Despite being part of the Commonwealth Jamaicans still require a Visa to visit the UK, on what planet does that make sense? Well on the same planet where the Windrush generation were deported Back to Jamaica after contributing to this nation for decades.

I have shared some of my recent illustrations relating to the legacies of the british empire as well as a letter which was written by The Bahamas National Reparations Committee to the royals. It made me deeply emotional as I have never seen this sort of statement against the british royals, demanding accountability, apology and financial reparations for the violence inflicted on our Caribbean nations and beyond.

The book that I featured in my newsletter last month Women’s Work, features Faith Ringgold who I wrote my dissertation about as well as Louise Bourgeois and Judy Chicago who I learnt about at Art School when discovering feminist artists using textiles to make subversive statements. Well, when Elif messaged me that Louise Bourgeois was being exhibited with a focus solely on her textiles work, I knew I would regret it if I didnt see it in person. I double masked as i did the previous weekend when getting on the tube to Tate Britain to see Life Between Islands. Ive never been to The Hayward Gallery before, its right opposite the Southbank Centre, across Waterloo Bridge and is a Brutalist grey concrete building which looked stunning against the blue sky. I met my girls there and was excited because I hadnt seen them since December when I had my christmas dinner party!

I recently saw a quote from Louise Bourgeois which said “Art is a guarantee of sanity” and it hit me right in the heart. The reasons for my mental breakdowns and identity crisis since chronic pain has taken over my life and prevented me from making art made total absolute sense to me. It doesnt mean that artists dont suffer from mental health issues or the struggles life throws at people, it just means (at least to me) that to be an artist is to express and process your emotions or the world around you in a way that can maintain a calmer mind. 

In the last two decades of her life she focused on making a series of works out of domestic textiles which included clothing, linens, Terry cloth towels and tapestry fragments. I love the sculptural artworks where she has created small rooms or display cases, sometimes out of recycled wooden material like old window frames and doors, some were made of thick metal chicken wire, other times they were more clinical, sterile cases made from metal and glass. Encased in these displays is usually a human figure sometimes just the head or a torso and sometimes a full body, in various positions sometimes amputees and other times pregnant figures. In other works, a selection of pieces are displayed together in these cases, for example a mobile like structure made out of multiple spools of thread, next to a torso made from a selection of Bourgeois berets. She crated free standing mobiles which had a core metal structure which was thin, with rods sticking out in different directions and heights, some with more spools of thread, or a nondescript fleshy sack made from textiles, or lingerie/clothing garments hanging from bones.   

Sometimes mattresses and sofa cushions were used to create these figures, a direct way of relating everyday objects to human emotions and experiences. She said “My subject is the rawness of the emotions, the devastating effect of the emotions you go through.”

I am drawn to the use of tapestry material as a way of sculpting, which references her childhood growing up around her parents who were tapestry restorers. She saw sewing as repair, mending the old and giving things a second chance at life. During this period Louise Bourgeois used to tapestry materials in a variety of ways including sculpting heads, she made a tower out of cubes of tapestry, she lined some of her cage artworks with fragments of tapestry. 

Louise Bourgeois found comfort in the process of repetition and geometry, which can be seen in her drawings, and tower sculptures as well as textile experimentations. She made books out of fabric which showcased a variety of textiles techniques including applique, dying, patchwork and embellishment. I was particularly drawn towards her patchworks which look like spiderwebs in the way that she assembled the sections together. The spider is a common theme throughout her lifes work, representing her mother, the repairer, just like a spider creating and recreating its web. They are simple in their execution but extremely satisfying to me, especially having started my own patchwork journey this year. 

I am in awe of Louise Bourgeois creating art until months before her death in 2010, I can only dream of having a career which spans so long and across different disciplines. The majority of these works were created in the last twenty years of her life, passing away at age 99. I hope my body can heal, can repair so that I have the opportunity to make art until I die, because ti me a life without art is not worth living.

Im so lucky that my family not only support me emotionally, but get hands on and help make sure everything with the kickstarter gets done! Its been a long year of my supporters waiting patiently, and finally the rewards which include the Embroidery Colouring Books are being sent out into the world. Despite my body pain, I found it extremely satisfying to have all the different components laid out in sections ready to be put together. Something about the repetitive nature of putting together 100ish packages for the different Tiers, making sure each of them was perfect and imagining the smiles on peoples faces as they open them made all the stress worth it. To have strangers and supporters invest in me and my dream of creating a way of sharing my designs and teaching people to embroider means more than words could explain. We all worked to our strengths, adapting to each individual Tier, gathering the sewing kits, folding the Hanecdote tissue paper around the Books carefully, including Thank You postcards, packing them up tight in cardboard and finally making sure addresses and postage is correct. Thank you to my family, I owe everything to them.