Good News for Newlyweds
March 2022
Diocese of Scranton
Office for Parish Life
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It's not just about the laundry
Written by Erin & Todd Stevens
Our recent survey on the primary sources of marital conflict confirmed what multiple studies have found: couples argue about the division of household chores almost as much as finances. According to a recent Yelp survey of 2,000 American adults, 80 percent of people living with a partner have disagreements about housework. The most common disagreements centered on when to do it (53 percent), how to do it (50 percent), and who should do it (48 percent). These issues can be resolved, though, if you’re willing to give them the right attention.
Create a "same team" mentality - Endless disagreements about household responsibilities will start to cause your relationship to feel adversarial. Counter that by making a habit of reminding each other that you’re on the same team. Something as simple as using “same team” as a code word can be a powerful tool to keep your focus in the right place. “My husband and I were essentially two sides fighting against the middle, always tired and always stressed, yet the fighting over who was going to put that load of clean towels away actually caused more stress to both of us in the long run,” says Meaghan Dawson, a full-time mother and blogger. “The single biggest factor that changed this for us was one short phrase: ‘same team.’ If it is invoked in the middle of a housework argument it is meant to stop us in our heated tracks and force us to remember that we're on the same team.”
Don't think it's silly - On the surface, fights over chores can seem insignificant and superficial. When we consider the emotions underlying the disagreements, though, we realize how consequential these squabbles actually are. Feelings of being unappreciated or inferior or misunderstood or disrespected are a big deal. If not dealt with in a healthy way, they can lead to resentment and become relationship-killers. So recognize the serious issues underneath what may seem like a trivial dispute.
Schedule a weekly planning time - Agree on a time to review the week ahead and decide who is going to do what over the next week. Reaching consensus and sharing responsibility goes a long way toward satisfying both partners. A UCLA Sloan Center study found that clarifying the whats, whens, and hows of household tasks reduced conflict, since couples were no longer spending time debating duties. On the other hand, when couples didn’t have clearly defined assignments, they argued more since they had to "renegotiate responsibilities from one day to the next."
Evaluate and adjust - Meet at the scheduled time each week to follow up and re-evaluate how things are going. If you see tasks going undone during the week, don’t nag. Wait until the prearranged time to bring it up. Then if someone isn’t accomplishing the tasks they agreed to do, remember that blame isn’t effective. Instead, work together to discover the underlying reason. Are they overcommitted or underestimating how long certain chores take? Was there a misunderstanding about what the task involved or the quality expected? Modify the plan as necessary for the next week.
Share the unpleasant stuff - Hardly anybody gets excited about cleaning the toilet, so consider taking turns on jobs that neither partner enjoys. If there is a task nobody wants to do, perhaps you can afford to outsource it by hiring someone. Don’t forget to thank your spouse for doing that undesirable task, even if they didn’t do it perfectly and only did it because was an assigned chore. If you want to communicate some serious love, do it for them sometime when it isn't even your assignment
Erin is the Executive Director of National Marriage Week USA, and Todd is a speaker and author.
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New from the Life-Giving Wounds blog:
"5 Invisible Wounds an Adult Child of Divorce May Experience" by Bethany Meola
If your parents are divorced or have split up, you’re not alone. While family breakdown can impact a child’s life in several noticeable ways - such as being more likely to grow up in poverty, more likely to drop out of school, and more likely to experience emotional or behavioral problems - it’s harder to see the invisible wounds that can last into adulthood. But these wounds are no less real, and deserve attention in order to heal. Here are five invisible wounds that adult children of divorce may experience
1. The wound of silence
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An easy way to access relationship-related faith formation can be found at https://madeforlove.podbean.com/. The "Made for Love" podcasts cover topics such as Friendship, Adult Children of Divorce, the Love Languages, and even the Joy of Pets! Podcasts are easy to listen to on any device with a speaker and a connection to the internet, and can be a creative (and informative) way to liven up mundane tasks such as doing the laundry or driving to the grocery store.
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For additional information from the Diocese of Scranton please visit https://www.dioceseofscranton.org/.
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