If you were driving on Highway 36 between Boulder and Lyons, Colorado last Saturday, you might have seen me riding my bike — that is if you weren’t keeping your eyes directly on the road in front of you, which I hope you were, considering the clouds couldn’t decide whether to drizzle or pour. If you saw me you might have thought I was a) crazy b) desperate for a ride and/or c) totally miserable because who rides their bike in weather like that!?
Actually, d) I’d signed up for the Harvest Moon Aquabike, a 1.2-mile open water swim followed by a 56-mile road bike forever ago, I’d trained all summer, and I was doing my best to enjoy myself despite the November-like conditions.
In the water, the visibility was so poor I could barely see the buoys, even when they were practically on top of me. But I chose not to panic.
When I got to the transition area I took my time drying off as best I could and putting on layers. I could have freaked out about how many precious minutes I was wasting with the arm warmers, the legwarmers, the gloves, all of it, but instead, I decided this is going to take as long as it takes. I’m not going to stress about it.
About 45 minutes into the bike leg, my hands and feet started to grow numb. But I’d been cold before. I reminded myself that could handle this. I didn’t drag my family out here in the rain in the pre-dawn darkness just to watch me quit because of some dexterity problems.
When I realized I was nowhere near the pace I needed to make my goal time, I decided this race wasn’t going to be about testing my fitness. I was already cold and wet. Why throw a fitness failure on top of that?
The first time I ever ran a mile, I wanted to die. The run was part of a state-mandated fitness test and I was not prepared for it. My goal was simply to finish, lest I completely embarrass myself and fail sixth-grade gym in the process. There was no joy, only relief in completing my fourth interminable lap around the track. If you asked 11-year-old me what that experience meant to me I’d tell you it confirmed my belief that I was not, nor would I ever be athletic.
That one-mile run could have meant a million things — I just couldn't see it at the time with my limited life experience and my Sally Jessie Raphael glasses. I didn’t know I could have made it mean I was stronger than I’d thought, that I had some work to do if I wanted to run faster next year, or that I would maybe even need to start faking a chronic condition right now if I wanted to get out of the run next year.
I didn’t realize I had the power to take a thing — anything— and make it mean whatever I wanted. Over the years, endurance sports have meant so many things to me — including friends, community, justification for food, weight loss, freedom, travel, fresh air, stress management, competition, comparison, performance goals, and validation. I’ve hung onto some of those but I’ve ditched the ones that don’t serve me (and I'm pretty sure you can guess which ones those are.)
During the aquabike, somewhere around the moment I started daydreaming about a hot bath, it occurred to me that if I wanted to make this race mean I was a slow, middle-aged pile of garbage, I could certainly do that — but I didn’t have to.
Instead, I decided to make it mean I was lucky for the chance to do it at all. I thought of all the times I got out on my bike or got into the pool to prepare for this race and decided to make it mean I was grateful for this goal that had motivated me to do the things I love to do but may not have prioritized had I not had a race on the calendar.
I decided to make it mean that I could enjoy challenging my body even if it wasn’t responding exactly how I wanted it to.
I decided to make it mean, “Here is the sign you were looking for that your 43-year-old body really needs regular strength training to keep doing these kinds of things without getting hurt.”
And even though I could tell my kids a thousand times that they always have a choice in how they respond to the circumstances, that they're stronger than they think they are, I decided this was my chance to show them what that looks like.
Was it my best, fastest, or most fun race? No, no, and no. But I’m pretty sure it will end up being one of the most memorable.
xo,
P.S. If you're ready to flip the script on what food, movement, and your body's shape and size mean to you, I can help. Click here to find out how.
5 Things Worth Checking Out
If you have a minute: One thing to remember when (not if) you hit some bumps in the road on your journey to becoming an intuitive eater.
If you have five minutes: My friend and fellow freelance writer Amanda Loudin published this delightful Washington Post article for anyone who is open water swimming curious. (As she wrote, it really is "magical.")
If you have 6 minutes: A deeper dive into body neutrality (what it is, who it's for, why it can be good for you, and a little bit about what those who aren't into it are saying) by Charlotte Cowles for the New York Times.
The Real Fit podcast features real conversations with women athletes on topics like body image and confidence, my goal is to share stories that will let you know you're not alone and that you're already enough.
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