The Destructive Power of Defensiveness

One of my favorite statements of defensiveness is an oldie but a goodie: “The dog ate my homework.”

This phrase is the poster child for defensiveness.  It CAN’T be my fault because someone, some thing, or you have created a barrier to my ability to complete or perform a task.  We find defensiveness in many ways in the workplace…  Not getting to work on time is the fault of your children for being late getting out the door, in the car, to school on time.  The report is late because the data center didn’t get the numbers crunched and to you for analysis.  You missed the meeting because your assistant “forgot” to send you a reminder.  I could go on and on.

One of the most common places where defensiveness breaks down relationship is delivered in email within the workplace.  A long-scheduled meeting is cancelled close to the date with a statement that describes that another meeting has come up with this person’s team.  The writer justifies changing the meeting day because “it is hard to get the team together.”  That is the reason.  What the reader’s emotional response? “I guess this person’s accommodation to the team is more important that my time.” 

The most important thing to remember is that sometimes meetings do need to get changed around.  A person needing to change a meeting can do that without breaking down relationship.  Based on the example, consider this message instead.  “I am so sorry to disrupt your schedule with a last minute meeting change request.  Please accept my apology as I ask that we reschedule to next week.”  The receiver doesn’t need to know WHY you have had to cancel.  What they need to know is that you recognize that you have disrupted their schedule and you seek their understanding.

Defensiveness is NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for your behavior.  Simply stop, consider that you are responsible for the action, and seek understanding and consideration.
By the way, people don’t really care WHY you didn’t follow through. They need to know that you acknowledge the challenges it makes for them and express your interest in maintaining your relationship.

Next week, we will wrangle with the next two horsemen: stonewalling and criticism.

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