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Contents
1. Introduction. Wherein I welcome you to the newsletter.
2. Latest News. Wherein I encourage you to purchase my latest projects in a non-pushy manner.
3. Appearances. Wherein I share my whereabouts with potential stalkers.
4. Interview. Wherein I try to reconcile with my antagonistic interviewer.
5. Short Story. Wherein you read "The Cat Who Was Super Smart For A Cat But Still Pretty Dumb By Human Standards."
6. Links. Wherein I share ways for me to be part of your life much more frequently than this newsletter.
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Introduction
Welcome! We're back on the bi-weekly schedule, and in theory that should stick for at least the next three issues, unless I decide to go DAILY!!!!!!! which I most likely will not.
I don't have a new novel out today, but if you deleted the last issue unread and have blocked me from your social media feeds, you may have missed that Autumn Bleeds Into Winter came out two weeks ago. You can get it right HERE in paperback and Kindle editions.
Right now I'm working on four projects at once, like a godless writing slut. Deathless is an extremely dark thriller, and Creep Out is my attempt to be super duper spoooooky. Deathless will be done first, but Creep Out will be published before it, and I probably won't share much of anything about these books for at least the next few weeks.
I'm also working on Secret Untitled Project, not the actual title. That one will be published on December 14th. What is it? What's it about? Don't expect any details until November...if even then!!! Oh, the cruel power I hold over you, presuming you care, which you very well may not, but I can at least pretend that you're being driven to the brink of madness with your desire to know more.
Project #4 is my rewrite of the screenplay adaptation of my novel The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever. Unlike the various other movie adaptations of my work in development that I'm not allowed to blab anything about, I wrote the script for this one myself. But instead of saying "Oh my goodness, we're astounded by the perfection of what you've crafted!" the guys at Binge Bros. Productions gave me what we in the biz call "Notes." Ugh. Notes.
This issue's story is "The Cat Who Was Super Smart For A Cat But Still Pretty Dumb By Human Standards." I think the title is pretty self explanatory. Later in this issue, I will try to mend my differences with Abner Gleeker, the gentleman who conducts the antagonistic interviews. Enjoy!
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Latest News
Autumn Bleeds Into Winter is available in both Kindle and paperback editions! Reader reviews for this one have been spectacular. I wouldn't lie about that. If I did, you could just click the links and verify for yourself, and then call me out on my fib in front of everybody. I'd be exposed as a fraud. My goal in life is to never be exposed as a fraud, so trust me when I say that the reviews have been most peachy indeed.
At long, long, (long) last, the hardcover collector's edition of Cold Dead Hands is up for pre-order from Cemetery Dance! Scheduled to ship in December. Get it HERE.
The extreme horror anthology Brewtality will be published on October 30th, and if you pre-order you can get the Kindle edition for only $1.99. This collection of alcohol-themed horror stories contains my story "Pink Passion," a cautionary tale about the dangers of making fun of another man's drink. Get it HERE.
The first issue of Night Frights, a horror magazine for young adults, is now available! It contains my ridiculous story "The Mummy's Bite." Get it HERE.
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Appearances
October 16-18. Multiverse. Like all of my 2020 conventions, this one has gone to a virtual format. But, hey, unlike the live-in-person version, it's free! I'll be appearing on pre-recorded panels about "Horror as a Social Platform" and "Writing Humor in Spec Fic," but during the scheduled screening of those panels, the other participants and I will be hanging out on Discord to be charming and answer your questions. I'll also be doing a solo Q&A. As of this writing the full Multiverse schedule hasn't been posted, but check out the link for the latest updates.
AVAILABLE NOW. Necronomi.Com podcast. Each episode of this podcast features a guest joining hosts James Sabata and Don Guillory to discuss the social commentary in a specific horror movie. On my episode, we do a deep dive into one of my all-time favorite movies, Return of the Living Dead. Listen for free and check out previous episodes HERE.
PODCAST APPEARANCES COMING SOON. This Is Horror and Bloody Good Reads. Links next time.
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An Interview In Which I Try To Reconcile With My Antagonistic Interviewer
ABNER GLEEKER: Hello.
JEFF STRAND: Hi.
AG: 'Sup?
JS: Not much.
AG: Cool.
JS: Yeah.
AG: You're probably wondering why I asked you to sit down with me today. I feel that our past interviews have all been a little...confrontational.
JS: Gee, ya think?
AG: Let's not go straight to sarcasm. What I'm saying is that I recognize that I haven't always been the most polite interviewer, and I'd like to fix that. It's time for us to reconcile. I'm not saying that you should invite me over for s'mores and falafel, but we should be more cordial to each other.
JS: I try to be cordial, but you're always asking mean questions and stuff. It's hurtful.
AG: I'm sorry that I wounded you. But I'm here to prove that I can do better.
JS: I respect that you want to be a better man, but how can I trust that you've changed?
AG: Let's do an interview. Right here. Right now.
JS: Okay.
AG: So, Mr. Strand, tell me about your novel How to Rescue a Dead Princess.
JS: It's not currently available. That book came out in 2000 and does not reflect my current standards of quality, and I'm worried that somebody might read it and think it was brand new.
AG: Ah, All right. Well, I admire you for recognizing that one of your early efforts isn't very good.
JS: I didn't say it wasn't very good! It's a delightful laugh-filled zany comedy! It's just not up to my current standards!
AG: I apologize for the misunderstanding. That was entirely my fault and I should have done more research. So, Mr. Strand, tell me about your novel Out of Whack.
JS: It's not currently available. That book came out in 2001 and does not reflect my current standards of quality, and I'm worried that somebody might read it and think it was brand new.
AG: Dammit!
JS: Please don't bring your potty mouth to my elegant newsletter.
AG: I tried to do better! You saw me trying! It's not my fault you wrote some early sh**ty books that you're scared to let people read! What about Autumn Bleeds Into Winter? Are you gonna bury that one, too?
JS: No, actually, Autumn Bleeds Into Winter is one of my finest--
AG: I don't care. Nobody cares. I thought we could work this out, but apparently you aren't interested in speaking to any sycophantic interviewer who doesn't try to hump your leg the entire time! I quit!
JS: Good!
AG: I mean it. I'm not bluffing. I'll quit, and we'll bring in somebody else to conduct these newsletter interviews.
JS: Nothing would make me happier.
AG: Fine! I'm gone! Good day to you, sir! I say, GOOD DAY!
JS: Bye. Don't let the door hit you in the rump on the way out.
JS: Finally, I'm free of that guy. This newsletter is about to get 12-14% better.
JS: Wait, this...this doesn't mean I have to sit here and talk to myself, does it? That would be creepy. Sane people don't sit in empty rooms talking to themselves, do they?
JS: Hi, Jeff.
JS: Who's that?
JS: It's Abner Gleeker.
JS: No, the attribution says "JS."
JS: That's because...Abner Gleeker was you all along.
JS: Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
JS: To be continued...
JS: Wait, did I say "To be continued..." or were those words that appeared on the screen? What's happening here???
To be continued...
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Short Story
"The Cat Who Was Super Smart For A Cat But Still Pretty Dumb By Human Standards"
Copyright 2020 by Jeff Strand.
My cat Flickie is the smartest cat I've ever owned. She can even do tricks! Do you know many cats who can do tricks? I sure don't. If you hide her food bowl, she'll find it right away, no matter how cleverly it's hidden. Why, she's even figured out how to get the pantry door open! She is so very smart.
I mean by cat standards, of course. By human standards she's rock stupid.
I'm not criticizing her for not being able to talk. That's more of a vocal cords issue than an intelligence issue. If you implanted a human brain into a cat's head, it still wouldn't be able to talk. (I get that a human's brain is way bigger than a cat's head and wouldn't actually fit in there. That's not relevant to the point I'm trying to make.)
My point is that when I tell you that Flickie is a genius, I don't want you to think that she can read or anything like that. She is a genius by the very low standards of a cat.
Like, one time my friend and I were playing Monopoly, and Flickie jumped right up on the table, walked across the board, and knocked some of the pieces out of the way. If a human did that, you'd think there was something mentally wrong with them.
Imagine that your spouse climbed up on the table and crawled over the board with no consideration whatsoever for the fact that you were in the middle of a very competitive game of Monopoly. You'd be all like "WTF, sweetie???" You couldn't even put the pieces back and resume the game, because this would be a serious problem that needed to be dealt with right away. Humans simply do not crawl over tables where you're playing board games. If they did, you'd want to put them on some sort of medication.
Same thing with puzzles. Even the dumbest of humans won't walk over a table where there's a puzzle in progress, whereas the smartest of cats will cheerfully mess up all of your hard work.
If it sounds like I'm belaboring the point, it's just because I strive to be honest at all times, and when I say that Flickie is a genius, I don't want you to think that she's smart enough not to knock puzzle pieces off the table.
Ask her a math question and there's no chance she could answer it. Geography? Nope. Science? She eats grass, even though it makes her sick. Oh, she can walk over my computer keyboard while I'm trying to work, but even the most basic web-browsing abilities are out of her reach. If you put her in a human school, even with teachers who gave her a lot of individual attention, her report card would look like this: F. F. F. F. F. F. F.
"What about Physical Education?" you might ask. "Surely Flickie would do well in that."
Nope. Flickie can run faster than your average human student, that's for sure! But if the coach said, "Okay, Flickie, give me a lap around the gymnasium," that cat wouldn't do it. Best case scenario, she'd run part of the way across the middle of the gym and then lie down to take a bath.
Oh, yeah, Flickie sits around and licks herself and doesn't even care who's watching. I guess some humans do that, but at least they charge for it. Flickie just does it for free.
But now I want to return to my point that by cat standards, Flickie is super-duper smart. Like I said, when I hide her food bowl, she can always find it! Although I'm suddenly thinking that this might be because of her sense of smell instead of her intelligence. Maybe that's it. Maybe she just smells the food residue in the bowl. Damn.
And now I'm also kind of self-conscious about the revelation that I hide my cat's food bowl from her, which seemed like an amusing prank when I did it but now seems like a dick move. I just wanted to see if she could find it! I wasn't trying to be cruel! My cat gets fed! I'm not a monster! She gets food and water and scritches and everything a cat needs, and when she lashes out at me with her razor-sharp claws for no reason I don't even put her in time-out.
Stop judging me! You don't know me!
All I was trying to say is that Flickie was really smart, but I didn't want to set up unrealistic expectations, and now I've gone and ruined everything.
This whole show-and-tell has been a complete disaster. I'm going to sit down now.
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