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Hello Master <<First Name>>,
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Have you ever shared an annoying situation
with someone,
and then suddenly been pushed by them
to stand up for yourself?
Or maybe, you’ve experienced being the listener side,
when you just couldn’t wait another second
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before jumping and telling the teller
that they must do something, or quit, or break up?
Where does this push come from??
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Before we delve into this escalating dynamic,
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And in the meantime,
let’s get back to our frustrating story.
How did the talk become that intense?
Maybe you hoped for a warm empathy, a different angle, a good advice,
when openly shared something
that is going on at work, at home, with a friend.
Maybe you’ve already wrapped your head around it,
maybe you’re not sure what to do.
Maybe an extreme solution wasn’t one of your immediate options,
and anyway, this is not really you.
But, suddenly, you’re being pushed by your listener into a battle:
“You have to speak up for yourself!”
Or if you are the listening side,
feeling the anger and the frustration rising in you,
holding until you can’t anymore
and it’s coming out:
“But you can’t continue like this! You must say something!”
Because, yes… even as listeners, we’re triggered.
It doesn’t even have to be an acute situation… It could also be
any time we feel that the other side
doesn’t act in full, doesn’t move fast enough, moves to the wrong direction…
But today, let’s continue with that abrupt one, and see
how it doesn’t need to happen directly to us,
so that we demand justice.
It’s enough if it happens to someone whom we care about,
and eager to protect.
And this is exactly what’s happening to the listener here;
They -
sometimes it’s us -
are starting to identify with the story,
which is happening right now, in the real time of the telling,
to both the teller - and them.
From here, like an inevitable survival mode snowball,
all the good intention to listen carefully
has disappeared at once:
A triggered inner button is being pressed,
evoking feeling of being taken advantage of,
the fight-or-flight system is getting off,
the inner child is feeling invisible, stepped on,
afraid of being used and overlooked,
the fear of getting hurt, of suffering,
of everyone can do to me whatever they want,
and the system is rushing to both protect the child,
and appease and please the angry, fuming, adult.
All soul and wants are now totally forgotten –
to be empathetic, attentive, supportive
because the impact is so strong
– it’s now fight or flight. Black or white.
No golden paths, creative solutions, consideration;
Survival mode is very narrow, urgent, conclusive, final:
“You need to speak up for yourself! – Or, - Quit! Break up! Stop this!”
And on the teller side? -
The push meets your worry
that in the frustrating situation
you’re really being taken advantage of.
‘How am I even allowing this to happen?!’
- We all mirror each other, and at the end of the day
the listeners’ voices, too,
just reflect, just echo, the voices in our head.
And in this inner quake, it may also reflect your suspicion
that you’re acting too soft, too forgiving,
Maybe ignoring, repressing? Deluding yourself?
So now, on one hand,
it’s hard to detach
and calmly go back to your original thoughts and feelings –
it’s now ‘contaminated’, lost its innocence.
Then, trying to resist, not to let the other's words to come in,
is making it even worse
because you can't come from a pure, clean assessment anymore -
in the inner struggle and resistance, clarity got lost.
In this imbalance, it’s now your turn
to take care of your own startled, confused inner child
and their rush to please, to appease and protect
the triggered, offended listener – and their inner child.
What a messy endless circle, eh…
To sit with your worries and fears, acknowledge them,
let them be, spread, dissolve
making space for your inner original voice, your authenticity,
to emerge again from the silence,
bringing you back to your own way –
be it successful or not,
it’s yours.
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Keep taking a good care,
Sending love and health,
See you,
Inbal
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