(Some) things are nice again.
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I’m Nuts about This Chipmunk
That’s right, this semi-popular, semi-regular, masturbatory, email newsletter is back. Kind of, for a little while, like right now, maybe not next week, I’m very busy. It’s been a minute since we talked, how’re you going?!
Kidding, don’t answer that. Everyone was kind of bad, but the same kind of bad, so we don’t want to talk about it, also I weirdly can’t remember anything, and also lockdown is over in Melbourne, it was 30 degrees today, there were zero cases, but bad things and people still very much exist, and humans are still cruel and callow, and this unprecedented cacophony of suffering hasn’t seemed to result any any real shift in empathy and understanding.
But that’s not what I’m here to talk about! I’m here to talk about this woman who missed restaurants so much she CREATED A TINY RESTAURANT FOR A CHIPMUNK.
I’d explain further but that’s pretty much the whole, incredible, story. After being gifted a tiny picnic table for rodents (BRAG) food writer Angela Hansberger began making tiny meals (and magazines, tableware, at one point a full sushi counter) for the creature who she named Thelonious Munk (I'll forgive the pun).
This is a story about a chipmunk but it’s also a story about boredom, creativity, insanity, genius, and humanity's unbreakable capacity to find beauty and fun in the darkest places. KIDDING it’s a story about a chipmunk at a sushi counter.
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Who Stole Moon Juice’s Crystal?
Oh wait I have to think of three more “nice things'' to talk about. Ok? What else has been bringing me tooth-decaying, nerve pain-inducing joy recently? Well, not surprisingly in the middle of a global pandemic, I’ve been thinking a lot about the time someone stole the giant crystal from the LA Moon Juice store, and the resulting Big Little Lies-style intrigue that followed. If you’re interested in batshit stories about rich insane people, babe, strap in.
At the heart of the tale is Amanda Chantal Bacon. If you’re not familiar with her, she’s the person Gwyneth Paltrow would roast to seem down to earth. But she’s also the creator of Moon Juice—a store I legally can’t roast because I spent $18 on literally dirt tea there once (BRAG).
Amanda first went viral in 2015 for this truly genius food diary that honestly might be a Yoko Ono collab. This 2017 New York Times profile on her is also incredible. Not only for its insights into the most bonkers industry to ever bring me to the brink of bankruptcy, but also for capturing the mix of distaste and I’d-rip-off-my-skin-to-be-like-you envy women like this inspire. Also, spoiler alert, that fucking crystal was stolen by Father John Misty (I’ll scrape my brain off these heated stone floors and be on my way).
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Sassy Mum Face Masks
Like most of you, I’ve given the real estate below my lower lash line to a facemask that causes me to break out, but also forget I don’t have cheekbones. Being spiritually incapable of spending time thinking about constructive things, I've logically become fascinated by many mask-adjacent sub-genres. Not like in a scary anti-mask kind of way. More in a “is my desire to find a ‘cute mask’ dystopian end-stage behaviour or a legit coping strategy to use fashion as a balm for terror”. Oh sorry, got a bit serious there for a moment—quick, is Will Ferrell actually hot? Now we’re back!
Ok, what I was trying to say before reality interrupted, was that my #1 passion is sassy wine mum mask merch. Highlights include:
“Will only remove for wine”
“Wine, the glue holding 2020 shitshow together”
And the seasonal, “Merry Christmas I'm just here for the wine”
Bonus points for this review (mask read “today’s forecast, 99% chance of wine”), which I feel is the most poignant piece of cultural writing to emerge from 2020: “The masks were cute and delivered on time, however they did not meet the fit requirements for the Disney parks. It didn’t fit properly over chin and nose. So was unable to use them.”
Ernest Hemingway has baby shoes, Disney wine mums have the comment section.
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What’s Harry Been up To?
Wow this one ended up being long, I guess I missed you! Let’s just finish with some pictures of Harry Styles and his cute little Gucci bags.
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