GriefPerspectives
 

As I prepared to write this month’s column in early November, I reread the article I wrote this time last year before the world would be so irrevocably changed. Rather than write a new article, I actually decided simply to update that one because its message might be even timelier now than it was 12 months ago.
 
My Canadian friends have a better idea, I think. Thanksgiving across the provinces occurs on the second Monday of October, a full seven weeks or so ahead of the one celebrated in the United States. This traditional holiday that expresses gratitude to God for a bountiful harvest makes sense to be celebrated earlier in the northern climes where the growing season is shorter. But the late November celebration in the United States carries a downside; it frequently gets nearly overlooked because of its proximity to its overbearing cousin, Christmas, which this year at least, follows Thanksgiving by only 29 days. Thanksgiving Day used to mark the beginning of the Christmas shopping season but now stores open for their annual rite of consumerism, Black Friday, before the sun even sets on the gratitude holiday. To get an earlier head start in this year of economic turmoil, many retailers have been advertising “Black Friday” sales since the day after Halloween. All in all, it seems sort of ironic that we cannot even set aside one full day for focus on gratitude before we start the pushing-and-shoving of materialism.
 
Nearly everyone appreciates gratitude; we bristle at an entitled child or young adult who seems to think his parent owes him something more than he has received and pouts at the alleged deficiency. Our own smile brightens when a person looks directly into our eyes and says, “Thank you for…” and then names a specific trait we have exhibited or action we have performed. There are few things as sweet as receiving a handwritten (not emailed!) thank you note in a real, honest-to-goodness hand addressed envelope with a colorful postage stamp in the corner. If you are like me, you might put those envelopes aside to open only after you have sorted through the bills and the junk mail because these heartfelt notes always get a special place in the reading of our mail.
 
In their veritable tome on character development, psychologists Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman (2004) offer a culturally consensual definition of gratitude: “a sense of thankfulness and joy in response to receiving a gift, whether the gift be a tangible benefit from a specific other or a moment of peaceful bliss evoked by natural beauty” (p. 554). They go on to write, “Prototypically, gratitude stems from the perception that one has benefited due to the actions of another person. There is an acknowledgement that one has received a gift and an appreciation of a recognition of the value of that gift” (p. 554).
 
Gratitude makes these authors’ list of 24 human character traits because it is so widely appreciated across cultures and historical eras. The classical writers (such as Cicero) praised it as a virtue and it is widely honored as a “highly prized human disposition in Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, and Hindu thought” (Peterson & Seligman, 2004, p. 555). Moreover, the authors posit, research into the benefits of expressing gratitude have linked the presence of this quality in a person to increased levels of contentment, happiness, and hope (p. 558), a point not difficult to appreciate for anyone who has felt the sense of personal peace that accompanies saying a heartfelt “thank you” to someone else for a benefit received.
 
One study quantified a possible fringe benefit to gratitude for the one expressing it: those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more, reported fewer physical symptoms than their matched controls, felt an overall sense of well-being in their lives, and expressed more optimism (Emmons & Crumpler, 2000).
 
As Debbie and I approach the fourth anniversary (in February) of the car wreck that took the life of our friend, shortened her husband’s life, and caused the orthopedic and cognitive deficits with which I now contend daily, we have faced anew the opportunity to discover what it means to be grateful. In the early aftermath—certainly before we had begun to appreciate the long-term effects of the injuries—we began responding to friends inquiring about my well-being with words like, “We are extraordinarily grateful and we are learning to do the difficult work of integrating this experience into our lives.” It seems that loss often (usually?) requires both pieces.
 
As every reader of this newsletter knows, loss and grief are far more about integrating the experience into the rest of their lives than it is finding any real sense of “closure” or “recovery,” concepts that I find elusive at best and at their worst, downright cruel to even propose. In loss, we literally build a bridge between life as we formerly knew it to life that is going to be in the future, a life that does not include the persons, experiences, and treasures we have “lost.” As much as we appreciate memories of the past and we honor their presence in our lives, the memories we have of a loved one are a poor substitute for that person’s physical presence with us; that is the substance of grief. This is what so many of us mean when we talk of finding a “new normal” in loss.
 
But perhaps laying over all of that like a warm blanket on a cold, rainy afternoon, is our ability to experience—and then thoughtfully express—gratitude. So especially this year, during this “harvest season” when it is culturally expected to express gratitude, take a few minutes to jot a note to a mentor, a friend, or a family member whose life, character, and teaching have been particularly meaningful to you. Buy a package of “thank you” note cards and write one per day over the next week to the people who have been important in your life. Use your very own pen to hand-address each one. Affix a real postage stamp to the letters and drop them in the mailbox, creating for yourself a “rite of gratitude.” Then know that you have brightened the day of more than a half dozen people. You will feel better and you will have made the world a little brighter place, as well.
 

References.
 
Emmons, R.A. & Crumpler, C.A. (2000). Gratitude as human strength: Appraising the evidence. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 19, 56-69.
 
Peterson, C. & Seligman M.E.P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

 

Webinar TODAY with Dr. Bill Worden

How the Tasks of Mourning are Influenced by COVID Deaths

Thursday, November 19, 2020 02:00 PM Eastern Time (US and Canada)
 
Register Here

 
Description: Please join us for a presentation with J. William Worden, PhD, ABPP, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association. Dr.  Worden is the author of "Grief Counselling & Grief Therapy:  A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner."  Now in its 5th edition, the book has been used as the standard reference on the subject around the world.  Dr. Worden holds an academic appointment at the Harvard Medical School where he is Co-Investigator of the Harvard Child Bereavement Study based at the Massachusetts General Hospital.
 
Dr. Worden’s TASKS OF MOURNING MODEL has long been used to describe the mourning process and to provide intervention strategies for working with the bereaved. There are specific features associated with COVID-19 deaths that can affect the mourning process and thus impact how one experiences the four tasks of mourning.
 
The Key Objectives of this Webinar are:
1. To look at specific features associated with COVID 19 deaths.
2. To see how these features can affect the mourning process using the Tasks of Mourning model.
3. To present specific intervention strategies for grief counselors to use in this era of pandemic.
 

Roe, G. (2013). Surviving the holidays without you: Navigating grief during special seasons. Bryan, TX: GR Healing Resources. 

Reviewed by Molly A. Keating, MA, CT
Editor, GriefPerspectives
 
Hospice Chaplain, Gary Roe, has written an extremely readable, helpful and encouraging book about how we can work to manage ourselves and our grief amidst the lofty expectations of the holidays. 

Roe's expertise is conveyed with a comfortable familiarity that has all of the truth of and wisdom we hope for and communicated with warmth and ease. 

A prime example of this unique truth-telling is the line, "For the holidays to go well, you must take your heart seriously" (18).  Roe's approach is practical and intimately connected to the reality of being a real grieving person experiencing a crazy and terrible mountain of emotions at the most sentimental time of year. Each chapter ends with an encouraging mantra that can be used to re-center and encourage grievers as they need them.

More than ever, this holiday season we are in need of careful management of our expectations, whether we are actively grieving or not. Roe's idea that holidays are as hard as the expectations around them seems appropriate for all of us to keep in mind. Adjusting expectations, being aware of the needs of our hearts, and standing firm in the truth that different holidays are hard, but there can also be some good - are all helpful attitudes to take with us.