A few weeks ago, I was vacuuming my car at a car wash in Salt Lake City when I got what I could only describe at the time as "mask aggression" from a stranger-man.
The place was poppin', and he pulled up next to me and started using the only available vacuum within reach of my car at the time. Not a big deal to wait, but not knowing if he was about to embark on a full-on detail or was doing a quick brush-up, I asked if he could use the other machine to the left of his car (cause the one to my right was also tied up). He wasn't wearing a mask, so I could see the dirty look on his face and he just yelled back at me, WHAT? I repeated, again, very nonchalantly and casually. This happened a couple more times to the point where I could tell he'd heard me but was proving a point. Who knows, maybe I was too, but without saying anything back and with a final look of disgust he returned it, and drove off.
I could feel the tension and anger just dripping off my body. This was such a minor interaction, but the catastrophizing was swift and disproportionately large. I started questioning everything:
was I rude and unreasonable? was it because of my mask or did I insert that narrative entirely? was I being impatient? which spiraled into,
this city is awful, people here are rude, I hate this place, etc. I'm pretty sure I texted a friend about this exchange (merely deflecting my discomfort as though I couldn't contain and process it myself). The whole thing lasted 20 seconds, but it was on track to spoil my day, all in my head. Then, I remembered I have a body. I got in my car and did a shake. I shook my hands, I moved my shoulders around, I reached my arms out, I wiggled my butt a little, I did a lip-fluttering breath and I just generally tried to move and feel into all parts of my body. And ya know, I felt better. I still "remembered" the experience from an intellectual standpoint, and could recall it as unpleasant, but it was no longer dripping off of me. I had shaken it off.
This is just one example of transforming a habit into a ritual. And it takes practice. I also don't want to misrepresent this idea: if a true injustice has been done, it's not as though this is an effort to forgive or wipe it away but merely to transform your immediate nervous system reaction so you can achieve some balance. Obviously, you won't always catch yourself quickly enough to apply the ritual, but with time it will come more naturally.
The best way to integrate a shift like this is to be aware of a few things and make a game plan:
1. What's the behavior I'm hoping to shift? For me, it's stewing in my annoyance or anger when I encounter or read troubling things, which also manifests as deflecting it onto other people.
2. What's my trigger point going to be today? This is the thing that generally precedes the behavior you are trying to change. For me, this was, "someone is going to do or say something to tick me off." This is something we can mostly count on happening every day, so it's good to have a game plan if your usual habit to that trigger is something that's not serving you.
3. What is a ritual that will utilize my senses versus my intellect/brain in response? This could be a breathing technique, it could be noticing how your feet are connected to the earth, it could be a senses round-robin (What do I hear right now? What do I smell right now? What do I see right now? What do I taste right now? What do I feel right now on my skin?), it could be a shake practice. It could be drinking water. But make it something pretty sensual and tactical.
4. How do I hope to feel after successfully replacing my habit with my new ritual? This is harder to hone in on, but it's an important part. If you don't know where you're going and the "why" it can be harder to stay committed when life comes at you. In the example above for me, it was that I want to feel at home in my body, like I'm free, not held back or weighed down, and have clear eyes to the world.
Here is another example of a habit I'm working to shift. I have a habit that doesn't serve me where I scroll my social media feeds when I am waiting for something (except apparently vacuums, to which I must immediately have access!!!). But generally, in lines, waiting rooms, or on a walk from A to B, etc. So a ritual I'm working to replace this with is to try to notice three new sensations around me. The other day on a walk I was giving this a go, and I ended up wandering over to a drum circle in the park that if I'd had my headphones in, I never would have realized was there. It ended up making me feel like I'd tapped into some community totally unexpectedly. Plus drums are so primally healing,
again the whole music thing.
So in review, the
un-serving behavior is endless scrolling. The
trigger point is waiting for something. The
replacement ritual is noticing three new things in the world around. The
how I hope to feel is more connected (which, you see, is
probably what I was seeking to begin with).
Resist the urge to apply this to ALLLLL the habits, but maybe start with one and let it unfold, but know that it's a practice and not something to flip a switch on. Like a dog who shakes off when you give it a pet, let your ritual remind you that you are merely an animal in clothes, and let that be the source of your deepest wisdom.
💖
Kelly
