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Contents
1. Introduction. Wherein I welcome you to the newsletter.
2. Latest News. Wherein I encourage you to purchase my latest projects in a non-pushy manner.
3. Appearances. Wherein I share my whereabouts with potential stalkers.
4. A Story In Pictures. Wherein I present a very special copy of Kumquat.
5. Short Story. Wherein you read "Bunny Ears."
6. Links. Wherein I share ways for me to be part of your life much more frequently than this newsletter.
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Welcome to 2021, kids! I know, I started the year off by skipping an issue. Sorry--I was crazy busy. I'm still crazy busy, with no plans to exit that state of being anytime soon, but I didn't want you to think I don't love you anymore!
This issue, the new story is "Bunny Ears." And you'll learn why a copy of Kumquat was super special. Plus a peek at the cover of my next book. And much, much...well, okay, not MUCH more. A little bit more. A couple of links, maybe.
Enjoy!!!
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Latest News
The Writing Life is still my most recent book! Word on the street is that even if you aren't a writer, the plentiful anecdotes contained within these pages provide gobs of entertainment value. Available in Kindle and paperback editions!
I wrote the foreword for Tales of Nightmare Creatures, and I'm told that it's worth the price of the book all by itself! Of course, if you pre-order (it comes out February 8th), the book is only 99 cents. Is it egotistical to suggest that my foreword provides 99 cents' worth of entertainment? Decide for yourself HERE.
And coming soon.........
(Cover by Lynne Hansen.)
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Appearances
Low-risk guys who stay at home and write books all day aren't exactly a top priority for the vaccine, so my presence at 2021 conventions remains a mystery. But...
Thursday, January 28, 8:00 PM EST.
The Southern Nightmares Reading Series [Virtual Event]: Every month, the Atlanta chapter of the Horror Writers Association brings you an hour's worth of online horror readings. For January, the theme is "Non-Fiction," and so I'll be reading from The Writing Life. Check out the Facebook event page HERE.
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Short Story
"Bunny Ears"
Copyright 2021 by Jeff Strand
Have you met my buddy Chet? No? You’d like him. Cool guy. Played hockey in college. Can eat more French fries than any man I’ve ever known. Once saved a snake from getting hit when it was slithering across a busy street.
There’s one thing about Chet that does really annoy me, though. When he’s in a picture with you, he always does that “bunny ears” thing where he puts his fingers up behind your head. I mean he literally does it every single time.
I’m not saying it isn’t funny. Of course it’s funny. Everybody appreciates bunny ears. I just kind of wish he’d pick and choose his opportunities.
Like, if we’re hanging around at a bar and we want a picture to commemorate how much fun we’re having—sure, do the bunny ears! It’s a good laugh! But if we’re posing for photographs at my wedding, maybe that’s not the appropriate venue for it. Do you get what I’m saying?
Sorry. I’m not sure why I started talking about Chet. It’s good to see you again. I’ll let you get back to your grocery shopping.
* * *
Oh, hi! How long has it been? Wow, that long? Time sure does fly, doesn’t it?
Remember my friend Chet I told you about that one time? Yeah, the bunny ears guy. He’s still doing it. I’ll say, “Hey, Chet, maybe you could skip the bunny ears for just this one picture,” and he’ll say “Oh, sure, I can totally do that,” and as soon as we say “Cheese!” his hand is right behind my head with his index and middle fingers up. When I call him out on it, he says he was doing the “V for Victory” sign, even though we both know he wasn’t.
I just can’t make him recognize that it’s only funny about half the time.
But that’s not even the worst part. Chet learned out to use Photoshop. So every single time I post a picture on social media, he re-posts it with him giving me bunny ears. Every one of them. I don’t want to be rude and un-friend him, but this is really starting to grate on my nerves.
Whoa, that’s an amazing price for grapefruit! I'm gonna stock up!
* * *
Hey, I guess we both do our shopping at the same time! Don’t worry, I won’t talk about Chet this time.
Okay, one Chet update. He hacked into my accounts. Now he goes in and edits my original posts of pictures so that I’ve got the bunny ears. And it’s not always his fingers—he’s started Photoshopping big fluffy pink cartoon bunny ears on my head, and also real ones, like from real rabbits. I keep telling him it’s not funny anymore, but he just won’t stop.
Do you know which aisle has great big knives?
* * *
It’s been an interesting couple of days.
I posed for a picture with Chet, and he did the bunny ears, and I chopped off his hand. I knew there’d be blood, but I didn’t realize it would come out of there with so much force. Say what you will about Chet, his arteries know how to pump.
I felt bad watching him scream and bleed, but he’d brought this on himself. If you take the bunny ears thing too far, eventually you’re going to get your hand chopped off, and there’s nobody to blame but yourself, right?
I thought I was going to finally get a good night’s sleep, but I woke up when my wife was shouting “Leave him alone! Leave him alone!” I was dragged out of bed by men in black facemasks. They injected me with something, and the next thing I knew I was lying on an operating table, and the next thing I knew after that I was back in my bed, with my wife pointing and shrieking.
Yeah, Chet had his severed hand surgically implanted onto the back of my head, giving me permanent bunny ears.
My wife wants me to have it removed, but you have to admit, it’s pretty funny. Good one, Chet.
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