Who has ended up in a fight with their partner (sometimes the same fight for years) when simply trying to explain to them why you did (or didn’t) do something? 

They’re telling you they were hurt or frustrated or sad or felt alone, and you want to make them feel better by letting them know that it wasn’t about ‘them’.

Why won’t my partner listen to me?

If they could only understand my intentions, they wouldn’t be hurt or sad or angry anymore!

Right?

Wrong.

What is missing from these interactions that was present when you first got together?

It’s that magical L word. Listening. With genuine curiosity. And true empathy.

When we first get serious with someone, we spend hours and hours non-judgementally listening to their stories and validate their experiences. We say ‘that must have been awful’ or ‘oh my god I can’t believe that happened, no wonder you felt that way!’ or you simply lay there, holding them, while they tell you about their hurts and fears.

Over time, inevitably, hurts are going to be linked to YOUR behaviour in the relationship. These might be obvious wrongs and require heartfelt apology, atonement, and willingness to change. But usually it’s not so obvious who is ‘right’… because no one is.