I Still Have My First Laptop From 1992
Content Warning: sexual assault
Dear <<First Name>>,
This is my first laptop. I bought it in 1992. It is so heavy Cocoa can't chew or play with it.
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Given that I still have my Macintosh Powerbook 170, I giggled when I read this line in Adam Grant’s excellent new bestseller, Think Again. He writes, “We laugh at people who still use Windows 95, yet we still cling to opinions that we formed in 1995.”
Well, at least I am no longer using that laptop. But ... it is still gathering dust and taking up space just a few feet from my desk because … nostalgia? (Query: does anyone have Marie Kondo’s cell?).
Gathering Dust
The point in Think Again was that often our ideas need to be upgraded, just like our technology. As I read the book, my mind wandered to the Me Too Movement, founded by Tarana Burke. This movement helped many of us realize that we have allowed antiquated, wrongheaded ideas about sexual assault and rape to take up mental space and gather dust. Grant's argument that we actively think again is a good prompt to study some of those ideas, which are older than my laptop but were never as useful. So, let's do that.
Do the Math
The facts are crushing: according to the CDC, 1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 38 men are victims of sexual violence. Think about your workplace, your neighborhood, your family - do the math.
I am becoming more aware of how rape culture makes it difficult for us to even recognize and define the problem, let alone dispel the myths which dominate our societal narrative on sexual violence. One of my greatest fears is rape, and still, the more I learn about rape culture, the more I see how it permeates my world and even my mind.
For example, on the (excellent) Me Too Movement website, the issue of sexual violence is framed as a) a public health crisis, b) a human rights issue, and c) form of systemic violence. Read that list again.
Public Health.
Human Rights.
Systemic Violence.
Why is this framing so rare in my thoughts, in our media, and in our society?
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This is not the narrative we have soaked up through our pores our entire lives. Some of the thoughts we need to rethink are not always consciously held beliefs; they have become our implicit stereotypes, attitudes, and associations. So, thinking again may require paying active attention to both our explicit and implicit thoughts, and all the forces which led to them. In doing so, you might even start writing down a think-again list.
Some of my Think-Again List
- That cliché Hollywood gag scene in which a woman wakes up next to a man, not knowing how she got there - cue the laugh track.
- How rape and sexual assault victims are dragged through the legal system and the effect that has on their ability to continue on with their jobs and studies.
- How we ask if he/she/they said “no” -- not whether they said “yes” -- and why is that the default.
- How I wonder “did they fight back?” when someone is raped but not when someone is mugged.
- Why it could not matter less how many people someone has slept with; it is literally as relevant as how many times they have had ice cream.
- The rights of sex workers to be protected from rape.
- Why I over-worry about being sexually assaulted by a stranger when the risks are greater of being sexually assaulted by someone you know.
What is on your list?
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Recently, my thinking again has been jumpstarted by two brilliant, engrossing experiences: the book Know My Name and the movie Promising Young Woman. I highly recommend both and here is why.
Know My Name
Brock Turner was convicted for sexual assault of an unconscious woman, who would later identify herself as Chanel Miller. He also happened to be a champion swimmer at Stanford, whose athletic accomplishments and brand name academic institution made this case a global media story. Somehow, his promise as an athlete became relevant, both in the courtroom and in the public eye. Despite an agonizing trial which seemed to focus on Miller’s actions more than Turner's, the prosecutor’s case against him was as close to airtight as it could be. A jury unanimously found Turner guilty of three felony counts.
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After the verdict, Miller (Emily Doe at the time) read a victim statement aloud to the court, a mesmerizing account of the harm she and those close to her had experienced. Victim statements are intended to inform the judge’s decision-making about the severity of the punishment. This must-read went viral and was our first hint of the influential role Miller would play in fighting rape culture and supporting survivors.
Despite Miller’s statement, the unanimous verdicts, and a strong legal case, the judge sentenced Turner to only six months in county jail (three months with good behavior). In delivering the light sentence, the judge highlighted the “severe impact” a longer sentence would have on Turner. While a guilty verdict was considered a legal victory compared to what many rape victims have seen, the light sentence sparked a global firestorm. Eventually, the judge would be forced to retire from the bench.
In Know My Name, Chanel Miller deploys her exceptional abilities as a storyteller, writer, artist, and creator to tell her story with stunning humility, candor, and clarity. Despite the painful topic, Miller offers a poetic form of storytelling, that is all the more absorbing and soothing in the audiobook version she narrates herself. I was especially taken by how she described her emotional experience of the absurdities she endured. Here is an example:
“In elementary school we had to write in our yellow journals daily. One day we were doing silent reading while the teacher graded our yellow journals in the back. I heard my name, turned to see her lifting my journal up in the air, pages loosely flapping. Chanel, there is no such thing as January 42! I had written beyond January 31...all the way up to January 42. The whole class was laughing, and I grew hot with shame. There were obvious rules in the world I had missed. What other things didn't I know? Now the judge was dangling my statement in the air, everyone laughing, my face burning. January has thirty-one days, rapists get three months; everyone in the world knew this, except me.”
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Miller takes us into both the trauma and the recovery, step by step. Years later, she still remembers micro-acts of kindness in convenience stores and apartment lobbies by people who did not know she was Emily Doe (I find myself going more out of the way to be overtly kind to random people as a result of Miller's recollections of these seemingly trivial gestures).
She highlights the inspiring heroism of the two passersby - Peter Jonsson and Carl-Fredrik Arndt - who witnessed and stopped the crime, kneeled down to check on Miller, chased down a fleeing Turner, and tackled him. Sobbing at what they had seen, these two PhD students forcibly held down an Olympic hopeful athlete until the police could arrive to arrest him.
Sometimes, Miller speaks directly to other survivors and her support is powerful. In that same voice, she later released a lovely 5 minute video of her words and drawings called I Am With You on her website.
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A frame from the short film "I am With You" drawn, written and narrated by Chanel Miller.
We realize how ordinary a story it is, despite the extraordinary attention to this case. It will be awhile before another book affects me the way this one has. After a few weeks of listening to the book during chores, walks, and workouts, I felt like Chanel Miller was my friend, the kind of friend who would hug you while nudging you to think again about old ideas. Especially ideas about promising young men.
Promising Young Woman
The movie Promising Young Woman is available to stream through YouTube, Amazon, and elsewhere. Depending where you look, it is listed as a drama, a comedy, a crime program, and/or a thriller. At first, I thought that was a mistake, but now, I get it. It is all of it. No spoilers here so I will just say this: It’s a revenge story.
There is speculation that the title of the movie is a spin on the disturbing narrative which men like Brock Turner are sometimes saved by -- their unrealized promise for the future -- with little accounting for the victim's unrealized promise.
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The movie was written and directed by Emerald Fennell, also known for her work on The Crown and Killing Eve. She describes Promising Young Woman as a “poison popcorn movie ... painful, but fun to watch.” It’s weird to say, but she’s right. It is spellbinding.
The movie opens with a recognizable moment in a bar - a woman is visibly drunk and a guy goes over to her. While it is a movie for all genders, men might particularly benefit from watching. Many have said that this movie will do for rape what Fatal Attraction did for infidelity. People will think twice, lest they be haunted by their actions.
In describing her writing motivation and process, Fennell echoes the core of my research on the psychology of good people: “we all think we are good people.” I am fascinated by how we sometimes do not see things that are wrong right in front of us and how we normalize the wrong. Harvard Business School professor Max Bazerman and I have described this “bounded awareness” here and here. I definitely felt my bounded awareness looming large while watching this movie, at the edge of my seat.
Some argue that the film is problematic (e.g. here and here and here, spoilers in all) and I learned from these thoughtful perspectives. While I may think again as I learn more, as of now, I feel the film works as it is. I am not sure I would uniformly recommend the film to sexual assault survivors (if possible, talk to someone who has seen it first), but I hope many other people see it.
My First Laptop
Regarding that old laptop and those old ideas, it recently dawned on me that both are older than most of my MBA students. So, that's sobering. Well, I have upgraded my technology many times since then, it is time to upgrade my ideas. But I am not ready to Marie Kondo this dusty laptop!
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Please share this newsletter with anyone you like!
I am learning so much from writing these newsletters and I hope you find them useful. I will keep sending you bite-sized, evidence-based, action-oriented tips on the last Sunday of each month (check out past issues here). Please feel free to forward, post, tweet as much as you like - links are below. And, thoughts welcome - I would love to hear it all - email link is below.
Thanks for growing with me,
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This month's artwork credits from top: Katie Sutton (logo), Jeana Marinelli (books), Dolly Chugh (Cocoa and laptop), UPenn via flickr (Tarana Burke, Penguin Random House (Think Again), Mihai Surdu via unsplash (#METOO), Penguin Random House (Know My Name cover art), Bookblock via unsplash (yellow journal), Chanel Miller & Emily Moore (“I Am With You”), Focus Features (Promising Young Woman (2020)) Charnjit Singh (laptop).
I thank Evelyn Parker for volunteering their time, thoughtfulness, and talent as an editor, visual designer and alt text writer. Special thanks to Eliza Armstrong, Lisa Carnoy, Mary McDade, and Charnjit Singh for thoughtful wisdom. Ongoing gratitude to Belinda Li and Katie Sutton for help with research, design, and promotion of this newsletter.
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