Do I Really Need to Apologize?

Marriage Maven's News & Views

Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW March 2021 Vol.7 No.3

Do I Really Need to Apologize?

One of the most memorable lines from a movie comes from the 1970 film Love Story. After an argument, Oliver tells Jenny he's sorry. Through her tears, Jenny responds: "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

This may sound lovely, but it's ridiculous, as many of us know.

If we do something that hurts someone's feelings and we know it, two people are harmed when an apology is lacking, both the offender and the person who felt hurt.

Who's Hurt by No Apology
Let's say, for example, that we're discussing marriage partners. The one who doesn't apologize for behavior that resulted in their spouse feeling hurt somehow also suffers. Feelings of shame or guilt arise and linger. Such emotions drain energy and decrease self-esteem, even if the person holds an arrogant "I can do no wrong" attitude.
The spouse who deserves but doesn't receive an apology may continue to feel hurt. The wound can fester until they lose trust in their partner. The good-will that used to exist between the spouses takes a nosedive.

Fragility Can Prevent Us from Apologizing
Why can it feel so hard to apologize when we've hurt someone? Let's face it; most of us are at least somewhat fragile. We want to feel good, or at least okay about ourselves. So it may be easier to choose self-righteousness than to take responsibility and offer an apology for behaving insensitively.

But if we have a healthy sense of self-esteem, we're more likely to accept our imperfections. We can offer a better apology, ask for forgiveness, make amends, and put our best effort into doing better next time.

Ineffective Apologies
How often have you heard a parent tell a child who misbehaved toward another child: "Tell Stevie you're sorry." So the child, feeling no remorse because he may not yet have developed much of a conscience, says "I'm sorry" like a robot. And he lacks the will or understanding to behave differently in the future.

Similarly, many adults say the words to appease a partner. But they come across as meaningless because they're not spoken from the heart or followed up with improved behavior that lasts. Many alcoholics promise a spouse that they'll cut back on or quit drinking and mean it at the time, but nothing changes. They may think they've done their duty by pledging sobriety and feel like they're off the hook.

The kind of pseudo-apology, however, that I find most nerve-wracking is the one that says something like, "I'm sorry that you feel that way." It's like they're blaming their partner for the latter's legitimate feelings (all feelings are valid) instead of taking responsibility for what they did that resulted in their partner's hurt feelings. A genuine apology would be: "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."

Much better than deflecting the blame for the hurt feelings from themselves to their partner is to take responsibility for their own behavior. They can then make the needed amends to repair the relationship.

Three Parts to a Good Apology
The first requirement for a good apology is that its giver should feel true remorse for their behavior and empathy for the hurt person.

Next, the person should apologize, for example, by saying, "I'm sorry for having told Jim about your medical condition that you said you wanted to keep private. I'll be more careful about keeping a secret when you ask me to." This apology is strengthened by its giver assuring the receiver that they'll behave differently in the future if a similar situation arises.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, an effective apology requires that the person who has resolved to behave differently will do so when a similar situation may arise. A meaningful apology results in improved behavior in the future.

Sincere Apologies Strengthen Relationships
A heartfelt apology fosters emotional closeness. The one who apologizes shows empathy. The receiver feels respected, valued, and loved. In a healthy relationship, forgiveness is likely to occur, and the partners will restore trust.

Real Solutions for Intimacy, Trust, & Teamwork

Please contact me if you're interested in further information about these postings or my professional services, which now include telephone therapy and online therapy.

Warmly,
Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW 415-491-4801

1050 Northgate Drive, Suite 480, San Rafael, CA 94903
mnaomiberger(at)gmail(dot)com

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Approved for C.E. credits in New York and many other states, alas not California. To compensate, the host organization is offering the webinar almost free for California therapists who register using the code: CAMarriage. The knowledge you'll gain is priceless!

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Thank you, Linda Bloom, Menucha Ferris, Adrian Freed, Jon Krotinger, Phyllis Levy, Vicki Prusnovsky, Arlyn Serber, and Peggy Strong for your comments on February's featured article, "An Easy Way You Can Show Love."

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