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This the desktop picture I look at when I am feeling overwhelmed.
I've looked at it a lot this week.
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Feb 23, 2021
1) I must write in lists when I feel overwhelmed, as well.
2) I set aside powering through the audio version of Andre Leon Talley's book The Chiffon Trenches, for the treat of writing to you tonight. More to come on that later, maybe. I am very sad he may be getting evicted from his nice house. If he could just be allowed to stay there because he is fabulous and succeeded against all odds, I would prefer that. Thx, whoever is trying to evict him.
3) I've cried an extra lot this week. Pressure of tax prep time + Dad's death anniversary + taking some healthy risks to grow and that feels skurry + big relationship changes and mutings and mysteries + when I saw the news of Tiger's car crash I thought we were headed to another Kobe situation (both so very very very complicated) + I miss my original family terribly/today was my oldest nephews' 4 year-old birthday + for a while in the pandemic I felt too unplugged and far from purpose and I did what I do and let's just say I PLUGGED IN REAL QUICK TO COMMITTING TO A LOT.
And I am tired. And I think I shouldn't be tired. And I am so tired of thinking I shouldn't be tired. And I am too healthy to get a vaccine in California yet. And I don't want anyone I love to die. And I fricking hate the absolute heck out of Rush Limbaugh and haven't found an ounce of just regular human grief for him. So sick of those who carelessly spew hatred. And, then I am one of them, just like that.
Back to the list, this has gotten way too off-road for where I'm at, even though there's more. Oh, and accepting slowly but surely that antiracism work is for generations far beyond what I'll live to see. And why must our Asian brothers and sisters now also be hate-targeted? Enough, hateful hatey people!! Stop it, keep your hands and arms inside of your own roller coaster car!! Work it out not through hurting others, I beg you!!
Well, I'm assuming no one who abuses other people would read this newsletter but maybe forward this to any abusers you know of. #kiddingnotkidding
4) I want to adopt a rescue dog. And the place I currently live doesn't allow them. I don't want to adopt frivolously, especially after the shame of giving up my 2 rescue cats to move into OneTaste back at the time (2005ish? 6? can't remember). My dog biological clock is on like nuts. But I also really really intended to buy myself a wetsuit and boogie board as a Christmas present and I had no doubts and I haven't yet made the purchases and just stopped researching them. I'm walking a dear friend's dog regularly and the same voice that judged me for not helping busy families enough in the pandemic, has now jumped to judging me for only helping this one family. That voice is the eensy weensy spider, it just keeps crawling up the water spout of Standards that keep arriving out of the galldang judgey ethers.
5) Liked songs most recently:
https://open.spotify.com/track/0lWLMR456FAFjlLIEBLzWf?si=qk71x84LQzK0Z5H6kh1qfw
https://open.spotify.com/track/73SLdRn1IbciLWyK4e2d8p?si=7X1Q56GESNSHh6HIGVNI_g
https://open.spotify.com/track/322LgcUL3uhHbpUQP57WUF?si=Ne3jRGH3ThWuaVIJsvF1DQ
https://open.spotify.com/track/7MW0vSCN9g2T5eConVGEsO?si=gwKDsW8OSni_Cz0G45NOPA
https://open.spotify.com/track/2P8kBO7P0SppnEX8gVN3up?si=hqh0UrBSS4e0lCZ2uSGrUQ
https://open.spotify.com/track/0pV7ZNlSXRtleKtlKgnUlF?si=oK83fr_hR56JkAFbUQD7eA
https://open.spotify.com/track/3VFr9JYb6ppsl4yxwerUXq?si=_qnhVvFzSQWcXKWFe98bYQ
https://open.spotify.com/track/5omukHtcJduzkSfOlze4iB?si=t8hvRUE6TLy-CqfT5dGxsg
(PS add to the pressure list that I don't like not giving these artists all a $$ cut, and I can't solve the musical art business injustices, either. In the meantime, I really really love music. It's like when a baby animal is separated from its Mom and a hot water bottle can help sort of regulate its little heartbeat in the meantime. Music is my hot water bottle.
Which adds, PPS, that I can't even fully emotionally handle admitting how terribly desperately I miss dancing in community and to live music. I gave up partner dancing two other times in my life for workaholism. Then I fought through so much to get back to it and I thought I could trust being a lifer. I did not see a pandemic coming galldangit.
PPSS I am now wiping these tears with rough tissues, send help, foreshadowing to the next item.)
6) Confessions. I'm giving up on bamboo toilet paper and recycled tissues. If anyone has suggestions for ecofriendly products that are also soft, I am all ears here. Sorry, environment, my sensitive body tissues are battled wounded and need something more. I thought about trying my own equivalent of a cloth diaper service but I cry way too often to keep up with the laundering. I did make cloth dryer sheets in the pandiemook, a tiny offering. (But then I went ahead and bought real dryer sheets again, mea culpa again, environment.)
7) Will student loans be forgiven? Will Kamala Harris make it through this high-level public service continuing to be healthy and vibrant? Couldn't MailChimp's autocorrect dictionary have been updated to accept Kamala, the name of our amazing first woman, and woman of color no less, Vice President? What should I use for secure online storage since so many people are negatively judging Google Drive now? Is it even called Google Drive anymore? Will my love Jennifer Jenny Brady ever win a Grand Slam? How am I "helping" lately that maybe is not mutually helpful? Who will our next President be? Do I need to hold my breath for the next 4 years in case the Hate Brigade wants to send someone else to say keep people out of this country and that women should just be grabbed by body parts and that tax laws should be "do as I say, not as I do"? Have I been getting bad advice for years now to eat a high protein diet? Am I overcharging my clients? Am I undercharging my clients? Why is it my comfort zone to have so many different notebooks going at once?
If I owe you work, I apologize for the delay.
If I owe you a phone call, I apologize for the delay.
If I owe you an email response, you probably want to go ahead and send again because the pile struggle is real intense.
If I owe you an amends and I haven't yet put two and two together, I apologize for the delay. (Either that or I feared it fell into the category of, unless it would bring harm.)
If you wanted more from me than I could give, I can relate to that.
If I threw too much at you and you felt overwhelmed, I can relate to that.
If you are sad these days, I can relate to that.
If you are grateful to be overall well but bummed that not all other good peeps have it so lucky, I can relate to that.
If you succumbed to purchasing things late at night from a well targeted YouTube or Instagram ad, I've done that too in the 'diemie and I only judge those still promising miracles when miracles are NOT FOR SALE.
If you are dumbfounded at how over 500,000 formerly living, breathing human beings have lost their lives to covid in a really short amount of time, we are not alone.
If you are raging furious at science-denyers, and also want to keep an open mind and not just be sold a bill of status quo goods, isn't it weird and complicated? Can we compare quality news sources?
And so forth.
Love,
Beth
But I did see this in a local parking lot the other day. Yes, those are horses and puppies meeting each other.
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For those of you who read my last blog post about the family drug store, I talked to my aunt! She is 87 and in great shape. I'm so in awe of her.
Anyhoo, the drugstore was in the family a lot longer than I had realized. Her great-grandfather opened the store in the late 1880s. For a while it was a drugstore with no practicing pharmacist, which apparently was a thing back then. He was a doctor and his son was a doctor so those two generations built the original Crittenden's Drugstore.
Then it moved one town over in the 1930's and the family lived upstairs from the store. (I definitely relate to that...I have always been a candidate to sleep right at work to not waste any commute time.) (Oh, I literally just realized I actually do that now. heehee, hi to my bed, right across the room!)
Oh Life, what a ride you are ~
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