Marriage Maven's News & Views
Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW April 2021 Vol.7 No.4
Enlightened Self-Interest—What a Concept!
At a social gathering party attended by many therapists some time ago, I overheard one of them explain why a colleague's marriage ended. The person he mentioned was a psychoanalyst whom I knew only slightly.
My ears perked up, waiting for the answer. Still single, I'd unknowingly begun a quest to learn why some marriages last and stay loving and others do not.
"It was doomed," I overheard the therapist say. "They each did their own laundry."
Is Doing Just Your Own Laundry Selfish?
Is that selfish? I wondered, mystified. Doing laundry separately?
No, I wouldn't call that selfish. Not now, anyway. There's way more to what makes a good marriage than who does whose laundry. Implying that behaving independently—whether by doing only one's own laundry or in some another way is selfish—sounds senselessly judgmental.
No one likes to be called selfish, yet it's easy to point the finger at any of us when we act according to our self-interest. I'll assume that my colleague found it in his interest to do his laundry and no one else's. Most likely, some other factor(s) than that one caused his marriage to end.
Selfishness vs. Enlightened Self-Interest
Yet if we don't sometimes take care to meet our individual needs, the relationship will falter. Examples of personal needs include dietary requirements, exercise routines, classes, alone-time, visiting friends and family members, etcetera.
This brings us to the concept of Enlightened Self-interest, a term that has gained traction lately. It relates to what I think of as a balancing act that assures that both partners' needs get met in a way that keeps their relationship thriving.
Marriage as a Braid
I've known my dear friend Amy since we were in the seventh grade in Rockaway, New York. We became roommates at the University of Michigan's School of Social Work. After I began my career in San Francisco and she started hers in Manhattan, we often exchanged letters.
After Amy married Michael, I told her I was afraid of losing my identity as a separate person if I got married. She responded in a way I remember well even now that I've been married for nearly thirty-three years.
Amy wrote something like this: "I think of my marriage as a braid. One strand represents me, another symbolizes Michael, and the third one stands for our relationship.
Ah! So, we
can keep our separate identities and also create a good marriage. Almost like a see-saw, sometimes one spouse puts energy into meeting her or his self-interests and other times puts theirs aside to satisfy a need of their partner.
We Benefit by Contributing Meaningfully to Another's Life
Typically, making their partner's needs a priority turns out to be more gratifying for both spouses than a what's-in-it-for-me mentality. As author Linda Bloom, LCSW, puts it: "We are all wired to receive jolts of pleasure when we make a meaningful contribution to others' lives.
The "braid" idea can also apply to interacting with friends, family members, coworkers, and others. While staying aware of our wants and needs, we can also feed the relationship by focusing on what's important to the other person.
How do Amy and Michael do this? Amy loves to travel, and Michael is a homebody. Instead of trying to convince each other to act against their nature, they live and let live. Amy takes an occasional trip to Europe, South America, the Far East, or somewhere in the USA with a woman friend. Meanwhile, Michael stays put. He enjoys relaxing and practicing karate daily in the country home they moved to in upstate New York some time ago.
Does Michael resent Amy for leaving him alone while she travels? He may miss her when she's gone, but overall, he satisfies his self-interest. He knows the truth of the saying: Happy wife; happy life!
A Relationship Can Seem Like a Balancing Act
As noted above, a good relationship can feel like a balancing act. However, partners who regularly weigh and measure who's contributing how much time, attention, chores, or favors aren't helping their relationship. But if one person begins to resent that they've been giving much more than the other, they should seek to restore the balance. They can do this by asking for what they need, negotiate to create solutions that satisfy both people.
Enlightened Self-Interest Strengthens Relationships
Enlightened self-interest means knowing that we strengthen our connection by caring to satisfy the other's wants and needs. It can look like: one gives extra; consequently, the other gives extra, and so on. The goodwill generated spirals upward, with each of us wanting to further the other's well-being. Both partners feel loved, and the relationship thrives.
~~~
Above Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash
Update from Amy
I recently sent Amy the above article, which includes her thoughts about marriage a long time ago. Here's her response:
My comments to you (as a younger me) about keeping one's independence/identity in marriage look pretty wise all these years later. I had always been intrigued by the image of DNA which is braided and that may have influenced my choice of words at the time.
As individuals in a marriage, we naturally have different beliefs, interests, and perspectives. We have to know when not to sacrifice them because they form our essence. If we always subvert our needs to another person, nobody wins in the end.
Of course, we learn that there are times when we have to compromise for the good of the relationship or if we are facing a situation where one person's needs have to be placed over the other's needs at the time. It is not an easy balancing act as anyone in a relationship knows.
Real Solutions for Intimacy, Trust, and Teamwork
M
