This morning I was reading my devotional, and it asked this seemingly simple question "Why is it easier to think toxic thoughts than it is to focus our minds on the truth?" The more I prayed and meditated on this question; I realized that I couldn't answer it because negative self-talk and toxic thinking became normal. My mind has become comfortable with the negative narrative I create about myself that I stopped noticing the toxicity of the words I speak to myself in the silent conversations hidden between the walls of my brain.
Additionally, I realized that this happens when my life is chaotic and imbalanced. When structure, discipline, and routine are a challenge. I become susceptible to negativity and toxic thinking. They reinforce my fears, insecurities, self-doubt, and limiting beliefs holding me captive. I'm stuck, incapable of moving forward, and left stagnant as I tumble into a downward spiral.
And this is the current season that I find myself in. I'm burnt out, tired, bewildered, and easily overwhelmed by everything, making it difficult to be productive, follow a routine, or keep up with daily habits. I've become a zombie that goes through the motions. In addition to this season of imbalance, negative self-talk and toxic thinking have slipped in uninvited.
I condemn myself as a failure when I'm too mentally and physically tired to accomplish everything. Subtle whispers that I'm lazy, and a failure drives me to push myself beyond my limits, increasing my exhaustion. I get angry and ashamed that my normal routines are too much, and I have to scale back. The person who can multi-task and juggle multiple projects can barely complete one project and has to focus on one task, one project at a time. So I beat myself up and say horrible things to myself.
The more I prayed about this and poured my heart out about how I can break free from this negative cycle; two words kept popping up grace and mercy. I need to extend grace and mercy towards myself because I can't force myself out of a depressive episode. I can't muscle my way through this.
I can take it one step at a time and work towards re-creating the balance and structure that I need. One day at a time. One habit at a time. To begin focusing on the actions and tasks that create consistency, discipline, and structure. I'm resilient, and I have the systems, but during these times, I need to adjust, adapt and allow them to fit what I need right now at this moment. There's nothing wrong with being flexible and doing what I need to improve my mental and emotional health.
Grace and mercy remind me that I'm going to mess up and need to forgive myself quickly and learn what I can. Each misstep, each slip up is an opportunity to learn and grow. To make the changes and improvements necessary to break through and reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
Grace and mercy allow me to celebrate the small wins and victories no matter how silly or insignificant. These little things are steps that bring me closer to my goals. They're the stepping stones that direct my path across the wild rapids of life that threaten to overtake me.
Above all else, grace and mercy teach me that I have to guard my mind and heart. I have to take every negative, toxic thought and challenge it. To bring it under submission and replace it with the truth. And to learn that negativity begins in my heart and pours outward into others. It shows up in conversations when I'm judgmental and critical of others. That every time I'm selfish and thoughtless, I'm hurting myself more than others. I'm not living to my highest potential and being the change I want to see in the world.
Grace and mercy are the salves that will heal me and guide me through helping me find my way back to myself. Remember the joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control that embodies who I am and who I'm called to be.
Maybe you can relate because you struggle with this too. Perhaps you're pushing yourself to do and be something that you can't right now because your mind is telling you to slow down, but you're rebelling. I encourage you to stop and listen and slow down. Go easy on yourself; do what you can and what your body and mind allow you to do if it's one thing, two things, or three things. It's all good. Instead of condemning yourself, shift your perspective. Search for opportunities to learn, evolve, improve, heal, restore, and rest. Reject the negative self-talk and toxic thinking. Instead, challenge it and get to the root cause and heal.
These difficulties come and go one minute you're on the mountaintop, the next in the valley. It's part of life and living in a fractured, broken world. We're going to fall and make mistakes and have to get up and rebuild repeatedly. But remember to be gentle with yourself, bathing yourself in grace and mercy because the only way out is through.
xoxo,
Kat H.
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