It’s a Monday night, 15 months into the pandemic and dozens of exhausted, middle-aged adults have logged in to Zoom to hear me interview Julie Lythcott-Haims talk about her new book Your Turn: How to be an Adult. (I am profoundly aware that my presence is de trop in this scenario.) Most of us are tuning in because, while we have been adults for a couple of decades, we are eager to learn from Julie how best to support the young people in our lives who are just starting their journey into adulthood.
As we dove into Julie’s book, both an honest depiction of her own winding path through adulthood and a how-to for those young people early on the path, Julie’s energy became contagious to the tired masses soaking up her wisdom. Her articulate answers, both tools for supporting the young adults we care for and techniques for allowing their independence, came fast and furious. As we all listened to Julie, I could see the faces on the screen start to light up, smiling and nodding (and maybe a little teary) along with her spot-on anecdotes. The chat began to fill with comments from people who felt comforted and empowered by her guidance, no longer alone in our struggles to both step forward to support our kids and step away from them in order to foster their independence.
I was so engrossed in what Julie was telling us that, to be honest, I forgot to take notes. So what follows is the result of a 44-year-old brain on a yearlong pandemic — foggy, patchy and full of holes. And anyway, you should watch the talk here because I got dressed up (including shaving my legs which you cannot see on the Zoom) and you should buy her book because you (and the young adults you love) will find it incredibly helpful.
Here are some of my favorite nuggets from Julie:
- “This is not the Westminster Dog Show.” Kids are often treated as an extension of the adults who raise them, but who they are and what they become is not actually a reflection on us as their caregivers, for good and for bad. As Julie says, we are not raising kids in order to receive a medal at the end of the competition or for the bumper sticker on our cars. We are raising them to become happy, fulfilled adults who can stand on their own two feet.
- “Make sure they know we believe they can do it.” The temptation is to fix things for the kids we love, to run ahead of them and clear the obstacles out of their way or clean up the messes they leave behind. However, they will never learn to manage their anxieties or their screw-ups if we are always protecting them from those difficulties. Better that we empathize with them so they don’t feel alone and empower their independence by letting them know we believe in their ability to navigate a tough situation.
- “Parent the child you have, not the one you wish you had.” One of the hardest things about raising kids is accepting that they are never going to be what we imagined they would be. They may disappoint us or just turn out differently than we pictured, they may have big challenges: physically, emotionally or academically, or they may just choose a different path through life. The sooner we accept who our kids are, the more we can support them and the happier we will all be.
- “Acts of kindness can re-pattern family dynamics.” For people of all ages and stages, family dynamics can feel like an immovable force, something we can’t change no matter how old we get or how far away (or close) we live. When I asked Julie how we can break unhealthy family dynamics, she had one word: kindness. She shared stories from her own family of being the recipient and the bearer of kindness and in all cases, that one critical ingredient help shift her family into gear and re-pattern their hurts and challenging behavior.
- “Take a one-week cleanse.” Caring for kids, especially teens, can sometimes feel like one long exercise in nagging and it is SUCH A DRAG. It makes us and the kids feel like crap and puts everyone in a bad mood. Julie suggested going on a one-week cleanse to interrupt the nagging and give everyone a little space to breathe. My biggest issue is my kids’ rooms — I can’t bear when their rooms are messy, but it doesn’t bother them. It is a constant struggle that doesn't necessarily have one right answer. Weirdly the morning after Julie's talk (in the way kids seem to read our minds) my oldest turned to me and said: “Mom, don’t go in my room today. It’s a mess and it will upset you. I will take care of it tonight.” And there he was, one step closer to adulthood.
Let’s be realistic, we are not going to be able to institute all of Julie’s suggestions in one fell swoop. Nor should we. My goal is to take on one of these five and work on it in the coming weeks. Since I’m often a fixer, I’ve picked number two: “Make sure they know we believe they can do it.” My goal each day is to empower my kids to handle a new or challenging task. I’ll be available to help trouble-shoot, strategize and empathize but I’m not going to take it on. I’m also going to firmly shut my mouth (no easy task) because they may choose to do it differently than I might have.
Let me know which nugget you’re going to take on board. If we want our teens and young adults to function without us, we (and they) need to start somewhere and practice, practice, practice.
