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Karen, a mom in our Leadership Training Lab Series for parents shared the experience she had with her family in selecting five values that were most important to them.
Identifying core values is the first step in drafting a family Strategy that sets an intention for our daily actions and interactions. The selection process is meant to be an inclusive and intentional opportunity to explore what’s individually and collectively important to the family.
Which values you choose is less important than how you choose them. Engaging in conversations in which each member of the family participates and in which we, as parents, listen thoughtfully and acknowledge what's important to our kids proves to be a powerful experience in most families.
Karen shared that in her family of four, which includes her husband Dennis, son Zack, 14 and daughter Zoe, 16, finding consensus on the first four values was fairly easy. After reflecting and discussing the meaning of each value, they all agreed that Teamwork, Learning, Integrity, and Perseverance reflected what they valued most.
But they disagreed on the fifth.
Mom, Dad and Zoe wanted Work Ethic. Zack wanted Fun. Or Adventure. He was willing to be flexible. Over the next two weeks, the family debated the importance of work vs fun. The dinner conversations were engaging and spirited. They learned a lot about one another and drew closer as a result.
But in the end, Zack was outvoted and the family chose Work Ethic. The family posted the agreed upon values on the fridge and moved on to completing their family Strategy and to identifying the ways they would reflect their values in their daily, monthly, and yearly actions and interactions.
Zack elected, as is recommended in this process, to select Fun and Adventure as two of his personal values.
Prior to this discussion, performance and achievement had been the default vision in their family — which is common in college prep communities. Given the values they selected, they soon discovered that nearly all actions and interactions they chose to reflect their values were centered solely on the work necessary to perform and achieve above all else.
They also acknowledged that the accompanying stress levels were high for everyone — except Zack.
Zack was an avid mountain biker. He moved efficiently through his work to make time for fun and adventure. In addition to the joy he experienced from riding himself, he enjoyed teaching kids in the neighborhood to ride and to experience the joy that comes from riding on the local mountain trails.
And yet, despite the time he made for fun and adventure, he was able to do well in school, get plenty of sleep, and experience relatively low levels of stress and anxiety.
Observing this, the rest of the family came to see the value and importance of embedding fun and adventure into daily life.. As they added activities that brought them joy, stress levels dropped, relationships improved, and their work became more efficient and purposeful. The shift was reflected in their decision to adopt fun as a core value in the family.
Karen reported that the reflections, the discussions, and the strategic and tactical planning shifted her family's day to day experiences in powerfully positive ways. In the midst of working hard, she shared, the family was experiencing less stress and enjoying each other and enjoying life more.
Deferring happiness as a path to success is a common choice in many families, but one that hundreds of studies confirm is not effective.
What about your family? Is there room to be more intentional about this process and to add more fun and adventure to your daily life?
The invitation is open.
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