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Hey you,

How have you been? It's been a while since we last spoke. I am writing to you from the comfort of my couch. I hope that you are somewhere comfortable as well. If you are on your phone it might be good to check if you see my entire letter. There is so much to say and I would not want us to miss anything. I already miss so many things and I am sure you do as well, it keeps me up at night sometimes.

Some nights I don't sleep at all I lay awake with my eyes closed and I think. I think about all the time I thought we would have. Now, all there is left is it turning from black to red. Now all there is left is whispers in my head, whispers that I am so far from you. Too far from you. I remind myself of your embrace and I paint pictures with my mind of your face. I don't forget, it never fades.  Yet I am so far from you, too far from you in this pandemic maze. And it is the rival within that makes you slip away, you slip away and I stay, I always stay. Even after all this time I still can't shake it that I lost myself and that I faded. I wonder if you forgot about me, the sound of my voice, the softness of my skin and the warmth of my heart. I faded too far from you and you faded so far from me. It is the rival within that makes me slip away, so I write us down with numbers and nouns, timed to perfection. As a memory that brings back memories of bodies in space. 

Let's run away together in the space of text where the text performs and we gaze. I am never too far from you and you are never far from me, so stay with me darling as I guide you through this performance called The Red Zone. 



[00:00]
she is on the stage 

[00:02]
the music starts 

[00:02]
she starts her solo

[00:03]
she moves I wait 

[00:04]
she moves I wait 

[00:05]
she moves I wait 

[00:06]
she moves I wait 

[00:07]
she moves I wait 

[00:08]
she moves I wait 

[00:09]
she moves I wait 

[00:010]
she moves I wait 

[00:11]
she moves I wait 

[00:12]
she moves I wait 

[00:13]
she moves I wait 

[00:14]
she moves I wait 

[00:15]
I think my lines

[00:40]
I move my sleeves 

[00:41]
she moves I wait 

[01:02]
I move closer 

[01:15]
It's almost time 

[01:16]
she moves I wait 

[01:40]
I move my hands 

[01:45]
her solo end and her combo starts 

[02:33]
I am on the stage 
 

[03:33]
I start my script 
noun; a written text of a play, film, or broadcast.
 




"Can I blackout into the blue accents of your eyes"


And see

See what they see 

Feel what they feel

 

I wanna see the world 

that all I ever wanted 

All I ever wanted 

 

I have so much potential, strengths and desires

Burning fires

So many fires, that are washed away by the blue accents of your eyes





 

*
 

Oh how they trap me, those eyes 
 

*


 


 

I am on this side of the accent

On this side of the world

Imprinted, forever visibly invisible 
 

Unwelcome 

Forgotten 

Ignored 

 

Too rough and seen as deep

While the fact is, I will never be deep enough

 

You never see what I see

Feel what I feel 

Fear, sadness, anger

 

And tears

 

Tears for those who I have learned to never forget

And Tears for how you did

How you did forget

 

How you blacked them out with the blue accents of your eyes

Never making the invisible visible 

 

But "can I please blackout into the blue accents of your eyes?" 

So that I can see what you see

Feel what you feel 

So that I can be,  free  —





 

[05:03]
she ends her combo 

[05:03]
I stop my script

[05:04]
I gaze 

[05:04]
she gazes

[05:05]
we gaze

[05:06]
we gaze

[05:07]
we gaze

[05:08]
we gaze

[05:09]
I blink my eyes

[05:10]
she does the same 

[05:30]
we gaze

[05:30]
I swallow

[05:45]
I continue my script 
noun; handwriting as distinct from print; written characters.





"Can I please blackout into the blue accents of your eyes?" 

 

In return, I will show you the world, the real one

Which is rough and deep and beautiful

Oh so beautiful 

 

You have no idea and you never will 

Unless your white out into the brown accents of my eyes

 

Whiteout into the brown accents of my eyes and I will show you the world

The real one




 

*                                                                  

Where you are you and I am me

Where you are you and I am me 

*                                                                 




 

And if you leave me here in your version of the world 

Leave me here, for I will never be alone

I am never alone

Only in the blue accents of eyes

 

They are the ones who decided on these lies where you and I

You and I can never fully be side by side 

Always In a fight

 

For potential strength and desires 

Leaving each other in fires

 

But if you 

If you dare and you

white out into the brown accents of my eyes and see

Do you know what you will see? 

 

My reflection of you

And your reflection of me

With no hesitation 

Visibly invincible

 

blue and brown accents meet 

Aiming right for the heart 

 

and what was blue and brown will be grey

Not forever but maybe always 


 

[07:16]
my script ends

[07:16]
she starts to pose 

[07:16]
I start to pose 

[07:17]
pose

[07:18]
pose

[07:20]
pose

[07:21]
pose

[07:22]
my mind wonders 




*
*
*
*
*
*
*

 

[07:25]
I see no audience 
noun; perceive with the eyes; discern visually.


[07:30]
I hear no audience 
noun; perceive with the ear the sound made by (someone or something).


[07:25]
I see no audience 
noun; discern or deduce after reflection or from information; understand.


[07:30]
does she know? 


[07:31]
that only I can see her?
noun; belonging to or associated with a female person or animal previously mentioned or easily identified.


[07:31]
that only she can see me?
noun; used by a speaker to refer to themselves or themself as the object of a verb or preposition.


*
*
*
*
*
*
*


[09:40]
she stops posing

[09:41]
I stop posing

[09:43]
we leave the stage 

 
We have reached the end of the numbers and nouns, timed to perfection. We never fade even if you are so far from me and I am too far from you. I stay, I always stay. Waiting for the time we can embrace each other again. Until then, I will continue to picture your face. I miss you darling and I wish you all the best.

Please take care and stay safe.


From the oh so far from me to the oh too far from you, 
 

Sarafina Paulina Bonita (they/them) is a queer, Dutch-Surinamese, non-binary performance artist who works with audio and text. Sarafina creates performances and poetry from an intersectional approach that focuses on the experience of otherness. In their work, they question the construction of gender, the difference between the perceived and constructed feminine and masculine, and the affects of religion and heritage. They believe that through creating art, important stories are told, communities uplifted and joy shared.
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