Marriage Maven's News & Views
Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW June 2021 Vol.7 No.6
Do Your Words Come from Your Heart?
Sweet talk, talk from our hearts may come easy when we feel loving toward our romantic partner. But how about at other times, like when we seem to be at odds with each other?
Even the best relationships have ups and downs. Two people, no matter how compatible, will sometimes disagree. The challenge is to differ while remaining friends, not to implement the "hate" word in the song, "Turn! Turn!Turn!" which concludes:
"A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late."
Spouses who grew up in homes with adults who sometimes demeaned each other, who did not fight fairly, may expect similar behaviors in their adult intimate relationships. Whether or not we believe it's possible, I think we'd all be happier with more peaceful, loving times and fewer or none of the other kind with our partner.
How to achieve this seemingly idyllic kind of relationship? As we say to children who act out their frustrations via aggression or withdrawal: "Use your words." This doesn't mean using profane or nasty language. It means saying matter-of-factly how we feel, what we don't like, and what we'd want to be different.
Changing a Complaint into a Wish
For example, a husband doesn't like it when his wife criticizes him in front of their friends. He can make this a time for hate by complaining to her with their children present about what a mean, insensitive person she is.
Instead, he can make it a time for love by speaking to her privately. He can say something respectfully like, I felt hurt and betrayed when you dissed me in front of Kim and Juan. If you have a complaint about me, please tell me privately."
Words are powerful. And our voice tone, volume, and body language say even more to the listener than our words. "Words from the heart enter the heart" is an essential teaching that can take some self-control to implement.
"Do not rebuke your fellow when there is hatred in your heart" is another wise practice. It can feel so tempting to lash out impulsively when we feel hurt or angry.
Putting Our Brain in Charge
Yet if we can step back for a bit and put our brain in charge, we can probably find our way to speak from our heart in a way that reaches out to connect with our beloved instead of driving them away by eroding their self-respect.
For more support to put these ideas into practice, consider consulting a therapist, counselor, or a wise friend or mentor. If you think it's too late to repair the damage from past ways of relating to each other, remember that the same song tells us about a time for peace and states: "I swear it's not too late."
~~~
Above Photo by Dhaya Eddine Bentaleb on Unsplash
Coming Soon!
Marriage Minded: An A to Z Dating Guide for Lasting Love
 Any woman who wants to marry can . . . once she learns how. Marriage Minded's A to Z format, packed with warmth, wisdom, and humor, makes the process fun and informative. You will learn how to overcome obstacles, meet men, and date constructively; you'll read about single women of all ages who became happily married.
Marriage Minded is a sensitive guide to creating the lasting, loving union you've always wanted, one that fulfills you emotionally, spiritually, physically, and materially. This book is written with women in mind, yet anyone can apply its practical communication and relationship tips. You can preorder Marriage Minded now.
Real Solutions for Intimacy, Trust, and Teamwork
 
Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You've Always Wanted is a concise, practical guide for increasing romance, intimacy, teamwork, and smoother resolution of issues. It's for long-married, newlywed, and engaged couples, and for marriage-minded singles and anyone who wants great relationship skills. Available at New World Library, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or independent bookstores. You can get the audiobook for free here.
 Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW, an experienced psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She integrates various approaches, including family systems, cognitive-behavioral, and psychodynamic methods to help people gain more fulfilling relationships with themselves and others.
Please contact me if you're interested in further information about these postings or my professional services, which now include telephone therapy and online therapy.
Warmly,
Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW 415-491-4801
1050 Northgate Drive, Suite 480, San Rafael, CA 94903
mnaomiberger(at)gmail(dot)com
Marriage Meeting Webinar
This new two-hour continuing education program for therapists features Marcia Naomi Berger, explaining how therapists can show couples how to hold marriage meetings, and how to lead marriage meeting workshops. All are welcome to Register here and enter the coupon code Marriage for a 50% discount.
Approved for C.E. credits in New York and many other states, alas not California. To compensate, the host organization is offering the webinar almost free for California therapists who register using the code: CAMarriage. The knowledge you'll gain is priceless!
Other Services
Therapy and Counseling for individuals and couples. More information here.
Workshops
For couples, “Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love”; for single women, “Marry with Confidence.”
Presentations
Communication tips, Relationship and Marriage Success
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Thank you, Linda Bloom, Menucha Ferris, Sandy Gilford, Phyllis Levy, Ken Roman, and Arlyn Serber, for your comments on May's featured article, "Boost Your Relationship: Use the 80/20 Rule" |
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