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Marriage Maven's News & Views

  Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW   May 2021 Vol.7 No.5

 

Boost Your Relationship: Use the 80/20 Rule! 

It's not unusual for couples to begin therapy by blaming and complaining about each other. Each hopes the therapist will inspire their partner to change.  

So I was pleasantly surprised when Kyla asked to see me alone before starting couple therapy. She said she wanted to understand how she might be contributing to the unhappy state of their marriage. 

Wow, I thought. Kyla's taking responsibility for her behavior instead of criticizing her husband Eric for their issues.  

Kyla had three private sessions with me. Between each one, she put what she'd learned into practice. She refrained from trying to discipline her stepson Brandon and left that for her husband. She encouraged her husband to intervene when Brandon could use some direction. And she stopped arguing with Eric when he'd been drinking. 

Kyla also began scheduling weekly dates with Eric. She made sure to give compliments to him and her step-son, noticing when they behaved in ways she liked.
 
Although I suggested Alanon, Kyla wasn't ready for that. She learned that she couldn't control Eric's drinking; that had to be his decision. Now she left him alone about that. Introducing Alanon was planting a seed, something she might choose to pick up on later.  

Kyla reported happy results from simple changes she made. I was impressed how quickly she dropped old self-sabotaging habits and began developing new more constructive ones, including more self-care. 
 
The 80-20 Rule
My friend, Tanya, told me about the 80/20 rule around that time. Kyla applied this idea by putting way more energy into changing herself than in trying to change her husband.

Tanya's therapist told her about the 80/20 rule. It goes like this: If you're feeling annoyed about how your partner (or someone else) is disappointing you, you might struggle to try to get them to change. But your relationship will benefit more if you put 80% of your energy into changing how you respond and no more than 20% into trying to convince someone to act differently.

Everyone is Annoying
Rabbi Yosef Richards put it bluntly: "Everyone is annoying. So find the person who annoys you the least and marry that one," he quipped.

 Although 80/20 may feel like a big stretch, 50/50 can be a good start. It helps to know that we, too, can be annoying. I recently put some version of the 80/20 rule into practice in my marriage. I was about to grumble to my husband David for bringing home from the market, again, something different from what I'd specifically asked for. 
 
Then I switched gears and said, "You're no more annoying than I am." He got it, and we both grinned. I know that I, too, can be annoying. An example: too often, I do just one more thing, and then another, before we're about to go out, so I'm late and he's left waiting for me. I'm working on this.  

Back to Kyla and Eric 
After Kyla's three private sessions, she and Eric had two couple therapy sessions with me. I could see that their relationship had already improved a lot before they saw me together because of changes Kyla had made on her own. 

Eric told me about his demanding, high-power job with a company he liked. He mentioned the stresses of overseeing the care of his mother, who had dementia, and his other family obligations.

Both wanted to learn how to hold a marriage meeting, and there was just enough time to walk them through the first part: Appreciation. After the exchange of compliments given as "I-Statements," both seemed delighted.

I briefly told them about the next three parts of a marriage meeting and responded to Eric's question about how much time to spend on each agenda topic. As the session ended, Kyla smiled and clapped her hands. 

During their second session, they reported having enjoyed two dates with each other. They also held their own version of a marriage meeting, which focused only on Appreciation. "We'll let you know," they said about possibly scheduling more sessions.  

 "Happy wife; happy life," I thought. Kyla and Eric were well-matched but had let their relationship falter mainly because of Eric's outside pressures consuming his energy. Kyla probably felt unloved. Eric's appreciation was something she needed to hear regularly. 

Love is a verb. We express it by actions like spending quality time together on dates, saying words of endearment, and in other ways. As Kyla's example shows, by implementing the 80/20 rule, we go a long way toward fostering love. 

Most of us can get better at practicing the 80/20 rule. Practice is the keyword. Because, like any exercise, the more we do it, the more we'll improve.


~~~
Above Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash

 
Real Solutions for Intimacy, Trust, and Teamwork
 
               

Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You've Always Wanted is a concise, practical guide for increasing romance, intimacy, teamwork, and smoother resolution of issues. It's for long-married, newlywed, and engaged couples, and for marriage-minded singles and anyone who wants great relationship skills. 
Available at New World Library, AmazonBarnes and Noble, or independent bookstores. You can get the audiobook for free here.


Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW, an experienced psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She integrates various approaches, including family systems, cognitive-behavioral, and psychodynamic methods to help people gain more fulfilling relationships with themselves and others. 

Please contact me if you're interested in further information about these postings or my professional services, which now include telephone therapy and online therapy.  

Warmly,
Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW        415-491-4801


1050 Northgate Drive, Suite 480, San Rafael, CA 94903
mnaomiberger(at)gmail(dot)com

                                            

Class for Therapists — All Welcome

Marriage Meeting Webinar 
This new two-hour continuing education program for therapists features Marcia Naomi Berger, explaining how therapists can show couples how to hold marriage meetings, and how to lead marriage meeting workshops. All are welcome to Register here and enter the coupon code Marriage for a 50% discount.

Approved for C.E. credits in New York and many other states, alas not California. To compensate, the host organization is offering the webinar almost free for California therapists who register using the code: CAMarriage. The knowledge you'll gain is priceless! 

 

Other Services 

Therapy and Counseling for individuals and couples. More information here

Workshops
For couples, “Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love”; for single women, “Marry with Confidence.” 

Presentations 
Communication tips, Relationship and Marriage  Success

 

 I love hearing from you. Your comments keep me going!  
 Thank you, Adrian Fried, Elyse Julius, Susan Keller, Phyllis Levy, Dorie Rosenberg,   and Arlyn Serber, for your comments on April's featured article, "Enlightened Self-   Interest—What a Concept!"


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Marcia Naomi Berger · 1050 Northgate Drive, Suite 480 · San Rafael, CA 94903 · USA

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