Life isn't fair. No one really tells you that. Mostly people talk about how unfair things are and how they will 'fight for justice' and make it fair. Don't get me wrong. I agree with fighting for justice. However, do you remember anyone telling you when you were a kid that life wasn't going to necessarily be fair? That you could expect that some things wouldn't go well and that when those things happen.....which they will....it will help you to build resilience? I wish I had been told that. I wish that someone had said to me that people will die and life will be uncertain. Things feel particularly uncertain right now during this pandemic but, actually, it has always been uncertain. I wish someone had said "You're right, it's not fair. And it's ok to feel sad and angry and hurt about that and fight for it to get better if you choose. " I wish they had told me that "Life isn't always going to be fair and I think it will be easier if you can expect that." "Our friend Mr Smith didn't expect to break his back and become a parapalegic or your Aunt, Jane Doe, didn't expect to not be able to have children" etc I'm not suggesting to raise children to be cynical and full of negativity and dread, however, I think we protect them from reality to the point of denial. The practical reality that hard things happen and that resilient attitudes help you cope is helpful for preparing for life. However, it's never too late to learn this concept. I think that the people that know that they could've been any of the statistics this year of people who lost jobs from Covid or lived alone or couldn't see a loved one because of the restrictions and thought "Why NOT me?", they will fair better than the ones who have bought into the myth that if they just 'did it right' they wouldn't be in this situation.
Let me introduce you to Jaqueline Subarido....
Jacqueline is a woman who was headed for a hugely "successful life". She was an A+ student and a beauty pageant queen who in 1999 was in a car accident that melted her face and caused burns to 60% of her body before the First Responders were able to get her out of the car. Jacqueline had more than 120 reconstructive surgeries to help her with her sight, smell, hand movements (she had her fingers amputated) etc. However, her attitude when interviewed was one of resilience. When she was asked how she managed to have the attitude she had after her accident she said "My father gave me a rule. He said "Every day, for the rest of your life, you will have sadness, anger, fear and envy as a result of this accident. You can take 45 mins to an hour every day to grieve, feel sorry for yourself, get angry etc etc. And then I want you to stop and be mindful of what you want the day to be. What you want to remember and look back on. Because even though you have a right to feel all of these things, you don't want to have this be all that you look back on. You want to look back on the joyful memories you create and the positive relationships that you have and the positive impact you can have in the world. To do that you have to remember that others have their perspective and shouldn't have to compete with your circumstances to be seen and heard." Jacqueline went on to be the face of Anti-Drunk driving campaigns.
Why am I telling you this story? Because we have a lot to learn from Jacqueline during this never ending stress of the Covid pandemic. We have a right to acknowledge our grief and frustration about how it is impacting on our particular story and situation. Life is uncertain and none of us were probably told or prepared around how to survive through a pandemic. However, we can learn from people who survive well through their own chronic hardships. Her father was so wise to teach her to have her feelings and yet be mindful and thoughtful not to get stuck there. To make sure she compartmentalized them at some point and decided how she was going to spend the day making the day something that she would look back on and be happy to remember. That she has agency about the life she is creating even if she does not have control of the external circumstances that have put her in the situation that she is in.
Which is why I have called this blog post "The Pursuit of (Un) Happiness". We all need to feel our feelings about how Covid is impacting on us and name the truth of this reality (that's the 'Un' part) and then we need to be mindful of how we are going to create happy memories and be grateful for the 'Covid wins' that we can find. It's a both/and, not an either/or. I am not for the concept of 'positive psychology' at the expense of acknowledging someone's hard reality that they live with, however, it isn't helpful to stay stuck in the hard. There is no hope or joy in that....and that is no way for a person to truly live.
So beyond the ideas I have presented in previous blog posts about how to create happiness and resilience within this pandemic, let me introduce the idea of 'comparing down'. This virus is hitting poorer populations much harder than ours. Choosing to 'compare down' helps us to find the gratitude in our lives. We are living in one of the richest countries and we have free health care. We are able to leave our homes and get exercise and buy food to eat. We have a government that is providing monetary support to people who have lost jobs and we have our computers to help us to stay connected. The pandemic in Canada is definitely hard but it is better than a lot of people around the world have it. If you want a dose of reality and to ground yourself in the abundance that we live in read these stats re: "What if the world were a village of 100 people?".
Do the things and reach for the support that makes your spirit come alive. The things that help you to keep moving forward even though it is hard. That is the definition of faith and hope. Some people find it in their religion. Some find it in music. Others in solitude and nature. Check in with yourself after an activity or a visit with someone. Did you feel better and find that you had more energy in your nervous system? Then do more. If not.....try to avoid that activity or person. You will build resilience through this pandemic. That's the ugly gift.
Remembering that we are resilient and we are getting through this helps. Remembering that the vaccines are arriving helps. Keeping faith and hope in your heart helps.
We will get through this!!
Lee
