Giving A Long Runway to Normal

This weekend, I was in the car with my 10-year-old, the philosopher of the family, and he said, “Mom, I feel bad for you because in your mind you’re always wondering, am I being a good parent or not?” I swear that kid can read my mind. My brain is like a dripping tap of pandemic parenting worries. So, in response to his painfully astute comment, I simply said: “You’re right. That’s exactly what’s been going through my mind.” In return, he just gave me a big, self-satisfied smile and kept looking out the car window. 

The internal monologue of so many adults right now sounds something like this: Is my child scarred from this pandemic year? Will my kid be behind everyone else when we emerge? Does my child remember how to make friends? Will my kid know how to handle new experiences? We are all so worried about what the lasting impact of this time might be and on so many levels the answer is -- no one really knows.

Luckily, I was able to get some concrete answers from Dr. Molly Colvin, a friend and Wellesley College classmate. Molly is a clinical psychologist with a PhD in neuroscience who is Director of Mass General’s Learning and Emotional Assessment Program and an Assistant Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School. A few weeks ago we explored what pandemic anxiety and a return to normal life might look like in adults and teens. This time, in a talk to a K-12 school, we explored what a return from pandemic looks like in elementary and preschool kids.

First and foremost, in her wonderfully soothing voice, Molly explained that coming back from the pandemic, for adults and kids alike, involves letting go of “what might have been” had the pandemic not happened. It DID happen and there’s NOTHING we can do about it. Once we accept that simple (or not so simple fact) we can change the expectations and goals for our kids and ourselves going forward. Furthermore, as we look ahead, rather than saddling ourselves with worries about what things will look like two years from now, an inconceivable timeline to kids and an overwhelming timeline for adults, Molly recommends shortening our time frame to a closer horizon. 

In the name of making things more manageable, moving forward also involves naming our feelings about what we have been through during the pandemic. Molly recommended helping our kids name the grief and loss they may be experiencing without dumping (my word not hers) our own pain and anxieties onto them. Even more, she encourages us all to make space for both the joy of returning to normal life (yay!) and the grief we may continue to feel (totally ok). This teaches our kids, as so often happens in life, we need to hold two opposing feelings at the same time.

With some parameters in place -- shortening our time frames, not projecting our anxieties, making room for both joy and grief -- Molly and I moved to the nitty gritty, practical guidance for helping younger kids re-enter life. With older kids, our conversation centered around resilience and how their under-construction brains can actually be useful in developing long lasting coping skills this year. With younger kids, the conversation focused on more concrete strategies, kind of like evenly placed stepping stones on a path. For older kids, the road would be akin to a bumpy road back to normal, navigating the potholes on the journey. The theme for younger kids centered on a metaphor of providing them with a long runway before takeoff, with lots of clear signage and explicit instructions before taking flight.

So what does that long runway look like? In my work these days, I have been describing kids as out-of-shape in every possible way: physically, emotionally, socially and academically. As someone who has gotten herself back in shape after four pregnancies, I don’t believe anyone is irreversibly out of shape, physically or otherwise, but we all need to walk before we can run. We can’t expect kids (or ourselves) to dive back into old activities and seamlessly live at the pace they were living before the pandemic, nor do we necessarily want them to. We need to lay a realistic, empathetic and manageable path for everyone. 

Using the long runway metaphor, if we imagine a plane’s journey from the gate to takeoff there are a series of steps along the way. Here are some of Molly’s suggestions for giving our kids enough time and preparation to gently move them back to normal, daily life:

1. Time to transition. Everyone, kids and adults, needs more time to transition right now. We are used to a slower pace and are not as limber at moving from one activity to another. Previewing transitions for little and big kids will help make shifting gears much easier: In the morning before school it might sound something like: “In 10 minutes we’re going to leave the house, what are the three things you need to do before we go?” 

2. Changing Sleep Patterns. Kids’ anxiety may still be heightened and, as Molly mentioned, she sees that most often through sleep disruption. If kids have been sleeping in their parents’ beds and parents are ready to have kids move back to their own rooms, it’s time to lay the groundwork for that return. Begin to prepare them that things are going to change. “Tonight I’m going to sit with you for 15 minutes before I leave the room. Let’s set the timer together.”

3. Weaning off screen time. If screen time levels have been at a 10 during the pandemic (they have in my house), but you’re normally at a level 3 (at least we aspire to be) this would be the moment to start to reduce screen time. It will give your kids time before the summer to remember what it felt like to be off screens more than they’re on them. This (painful) conversation can sound something like “Now that things are opening up again that means we’re going to cut back on screen time. What do you think would be a fair amount for this weekend?”

4. What was before? We can’t assume younger kids remember what pre-pandemic life looked like. As Molly reminded us, our five and six year olds may have very little memory of what “before” even was, so focusing on that isn’t particularly useful for them. If they are getting on with business as usual, bemoaning in front of them that we “really miss the way things used to be” might feel very confusing.

5. Give them time. Lack of memory applies even to kids’ relationship to loved ones, including grandparents. If younger kids haven’t seen grandparents in a long time, they may not necessarily remember them very well or feel immediately comfortable. Giving kids time and space to acclimate is critical to their comfort and sense of autonomy. Don’t force it. Instead say something like: “Grandma is so excited to see you and has missed you a lot. When you’re ready, you can show her how you’re feeling too.”

6. Be explicit. As masks come off, socializing indoors returns and playdates resume, younger kids may feel very confused about what is safe for them and their families. It’s adults’ job to be very explicit about how things are changing and why. I like the idea of creating drawings or charts so the new rules are really clear. Predictability and structure is critical to kids and we don’t want to pull a fast one, so lay the groundwork with a conversation that could start with: “I know we’ve been wearing masks outdoors with our friends, but now the scientists have done a lot of research and said we just need to wear our masks indoors.”

7. Replace old routines with new routines. For the kindergarten crew who are deeply attached to routine, if we’re taking away one routine that was in place during the pandemic, we need to replace it with something else. Routines are deeply reassuring for kids. Think about how that change in routine might look in our homes and how we can adjust thoughtfully. Involving our kids in that shift might sound like: “Instead of only ordering our groceries to be delivered, we’re going to start going to the store. Can you help me gather up our reusable bags and make a shopping list?”

8. Scaffold socializing. Returning to socializing for younger kids might require more scaffolding than it did pre-pandemic. If we left our seven year olds at drop-off playdates before COVID, we might need to stick around for the first few playdates in the current reality. Being patient with our kids’ questions and offering as much previewing beforehand will go a long way: “I’m going to stick around for a little while and see your friend too. We’re going to stay for an hour and then head home to get dinner ready.”

We are all so excited to get back out there, but as Molly reminded us, we are also holding more difficult feelings alongside our excitement. We are worried for our kids even though we’re happy things are returning to some semblance of normal. None of this is simple or easy. The imagery of giving our kids a long runway feels so reassuring to me because it leaves room for many different ways to find lift off. Some of our kids will have to taxi for a long time at the edges of the airport and others might be first in line for take-off. Some kids might have to go back to the gate due to mechanical issues and others may be grounded overnight and able to fly the next day. The best we can do is give them lots of safety instructions, breathe deeply and hold their hands as we wait to get into the air.