It's supposed to be The Most Wonderful Time of the Year®. So WHAT could possibly be warming up the flamethrower of my heart?

Many of you may very well wonder how I could possibly be so frothed now that Reagan is safely many states away. And I've already come to terms with each of my impending organ failures along with the slow, inevitable, march to hilarious incontinence. So it can't be that.

So what could make me feel like taking the flamethrower of my heart to everything Jolly and Merry?

PEOPLE WHO SIGNED UP FOR THE GIFT CERTIFICATE GIVE-AWAY FOR FREE, DIDN'T WIN ANYTHING, BUT COMPLAIN THAT THEY GOT SUBSCRIBED TO THIS NEWSLETTER WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT.

Here's a little tip. JUST UNSUBSCRIBE. I don't know how to sell any of your information and you'll never be contacted by us again.

Unless you're very cute and/or owe me money.
 

THE DECEMBER CHALLENGE

CLICK ON THE CREEPIEST PHOTO OF ME AND GET ENTERED TO WIN A LONG WEEKEND WITH TEDDY RUXPIN - THE CRIPS & BLOODS VERSION.

CLICK HERE IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
 

EARLY BIRD GIFT CERTIFICATE WINNERS

Logan. Put the fish down. LOGAN. Announce the winners, Logan. LOGAN. Put down the fish. LO-GAN!! The fish!!! Put it down!!! Logan, PUT IT DOWN. NOW!!!

Everyone click that link RIGHT NOW.

That's right. It's our mandatory yearly announcement regarding the winners of our Early Bird Gift Certificate Giveaway you missed.

Here it is. The list. The Winner List as old people would call it.

I assume you nutjobs out there will stop harassing me once I make the winners public. Please don't call the shop in the middle of the night and leave messages that the drawing is rigged or that the shop's "Joke of the Week" sucks.

But before I announce the winners, I'm going to make you suffer through this poem I wrote:


IF YOU SURVIVE

You run, run, run away
It's your heart that you betray
Feeding on your hungry eyes
I bet you're not so civilized

Well isn't love primitive
A wild gift that you wanna give
Break out of captivity
And follow me stereo jungle child
Love is the kill
Your heart's still wild

Shooting at the walls of heartache
Bang, bang
I am the warrior
Well I am the warrior
And heart to heart you'll win
If you survive the warrior, the warrior

You talk, talk, you talk too me
Your eyes touch me physically
Stay with me we'll take the night
As passion takes another bite, oh
Who's the hunter, who's the game
I feel the beat call your name
I hold you close in victory
I don't wanna tame your animal style
You won't be caged in the call of the wild

Shooting at the walls of heartache
Bang, bang
I am the warrior
Well I am the warrior
And heart to heart you'll win
If you survive the warrior, the warrior
I am the warrior

Shooting at the walls of heartache
Bang, bang
I am the warrior
And heart to heart you'll win
If you survive the warrior, the warrior.

-- Don (Not a Dog)

Aren't you glad you read that whole thing through? Here are the Gift Certificate Winners:

$25) Susan Endicott
$25) Melissa Matthews
$25) George Wertime
$25) Karen Dardzinski
$50) Kari Smith
$50) Jessica Nadeau
$100) Kerry Novak

CONGRATULATIONS!!! STOP CALLING!!!!
 

WE LOVE HATE MAIL! 

HOW TO QUICKLY RUN A PROFITABLE BUSINESS INTO THE GROUND

Remember those cool lobster treats we used to carry? The blueberry treats? And those pumpkin ones? What about Brew Bites? Salty Biscuits? Why are they all gone? They were all made by a business owned by a wonderful woman named Pat.

I shall now tell you the story of what happened to all the other treats.
 

AN UNFUNNY PREAMBLE

Pat started her company the year we started ours. Her lobster treats were some of the very first we carried in our shop. As the years went on, she branched out with the Mini Lobster Treats, Maine Blueberry Treats, and Maine Pumpkin Treats. Her treats were made with as many Maine ingredients as possible. Like lobster, blueberries, applesauce, honey, pumpkin, maple syrup, oat flour, garbanzo bean flour and eggs. Then she started making our Salty Biscuits and Brew Bites. It was fantastic. We both were making good money.

As the years went on, Pat no longer wanted to spend her precious Maine summers slaving away in her hot kitchen. She wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren and relax for once. So she set out to find a buyer for her company.

She found one in a Millennial couple. They already had a successful dog grooming business in Southern Maine. They were starting a family. Pat was happy and I was happy for her. She assured me that she had gone over all the recipes and her routine with them and there would be no hitch or interruption going forward.

I believed it. Pat was telling me this. Why wouldn't I believe it?
 

A MORE "RELAXED" WORK ETHIC

We got the news in July. The Millennials took over in August. No big deal. We had ordered all our treats for the year in the winter so we wouldn't swamp Pat in the summer. In September we began running out of Salty Biscuits and Brew Bites. We were having a great year.

The new owner hadn't introduced himself yet. So I called him up and told him the situation. He assured me it was no problem. He could have them in a week. He seemed like a nice, engaging, and confident guy over the phone.

A week and a half went by and I didn't see the treats or hear from him. I called him a bunch of times at his grooming business. When I finally got him on the phone, he said he had 10 each of the lobster treats to give us. He and his wife were going on vacation.

I politely told him we didn't need any of the lobster treats and asked when I could expect the Salty Biscuits and Brew Bites.

He said he couldn't make the Salty Biscuits this year because he'd have to pay for extra lab testing, and $100 to the State of Maine for registration. By the time Maine gave its approval, it would be January and he'd have to do the whole thing over again. He would make the Salty Biscuits in January. He would get right on our Brew Bites as soon as he and his wife got back from vacation.

The heavy stink of bullshit was in the air. Why would he be able to do all the other treats and not Salty Biscuits without lab tests and approval? I didn't have a choice, so I reluctantly agreed and wished them a great vacation.

I knew he was lying to me. And if there's one thing about liars it's that they'll keep lying to you until they get caught.
 

Fast forward three weeks. It's the middle of October. I ran out of Salty Biscuits. I was almost out of Brew Bites. I really needed them for our Early Bird Sale and the Holidays. He kept evading me on the phone and email so I drove down to his dog grooming salon.

I instantly disliked him. He reminded me of a weasel on methamphetamines. He had nervous twitches and prattled under his breath ceaselessly. His eyes were wide and his mouth always had the remnant of a nervous smile. He kept going from one side of the room to the other for no apparent reason. His right hand was permanently rubbing his scrubby beard. He was the Tweaking Weasel.

I introduced myself. He looked shocked. He held out his beard-rubbing hand and I had no choice but to shake it.

He prattled on and on guiltily, like I just caught him in the middle of some atrocity. He excused himself a couple times. The dogs being groomed barked incessantly in the back.

They still didn't have the Brew Bites. Not one bag. He was very tan. I didn't have treats or a tan. I was also pretty tired whereas he seemed to have tons of energy.

"Next week!" he said cheerfully.

I told Liana the story and she naturally thought I was being the asshole. She had the preponderance of evidence on her side, I'll give her that.
 

He "allowed" me pick up 30 bags of Brew Bites a week later. There was no invoice with it. He asked for payment. I asked him for an invoice. He looked angry. Like I was trying to rip him off. He was treating me like a grooming customer asking for credit. I told him I'd need an invoice to write a check. I was firm on this.  After huffing and puffing for a couple minutes he said, "I'll email you an invoice. Send me a check as soon as you get it."

I was pissed off. I had been in business 8 years longer than him. I had been waiting for delivery for weeks, and I was getting a lecture in promptness? How dare this chump talk down to me? I wanted to remind him of the six-figures of business Pat and I had conducted on the "30-Days Net" principle without ripping each other off. But what use was it? I was too angry and busy to give life lessons to "The Tweaking Weasel."

He emailed me an invoice with sales tax included 3 days later. I wrote back and told him to take the sales tax out. He corrected it that day and sent it back. He sent me a flurry of texts asking if I wrote the check yet. I ignored him and sent the check a week later.

Liana was starting to hate him now, too. This guy was going to be a big problem.

THE BIG ORDER
 

We staggered on through The Hellidays. They mailed us Brew Bites with 10-15 bags/package, rather than have us come pick them up in any quantity. The postage was suspiciously high and cut into our bottom line significantly. I always met Pat or picked the treats up at her house. The Millennials kept sending Brew Bites in drips and drabs with invoices that had bloody, red, alarming stamps on them. Like I hadn't paid them in six months. And they weren't special invoices for me. They sent them out to all their clients.

In January, we put together our yearly "Big Order."

We ordered our usual thousands of bags of treats. I asked for them to be ready by May 7th. I asked them how much spent grains and beef liver powder they needed. Were they OK on packaging labels? Also, please don't use your smudgy stamp for the "Date Bagged" spot. I bought a date label gun and would be glad to date-stamp them.

He wrote back that they were going on another vacation and he had paid the $100 registration for the Salty Biscuits. He asked I pay them back. I wholeheartedly agreed. It would be great to have the Salty Biscuits back.
 

KICKED IN THE SALTY BISCUITS

In mid-January, it seemed like things were working out well. He kept asking for more spent grains and beef liver powder and I delivered it. 

Then in mid-February things got a bit sketchy. Their daughter was colicky a lot. Their community kitchen was moving. They were going to visit his wife's family for a week. Their car was in the shop. Did they mention their community kitchen was moving? The calls for spent grains and beef liver powder stopped.

By May 15th, they'd gone on vacation twice and their daughter was hit by The Plague at least a dozen times. They sent us a bunch of their Lobster, Blueberry, and Pumpkin treats. It was substantially less than what we ordered. And we only got about a quarter of the Brew Bites. We got no Salty Biscuits. I emailed him on June 18th asking when the Salty Biscuits would be ready.

Then I got an email back: "I want to let you know that we have made the decision to discontinue the Salty Biscuits for this year. We did not make this decision lightly as I know that you are wanting them for your store. I am aware that you placed this order with us earlier this year and we have still not fulfilled it. The reason for our decision is, as you know it is our first summer doing the dog treats, we did not predict the amount of orders that would be coming in. Since we are having a hard time keeping up with orders we have to focus on the treats that are in high demand to try and keep up with productivity. We have stopped taking on new business this year so we can focus on current clients and their orders. This is also difficult and we have since moved to filling partial orders. Also, because of recent ingredient price increases, we will need to increase the price of our products by one dollar a bag, and the Brew Bites by two dollars a bag."

I took virtual pen in hand:

"Dear Congealed - Oatmeal - For - Brains: Thanks for not making that decision affecting my business too lightly. One might expect that since you've had three vacations to consider the situation that you might have let me know BEFORE the middle of the Busy Season.

"The price increases you are imposing are confusing. It is well known that you have chopped the Maine ingredients from Pat's original recipes in favor of cheaper ingredients like frozen Canadian lobster from Costco. And the $2/bag rise in prices for Brew Bites is hard to fathom considering I supply you with free spent grains and beef liver powder.

"Please consider this a termination of all contracts and expectations between our companies. I'll be down tomorrow to pick up our things. Please have them ready. Also please have a reimbursement check for $100 that I spent "registering" the Salty Biscuits you never had any intention of making.

"In closing, I'd like to commend you for running a truly magnificent business into the ground so brutally and efficiently. I hope your chronic procrastination doesn't deter you from a single future vacation hour. You deserve it."

I Remain,
Doggy-Style Don
 

THE ONGOING QUEST FOR MEDIOCRITY

I walked into his shop the next day and he lunged for his phone like he was going to dial 911. He had all our stuff piled in the foyer of his shop. He motioned to the grooming area for his wife to come out - probably to show her the mean guy who created so many unreasonable demands on her vacation plans. But more likely she was his backup 911-dialer. She stared at me like a gap-mouthed trout. It was the first time I'd met her.

She asked me, "Why are you doing this?" with some kind of cotton-brained softness.

"I think you're completely incompetent and I don't want my business to get messed up with your Quest for Mediocrity. Good luck!"

I left then, but we all got tattoos of each other after a night of drinking and dancing on one of their vacations.

P.S. -- With any luck, we'll have our own line of Boothbay Harbor lobster dog treats in the spring of 2024. With REAL Boothbay Harbor Lobster!! Stay tuned!!


~ Don (Not a Dog)

Dog Bless Freedom of the Press.

Last month, I was NOT clandestinely referring to my sex life with "Musts and Can'ts."

We have a story from Fudgie this month about his second birthday. I KNOW his birthday is in October. I KNOW it's December now. YES. I love Marz. His Birthday is at the later end of the month (20th). Liana and I were in Newfoundland right after that. I had a lot of schmoozing to do for Early Bird. For the love of Dog, the November Newsletter couldn't do his birthday justice.

But the December one can.