Declare an Amnesty on Discarding Guilt

HiFriend,

Recently I encouraged my boys to dust their display shelves and get rid of anything that no longer felt important to them. Each of them gave me a pile of figurines, eraser collections, and tchotchkes that no longer floated their boats.

But, do you think I could make a decision about what to do with these piles? Nope. None of them were valuable or useful to me. The kids had discarded them. Regardless, the temptation to keep them “just because” was so strong.

Finding things difficult to throw away once they’ve arrived in your home is normal. The cognitive distortion of the endowment effect is real and impacts all of us. The idea that something we own is more valuable to us than it is to others who don’t own it is powerful. In addition, when we hold strong values about avoiding wastefulness and making-do it can feel almost impossible to open the bin and drop the items in.

I’ve often suggested to clients with clutter at extreme levels that they might find it beneficial to put a moratorium, embargo, or ban on feelings of shame and guilt that arise when they consider throwing away things that “are still good”, “could be useful to someone”, or “not ready for the trash”.

Recently, a new client gave me the perfect analogy to explain this technique of the “no-judgement zone” and it’s the declaration of an amnesty.

You’ve probably heard of amnesties for guns, right? If you surrender your illegal guns you will not be charged with an offence. How might this be useful when clearing clutter?

This concept can be used as a way to adjust your mindset around wastefulness for momentarily to allow for discarding to happen more easily.

If you decide to throw out something that you’d usually be shamed or guilted into keeping due to your underlying assumptions and core beliefs, you won’t be charged with the offence of being wasteful, bad, or ungrateful for a set period of time.

Setting Discarding Boundaries:

If you live alone this thought technique can be quite easily used, with some boundaries:

The amnesty will be over once the home environment is safe, comfortable, and equilibrium (I’ll explain this idea in a sec) is reached

There will be a suspension of any incoming discretionary/impulse items until the amnesty is over
Anything that is not yours to throw away (grown kids belongings, ex’s stuff etc.):
- Contact the owner and ask them to come and collect them in one month or they will be thrown away
- Ask for permission to throw them away
- If your grown children say they don’t want their old artwork or trophies you must let them go.

If you live with others and you are the person who hoards some additional guidelines will help to avoid conflict (as much as possible):

Make an agreement that anything worth less than $X can be thrown out without consultation

Any items above $X must be “owned” by you to be thrown out by you
Children can make decisions about what to toss from their rooms*
Communal property must be agreed upon by adult members of the household
No items tossed out are to be “rescued” by other family members.

Once the home is a) safe, b) comfortable c) equilibrium is reached, the burden of proof rests on the incoming not the outgoing.

Meaning, the items that you want to bring into your lives need to justify their place.

Those items leaving your environment can be let go without protest until equilibrium is reached. So, what is household equilibrium exactly? It’s something I kinda made up. I define it like this:

Household equilibrium is reached when you have a loose grasp on what you own, where it is, and therefore what you need to acquire to live the life you want.

At this point you’ve let go of what you don’t need or want, leaving what is essential for you. This concept is a bit like Goldilocks choosing chairs. It’s the level of stuff that is just right… for YOU.

Maintenance:

In order to maintain household equilibrium, everything should be scrutinised for its current usefulness (in the upcoming month), and whether it is a “want” or a “need” before it enters the home.

It can be tricky to decide if something is a true need or if it’s something we want because we think it will protect us from uncertainty or help us avoid potential problems that haven’t occurred yet. These types of “needs” are driven by thoughts that are often unhelpful and are usually the result of anxiety. They may seem real and rational to us but following them might go against our overarching plans for living a life according to our values.

Let me give you an example:

I have makeup that cost me hundreds of dollars that I bought more than 5 years ago and used but didn’t use up. I decide to suspend my feeling of guilt over tossing out these out of date products that no longer suit in order to create space for products that do suit my more mature skin. Now I “need” new makeup. What do I do?

Acting from a place of anxiety I see that an OK brand of makeup is on sale at the pharmacy. I think “What if I feel like filming my online course this weekend? I should buy some just in case”. There is no experienced staff to help me pick colour or formulation so I make a best guess… On FIVE separate occasions.

Now, I have five foundations all slightly the wrong colour for my skin, make me look like a freak on camera, and are wrong for my skin type. I still have to go out and buy the right foundation. The five jars I bought on impulse go to waste in my drawer, reminding me of the selfish consumer I am and represent yet more money I could have saved and put towards my retirement.

In the alternative universe, I resist the immediate urge to replace these items or impulse purchase makeup at the supermarket or pharmacy that might suit my needs because I’m afraid I won’t have it when I “need” it. I assess what I need to present myself in a polished and professional manner in videos. This assessment involves researching (blog posts, YouTube videos, etc.) to establish what types of foundation work best under lights on camera for mature skin. Then I go to an expert, get samples and test them out at home and on camera.

Only then do I buy the foundation that works for me. The foundation is perfect so I use all of it up, finish it and recycle the packaging. Now that’s a satisfying and sustainable buyer’s cycle. It also suggests that spending the time now saves money and time later (not to mention avoiding harsh self-judgement and emotional anguish).

Keeping in mind how difficult it is to get “rid” of things once they enter our homes can lead to us being more discerning IN THE MOMENT about what we buy/acquire so we can maintain household equilibrium.

In summation, I want you to consider declaring an amnesty on your discarding guilt. When you have decided this is the time to get serious about your clutter, declare an amnesty on all negative feelings that surface when you try to throw things out. Draw a line in the sand.

Until next week :)

Jan <3

*within reason of course like you wouldn’t let a 12 year old toss out their baby album or your Grandmother’s engagement ring!

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