“I went to Dunkin' Donuts last week, and the person waiting on me didn't speak any English at all, like, no words. And it's like I'm all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a few keywords, you know, like donutos, munchkinos, chocolatto, coverato. The customers would be like, 'Blah, blah, blah, donutos.' And I'd be like, 'Right away, sir.'“
— Mike Birbiglia
“When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, “Will she live?” He said, “Only if you take your foot off her throat.”
— Joan Rivers
“I don’t get these good-looking people. They spend 100% of their time on looks, zero on their personality. It’s just assumed that part’s amazing. Why wouldn’t you work on that, too? All right? Before a date, everybody goes, “How do I look?” No one ever goes, “Am I annoying?” Huh? Huh? Isn’t that more important, you know, like… that’s what you got to worry about. Like, I know I’m not a hot guy. Before a date, I’m writing jokes in my hand, limericks, anecdotes. I’m bringing it, baby. I’m tap dancing out there, you know?”
- Mark Normand
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