The Salty Paws January 2023 | |
 THE BEST OF 2022
I'm so sick of this whole year I decided to just mail it in and do a "Year End Compilation" like M*A*S*H or Momma's Family when the writers were all in rehab.
If any of you have a problem with that, I will gladly meet you at a place of your choosing and fight you with lengths of heavy chain.
Please text me before the fight with the outfit you'll be wearing. I don't want our outfits to clash.
If any of you were looking for a specific part in a newsletter that angered you in the past, click here: https://us8.campaign-archive.com/home/?u=0e5740287c6b4fe45247c8351&id=315369d469
All the blogs can be found here: https://www.twosaltydogs.net/blog/
NEW BLOG THIS MONTH:
"Dog Treatment In This Gimcrack Town," by Auggie.
ALSO:
All coupon codes shown in The Coal Shack are valid for January, so go buy something for a change, will ya?
ALL PHOTOS CONTAIN LINKS. CLICK ON THEM.
Now go fetch grandpa some o' the hair o' the Yuletide dog, boy.
--Don (Not a Dog)
FROM FEBRUARY
A lot of you out there are breaking a very serious rule.
You are supposed to eat your lobster roll, scarf down some ice cream and make your way back to your drab homes in less desirable places BEFORE December 31st. Under NO circumstances should you be up here in the months of January, February or March. It is strictly forbidden!
But no. A lot of you are breaking this unspoken accord by coming up here to see that stupid Stellar Sea Eagle and taxing the Boothbay Region's crumbling infrastructure.
Just the other night, I had to squeeze into a bar stool betwixt people who were wearing so many layers of clothes they looked like blimps tethered to martinis.
Can you imagine the horror as these people from Nostril, Connecticut tried to engage me in conversation? Me! In January! What's next? A Sober Tuesday in Boothbay Harbor? I shudder for the children.
And another thing- I think there's something seditious about you birdwatchers. Why can't you go look at good, old-fashioned American Bald Eagles? Why all the love for an inferior, ex-communist, runaway RUSSIAN Eagle? Huh? The next thing you know, our children will be learning that funky Russian alphabet they stole from Klingon, instead of the AMERICAN alphabet that has served this planet so well for over 2,000 years.
No. Thank. You.
FROM JANUARY
Cranky Uncle Donny's Safe Driving Tips:
1)  Take a page from motorcyclists who remove the baffles from their mufflers so the ear-splitting sound makes them "safer" on the road.
Lay fully on your horn from the second you leave your driveway until your destination. That way, everyone will know exactly where you are and not slam into you. At least unintentionally. And definitely DON'T wear a motorcycle helmet. That doesn't make you safer in the slightest.
2) If you're in very fast freeway traffic, make sure to get as close to the person ahead of you as you possibly can. It doesn't matter if that person is going 30mph over the speed limit and is an ambulance. In fact, the faster they are going, the less space should be between your bumpers. Bonus points for laying on your horn, flicking your lights, "nudging," or if you are in hazardous conditions like a tornado or a 8.9 earthquake.
3) When merging onto the freeway, make sure to look thoroughly for cars in the travel lane. If you think one is in the next state, slam on your brakes and come to a complete stop on the on-ramp. Merge safely onto the freeway as soon as most of your time-zone is asleep or the people behind you are about to set your vehicle on fire.
4) Having an SUV with four-wheel drive means that, unlike your caveman ancestors, you no longer need to care at all about road conditions. Just stomp on that accelerator and weave in and out of that cautious traffic like a beautiful ballerina in your enormous Ford Juxtaposition. Laugh derisively at other drivers who give you a wide berth who understand that four-wheel drive means precisely nothing on ice.
5) Do you drive a Subaru and wear a bizarre hat? Do you drive a giant, '83 Oldsmobile a solid 20mph under the speed limit? Do you have trouble seeing over the dashboard of your car?
If you answered "Yes" to any or all of these questions, you should consider joining a new government program called "Save Lives - Make Everyone in Boothbay Late for Everything."
Get paid to drive Route 27 from Boothbay Harbor to Route 1 in a continuous, maddeningly S-L-O-W, loop.
Serious applicants only. Like if you are comfortable looking in your rear-view mirror and seeing miles upon miles of stultified traffic behind you and don't feel the need to pull over.
FROM MAY
We lost Max on March 12th. He was almost 15.
All I can do is write a blog about it. Why not a painting or sculpture or interpretive dance? Because no matter how much I like to think I'm a modern-era Da Vinci, the more I realize I just run off at the mouth.
That's the best I can do for you, Old Friend. I have no complaints.
Read it here.
WE LOVE HATE MAIL!
From August
I just wanted to give a shout out to all the people out there who emailed me and threatened to shred my favorite chair or hate-pee on my carpet because of last month's We Love Hate Mail -- "Attack of the Crazy Cat Entrepreneurs." I think we all know who you are.
HEARTBREAK HOTEL
 It was Memorial Day Weekend and I was busy remembering the fallen heroes of our nation and hoping people bought enough stuff at the store so I could settle the lawsuit against Fudgie out of court.
 Things were looking up until a couple interjected themselves between me and a customer who wanted to pay their substantial bill in cash.
"Where's the hotel?" The woman asked.
"Where's your hotel....? Hmmmmm....?" I said sleepily, grasping the wad of 20's from my customer like a grateful leper. These people were obviously deranged. Should I call senior services? Were they high? Should I have Lyle charge the tazer?
"No, no! Where's the hotel that burned DOWN?" the man said.
"Oh, for Dog's Sake," I said to myself, "Here we go. These people get all tingly seeing a kids' car seat in the middle of the interstate after a horrible accident."
"Are you speaking literally or are we talking about some kind of metaphorical military speak like HOTEL BRAVO X-RAY ASSHAT NAMASTE BLADDER SCIMITAR, CHUNKBUTT.....
She cut me off... "No no no.... It's the one that burned down on the 24th."
"Do you have reservations?"
"What?... No."
"Well they won't let you pitch a tent out there. They hardly let you pitch a tent anywhere anymore." My juvenile joke was wasted on them.
He countered with, "Where's the hotel?" in a serious tone. Like if I didn't tell him he'd run right up to the Chamber of Commerce and tell them I punched him in the face when he asked for the best lobster roll in town. Like it was my duty as a shop owner in Boothbay Harbor to send him directly into the heart of a spectacle that was borne out of people's misery and broken lives just for his personal amusement.
I caught his eyes and told him like I was telling him the way to The Holy Grail; "Go out my door. Turn right. Go through the traffic light. Go straight through the rotary. Directly opposite the Dunkin' Donuts, take a right onto 'Country Club Road.' Go to 119 and turn right."
They seemed pretty happy to be off.
To the Dump.
Sorry. "Boothbay Region Refuse Disposal District."
~ Don (Not a Dog)
From June
GOTT IN HIMMEL!!!
I say it every month - There's no reason to waste my time on this tongue-in-cheek newsletter unless you people buy stuff from our website. It would have been easier if our shopping cart and checkout were working properly last month. Rest assured, we have severely disciplined those responsible by flogging their backsides, having teenage girls call them snarky names, and publicly shamed them with anonymous online sarcasm.
Seriously - the shopping cart/checkout problems are fixed. Thank you so much to people who took their time to let us know!
And please let me clarify- my threat of just cutting and pasting content from 80's weightlifting magazines in future looms large if I'm not as rich as Jeff Bezos by July. OK? And I mean MONEY. Not in dignity or family relationships or anything metaphorical, OK? Cash, checks, credit card, signed-over wills or cryptocurrency. Livestock, animal pelts, and daughters/family members cannot be accepted as payment at this time.
Dog Bless You
REASONS TO BUY MY NOVEL
From July
YES. I'm going to put this here again this month and BEG you to buy it. I have literally THOUSANDS of these pre-ordered. And to pay for it, I cashed in Fudgie's college fund.
Haha! Just kidding! I forged Liana's signature and cashed in her 401k. BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL HER. Our marriage is already hanging by a thread since "Tarantula Town."
TOP 11 REASONS TO BUY MY BOOK:
- 100% Politics-free.
- It's short - only 202 pages including all the crap the publisher made me put in.
- There's not a lot of multi-syllable words to trip up you glue-sniffers, auto-erotic asphyxiation enthusiasts, people who crushed beer cans on their heads in college, etc.
- Printed in a large font for all you geezers out there.
- You think it would be humorous / tragic to see what would happen to me with fame or wealth.
- I will nondescriptly sign it for an extra $400.
- C'mon. Help an irritating and selfish guy out.
- Pity
- If I get a favorable settlement from the carburetor cleaner manufacturer I could be VERY generous to those of you who bought multiple copies.
- To keep the money from going to your ungrateful children after you die.
- I lowered the price under $10, you ghouls.
FUN FACT: THE COVER PHOTO IS LITERALLY LOOKING INTO MY WHISKEY GLASS.
THE DAY OF THE DOGS
NOW ONLY $9.75
USE COUPON CODE: PITY
<< Click HERE >>
CANINE BUFFETS
From September
Were you even aware of the Maine Compromise of 1850? Or was it the Treaty of Ghent? Versailles? The Second Council of Lyon? Sturgis? The First Council of Nicasia? Help a guy whose nervous system is reeling from drinking a bottle and a half of straight blue Curaçao in under 3 hours.
Sure, it was called "The Missouri Compromise" even though Maine had been a "Thing" for over 250 years. That's why EVERY SINGLE MAINER will never willingly drive, fly, boat, jet pack, swim, walk, air balloon, jog, pack horse, drive cattle, streak, or otherwise cross over Missouri territory. 
Maine was thrown a sop when the nation was beseeched to "REMEMBER THE MAINE! TO HELL WITH SPAIN!" in 1898. But I would honestly rather remember Spain with its lovely oranges and Flamenco music than tolerate the St. Louis Cardinals, Deep Dish Pizza, get a Brazilian Wax Job, or drink another Budweiser on top of all this Curaçao. In fact, the only things I can tolerate from Missouri is the battleship and the movies "Roadhouse" and "Waiting for Guffman."
ANYWAY.....
These Canine Buffets contain nothing from Missouri. Not even the glue that attaches the labels. Not even the labels themselves. These treats were not trucked or flown through Missouri because they were harvested and packaged in a proper state like Minnesota.
ATTENTION! THE ONLY FACT OF THE NEWSLETTER IS COMING UP!
Jest lookit what each bg contains:*
(3) Pig Ears @ $3/ea = $9.00
(2) Duck Feet @ $1.75/ea = $3.50
(6) 6" Bully Sticks @ $6.25/ea = $37.50
(1) Beef Tendon = Priceless
(1) Esophagus = Timeless
* Your mileage may vary.
Total Value = $32,571,890,752.76
ALL CANINE BUFFETS NOW ONLY $17.75
USE COUPON CODE: REMEMBERTHESPAIN
<< Click HERE >>
 I should probably just walk around my entire conscious day with a bib on. I've got dribbles and other embarrassing stains down the whole front of me. Sometimes those stains go all the way to my shoes. Sometimes I don't notice them for weeks.
Thank Dog I don't routinely wear a cummerbund. I would go bankrupt in 6 months if I had to constantly dry clean the very fancy and expensive foods I spill on it. Foods like A1 Sauce and Chunky Monkey.
DID YOU KNOW?
Of course all you "people" out there are not sympathetic to me. Rather, you are wondering, "WTF did Don do to make Liana so angry that she would withhold Don's Birthday Chunky Monkey and then scarf down the pint he bought himself?"
 Liana ate my Birthday pint of Chunky Monkey all by herself this year? She'll deny it, but IT'S TRUE. Did you also know that I had to buy my OWN pint of Birthday Chunky Monkey this year? THAT IS TRUE ALSO. I SWEAR TO DOG.
The answer is that I am a sadly maligned character who toils endlessly for the shop and all things decent and good on this planet.
SERIOUS MOMENT: This product is fantastic for older dogs. It has Chondroiten and Glucosamine for the joints. It also has White Willow Bark which is a mild analgesic that helps your older dog get moving in the morning and go to sleep in the evening. It's also Made in Maine. Drop by the store or drop me a note if you'd like a sample.
VITAMIN SEA
31.66392970175% OFF!!!
Use Coupon Code: MONKEYCHUNKY
<< Click HERE >>
UPDATE: SHE REPLACED THE PINT OF CHUNKY MONKEY BUT SHE NEVER APOLOGIZED.
ALL CRUSTACEAN DOG TOYS
From June
I JUST USED THE WOMEN'S ROOM AT THE NEWAGEN INN AND I AM SHOCKED.
It's REVERSE SEXISM that women's restrooms have a little chair, flowers, and don't smell like horse vomit.
And for those of you at home, please note the second toy down on the left side. It's not a lobster. It's a shrimp. Or maybe it could be one of those weak Florida lobsters without claws. All I know is that his name is Paco and he claims to be a prawn
Ooh La La, Paco. How very Continental of you.
And the face-sucker at the bottom is NOT an actual toy, but rather a poor attempt at humor. But hey, what do you expect after half a bottle of Southern Comfort? Horse vomit?
ATTENTION: THE TOYS ARE NOT STUFFED WITH CRUSTACEANS. THEY ARE STUFFED TOYS MADE TO LOOK LIKE CRUSTACEANS. I WILL ENTERTAIN NO COMPLAINTS ON THE MATTER.
CRUSTACEAN STUFFED TOYS
35.999919% OFF!!!!
Use Coupon Code: SOCORULEZ
WEISS WALKIES
From July
Commander Space Nugget urges you to buy a Weiss Walkie from us.
Ask Commander Space Nugget himself. His Teddy Bear would pull on his leash all the time. Then he was negotiating The Forbidden Zone with Fleshy-Headed Space Mutants. Teddy saw a Space Squirrel and went berzerk, ruining The Forbidden Zone for all time.
I know what you're thinking: "Does everything regarding Commander Space Nugget need to be capitalized, and why does does everything need to be predicated with the word 'Space'?"
The answer in next months episode of Commander Space Nugget's Space Galaxy Space Adventures on the Lifetime Channel.
 Does your dog pull on a leash? Then attach a sled and have him pull you around everywhere.
Or get a Weiss Walkie. It's the best anti-pull device we have and it's endorsed by Commander Space Nugget and Teddy Bear.
LAWYER STATEMENT: Don't rely on this newsletter for facts. Click the photos or the "<< CLICK HERE >>" thingy below for actual facts.
WEISS WALKIES
WAS: $32.00 -- NOW $25.00
Use Coupon Code: SPACENUGGET
<< Click HERE >>
BOOTHBAY HARBOR COLLARS & LEASHES
From September
 Lots of you are getting this newsletter because you made the mistake of signing up when you were visiting Boothbay Harbor. Granted, you probably had about a half-gallon of margaritas sloshing around in your gullet along with a dozen oysters, 2 corndogs, and at least one "bad" clam.
And because of all those distractions you probably forgot to pick up a Boothbay Harbor collar and leash set for your ungrateful furball. I am here to help you rectify matters. We'll forgive you this time. Just don't let us catch you doing it again.
 And just look at that solid design. The Red, White, and Blue... The Maine... That fantastic logo and a prominent "BOOTHBAY HARBOR." What could be a better way to salute the designer of this World-Famous collar and leash set than to buy one?
THAT'S  RIGHT!!! I DESIGNED IT!!! ME!!! THE CRANKY OWNER OF AN UNIMPORTANT PET SUPPLY STORE ON THE COAST OF MAINE!!!! (PHOTO MAY NOT ACTUALLY BE ME)
BOOTHBAY COLLARS AND LEASHES
NOW 29.93326590911% OFF
Use Coupon Code: BADCLAM
<< Click HERE >>
Free Shipping on ALL Orders Over $75
Sale Ends 1-31-23 Unless I get the stupid beaten out of me with heavy lengths of chain.
Click Here to Forward this Newsletter to someone who should be in a gulag for their own safety.
Sniffin’ Around
The Boothbay Region
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MARZ -
FREE TO A GOOD HOME
APRIL
This is not easy to say, especially since I've berated people for doing this very thing in the past, but we got in way over our heads when we got Marz. We need to re-home him. And soon.
Don't get me wrong. He's a great, funny, and a smart little dog, who wants to do nothing but please you. But unfortunately it's been five months and our crankier, older dogs aren't getting any better with him. Not only is Auggie still biting him viciously, but Max and Teddy have taken major shots at him as well. He spends a lot of time cowering in the bathroom and we have to feed him at different times than the others. This can't continue.
Liana and I feel this is going to get even worse as Marz gets sexually mature, given all our other dogs are neutered.
We love him so much!
But it's not fair to him. He deserves to have a life without fear in a loving family with other dogs who at least tolerate him.
It also comes down to other idiotic things like liability. He ran at and almost knocked over an elderly woman last week in the shop. We've never had that problem before, and frankly we can't afford to hurt anyone with our limited insurance.
He's an awfully cute and loving pup! He just needs the right home.
All that said, Liana and I are now accepting online applications for Marz's new home. It has all his details- DOB, house-training info, weight, expected weight, food requirements, etc.
And it has all the requirements we require for the little guy. It's a pretty comprehensive list, and PLEASE, if you don't meet our requirements DON'T EMAIL / CALL / TELEGRAPH / YELL AT ME IF YOU DON'T.
And be advised that Liana and I will be personally inspecting every possible home for him.
APPLICATION
He's a Good Dog....
THE NEWS FROM MARS
MAY
The best thing about puppies is that EVERYTHING is new to them. Even the same old stupid garden hose is an amazing rock and roll show for them:
Marz / Fudgie is now 9 months old. Officially he has 9 brain cells according to the AKC handbook on Labrador Retrievers:
"A Lab shall GAIN one (1) brain cell for every month alive until such lab reaches seven years. Upon that lab's seventh (7th) birthday, the lab shall LOSE one (1) brain cell for every month alive. Under NO circumstances shall a Labrador Retriever have more than than 84 brain cells at any given time. A Lab with more brain cells than 84 shall be classified a 'Chesapeake Bay Retriever.'" |
DAFT OLD BAT CORNER
AUGUST
Mainers are a kind, gentle people. We are from ruddy peasant stock and are hard to get riled. I ran into an article by some Dessicated Old Bat from New York City. At first I got riled, but the more I read, the more I thought it was hilarious.
How could someone feel the need to be THAT self-aggrandizing? Also, how could a literate person writing for the New York Post for so many years get Maine so very, very wrong? (Hahaha! New York Post! Literate!)
The answer is: She's a washed up has-been lusting for one more "Me Gusto!" before meeting the big plastic surgeon in the sky.
And I'm OK with that. In fact, I applaud it.
But I also reserve the right to make fun of it.
Did You Know?: She drives a BMW, cares not for Oklahoma, and prefers gilded French furniture for her ass? It's all in this disdainful expose of Maine she probably had her manservant crank out on a 1934 typewriter on his "free" time.
More About Asses: At 92, why is she so hypnotized by gigantic asses she erroneously attributes to Mainers? Most likely they were tourist asses. Like her very own 92yr old, ancient, wrinkled, sagging, ass wobbling around cluelessly in Vacationland.
And get a load of this eye-crossing sentence: "Longtime friends whose ancestors founded the state of Maine in the 1800s and are in its museums and histories invited me."
#1) I had to read this 3 times before I understood what she was trying to say.
#2) I say we find these "longtime friends" of hers and dump a load of bait on their lawn. Who's with me? I know they're probably not still friends, but these "longtime friends" need to be stridently punished or they'll do similar stupid things like sell our classified Maine whoopie pie recipe to Vermont.
#3) Maine wasn't "founded" like a hair salon or strip club. It was granted statehood. And it's humorous to me that she can't be bothered to look up the exact year in the 1800's. Also, Maine has been "A Thing" since the 1600's. Like her beloved ass and Manhattan.
Beer Sucks Quote: "Everybody does beer. They probably shower with it..." Well, DUH.
Attention to Detail: "'Downcoast' locally means 'far north.' 'Upcoast' is northeast...." Wrong on both counts, sweetie. How many Harvey Wallbangers did it take to crank that gem out?
The last sentence has her getting back into her BMW and getting "...back to civilization and New York."
Civilization be damned. I'm sure it had something to do with her ass.
And make sure to click my response to her journalistic endeavor here:
A WEE NY TEST - by Don
NOVEMBER
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The Harbor Dogs' Stories
(Formerly Max & Aug's Dog Blog)
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See You Next Month!
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