“"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"
— Jim Gaffigan
“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
— Phyllis Diller
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
— Joan Rivers
“That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
— Jerry Seinfeld
"My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?"
— Laura Kightlinger
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