Need some naming advice? Let's chat.
My calendar for telephone consults is updated through February 2023. We can narrow your name list - or build it, work through a few final possibilities and combinations, or talk about a tricky naming decision. It's a lot like the #namehelp posts on the site or in this newsletter, but completely confidential and lets you ask questions as we go. If talking to your nearest and dearest isn't making the decision any easier, a phone call might be exactly what you need to find the name you love.
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IS THIS NAME REALLY OFF-LIMITS?
I think my sister is (probably) being unreasonable
J writes:
My husband and I are expecting our first child together this spring. It's a boy. We settled on a name pretty easily: Isaac William.
We hadn't planned to share the name, but my mom saw it on a personalized sign in his nursery.
My mom told my sister and she freaked out.
My sister and I are not close. She's eight years older than me and was out of house before I grew up. But we just don't have a lot in common anyway.
Now she says that I know that her high school boyfriend was named Isaac and they had a really bad break-up and there's no way I can name my baby after him.
I don't remember Isaac AT ALL. I asked my mom and she sort of remembered him, and it turns out my sister's prom picture with Isaac in it is still hanging in her old room in my mom's house. But my sister has had lots of boyfriends, and my mom says she's just as confused by my sister's reaction as I am.
We live twelve hours from my mom, and a little further from my sister. My mom visits a lot, but my sister and I see each other maybe once a year.
I don't want to use this name if there really is some deep, dark secret about that long-ago boyfriend that she's not telling me.
But my sister is kind of an attention-seeking type, and she's not married/doesn't have kids and she said things when we were getting married about how it wasn't fair that I was "first." (What is this, The Taming of the Shrew?!) I feel like this is probably more of the same.
Right now we still plan to name our son Isaac William, but the closer I get to my due date, the more nervous I feel.
And she keeps texting me ideas for new names. (She's probably texted me more since she found out about the name than ever before in our lives.)
Abby replies:
OOF. This is a tough one.
My general guidance is to choose the relationship over the name. And it seems like a sister ought to be far more important, right?
Except that's not the way life works. Yes, she's your sister. But you're not close. While life is long, it sounds like this is a permanent fact, not a temporary estrangement.
Still, the logical step might be to ask your sister about her ex.
If Isaac was a garden-variety high school break-up, then using the name seems fine. Presumably your sister is closer to 30 than 16, and can acknowledge that teenagers are careless with each others' emotions.
Maybe she'd never choose the name herself as a result. But that applies to her and her alone.
So often a family member will say, "Oh you can't name him Jack. I had the most horrible boss named Jack." Or "Logan was the bully on my bus in middle school." That doesn't mean you have to take Jack/Logan/Isaac off your list. It's not a significant fact for you.
But, as you note, it's possible that there's more to the story.
Except that asking for the full story? That's not necessarily a fix.
I can imagine a few possible outcomes:
- She shares something truly awful, and you agree - her nephew's name really can't be Isaac.
- Maybe she prefers not to talk about it, but urges you not to give her nephew that name - which leaves you back where you started.
- Or she shares something that she finds painful, but seems reasonably ordinary to you. Now you've had a heart-to-heart and you're really ignoring her urging.
Your sister shouldn't have veto power over your son's name. She doesn't get a vote. Asking her potentially creates the impression that she does have input.
And so my instinct is this: either you agree that your sister's objections are enough to re-start your name search based on her objections now ... or you barrel ahead naming your son Isaac. and accept that it might damage your relationship with your sister.
In a perfect world, you'd have an open and honest conversation. But if that's not possible? I'd seriously consider whether there's another name that you like nearly as much as Isaac.
And if the answer is no, are you willing to damage your relationship with your sister over the name choice? To be clear, that's always a choice you can make - but you have make it with eyes wide open.
Readers, I'd love your thoughts on this one. It feels like there's really no perfect answer!
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IVY, LUMI, SNOW
Word names have gone mainstream, with names borrowed from nature leading the way. If Ivy is a fast-rising favorite, how about imports ilke Lumi, or less name-like options like Snow?
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ON THE LIST:
GIVEN TO JUST FIVE GIRLS
The very bottom of US popularity data is fascinating. It's packed with names that are so rare that we've probably never heard them on an actual person ... but it's clear that they're really in use.
The Social Security Administration doesn't report on names given to fewer than five boys or girls in any given year for privacy reasons. That means this list is drawn from the rarest of the rare names for calendar year 2021.
ABYSSINIA
ANTIGONE
DESSA
ESMERAE
FREDERICA
HANNELORE
LETITIA
MAZARINE
ORORO
RHAPSODY
ROMILLY
SISTINE
SOJOURNER
VERILY
Would you consider any of these names for a daughter?
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