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A few weeks ago, I curiously watched a show called "Mind Your Manners," in which etiquette expert Sara Jane Ho helps individuals improve their posture, diction, appearance, and even home decor to increase their chances of succeeding in job interviews, dating, and other areas of life. I was impressed by her own poise and sophistication, which she balanced with understanding and humour, but I have to admit that I scoffed at her views on feng shui. In one episode, she insisted a family dig out their dead cat buried in the backyard because it would bring them bad luck. Uh... no.
One piece of advice that stuck with me, however, was this clip. Sara Jane explains that when you're having a conversation, you should try to not speak for more than 20 seconds at a time. Past the 20-second mark, you start to lose the listener. "You're getting close to boring." Past the 40-second mark, you've already lost them.
Hold on. Twenty seconds? How much can you say in 20 seconds?
Skeptical, I started doing some research and found where she no doubt got her tip. Marty Nemko, a career and personal coach, has developed a couple of intriguing principles of conversation, namely the Talk Rule and the Traffic Light Rule. The Talk Rule is that you should always speak a little less than your share. If you're speaking with one person, your share of the time would be 50 per cent, so try to speak only 20 to 40 per cent of the time. If you're talking in a group of four, speak no more than 10 to 20 per cent of the time. The Traffic Light Rule is the 20-second principle Sara Jane shared on her show. (You can read more about Nemko's theories in this Psychology Today article he wrote a few years ago.)
Sometimes (okay, lots of times) I catch myself rambling when someone asks me a question. It's not that I like hearing the sound of my own voice, but I can get really excited about a topic and I guess I'm afraid that if I don't dump out all the words in my head, I'll never get another chance. It might be one of the hazards of living and working alone and not having as many daily conversations as most people do. The problem is, there's no point in rambling if the other person starts tuning me out. Now, I have no idea how to gauge how many seconds are ticking by while I'm talking to someone, but I feel like it might be worth paying more attention to. Maybe I can set a timer for 20 seconds and talk to Buttercup (my tabby) as practice? Any suggestions? Have any of you ever tried to adopt this principle?
Now, you might be thinking, "Why are you taking advice from complete strangers? How do you know they're right?" I'm not sure that they are, but I do know that the principle of talking less and listening more is biblical. (Here's a list of 100 verses on the subject!)
My take-away? The more I talk, the more chance I have of saying something stupid, hurtful, exaggerated, boastful, or plain old boring. It would be better to use fewer words but make sure those words are truthful, helpful, interesting, necessary, and kind (the classic "THINK" principle). It's like the difference between having ten pairs of cheap, uncomfortable, and ugly shoes or one pair of solid, comfortable, and attractive shoes. Quality over quantity, yes?
Have a wonderful Monday!
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