Pānui for whānau with kids in education

Hey beautiful Māmā! Kia ora Matua! Nanny, Papa, Aunty, Uncle – yes you, the one who has dedicated a huge part of yourself to raising our tamariki and rangatahi, our rangatira mō āpōpō, our leaders of tomorrow.

I just wanted to tell you that I see you, and you’re doing an amazing job.

Yes, I know you lost your patience earlier this week and growled the kids over something minor, and now you feel guilty.

Yes, I know there are important things on your to-do list that you still haven’t organised or completed, and it feels overwhelming.

Yes, I know you didn’t see the notice about the kaitahi and now you have to send your kid with a random assortment of fruit and nuts to share with the class. Again with the guilt…

Do you know how I know? Because I’ve been there too! I’m there right now… but let’s just stop for a sec and think about why we feel so guilty.

In my opinion, we feel guilty because we love and care about our kids so much, and every time we show up as less than perfect we worry about the damage we might have caused to our kids or our relationship with them. So maybe our guilt is a horrible and twisted measure of our love?

I know it sometimes feels like we just need to push harder to be better, but what if instead of giving more to everyone else, the answer to being a 'better' parent with less guilt was actually in giving a bit more to ourselves?

Here’s some examples of what you can do to have more time and energy to be the parent you want to be:

Make your life easier so you can be the best you can be

First up, check your assumptions and expectations. Are you prioritising the things that really matter to you and your family? Or are you doing what you’ve always done based on what you think you should be doing, or what others seem to be doing?

Try doing an audit on all the things in your life that take your time and energy, and think about whether these things are truly adding value or not.

Hopefully this can make some space in your life for value-add stuff like self-care and quality time (with yourself, and others who are important to you).

Self-care vs self indulgence

When I hear the word ‘self-care’ I think spa baths and bubbly – but these things alone aren’t going to build you up in the long run.

Self-care is about taking care of yourself in a way that strengthens your overall wellbeing in the long run as well as the short-term.

So eat the cake, have that beer, or watch that whole Netflix series - but don’t forget the things you know are important but don’t feel as appealing, like sorting out those appointments that you need to re-book for yourself, doing some exercise or having an early night.

Whakaaro pai, ka puta ko te pai

Have you ever asked your kid to tidy their room for the third time, only to find not a finger has been lifted? And then got disproportionately grumpy and yelled “WHY IS IT LIKE THIS!?!?” while tears well up in your child’s tiny, innocent eyes?

I have! And boy did I feel awesome immediately after... and by awesome I mean guilty, sad, incompetent, inadequate, guilty, etc etc.

What I’ve found, is that if I sit in that space for too long, I’m actually robbing myself and my daughter of an opportunity to talk about it, apologise, and move on.

Self-talk is hugely powerful, so instead of sitting there thinking about how crap I am as a parent, I’ve started to take this approach:

Acknowledge what has happened and that my reaction was over the top
Acknowledge no one is perfect all the time
Think about factors that might have contributed to my reaction (most recently, I realised having my angel at home for days on end while I try to work is triggering for me, something for me to be more aware of in future)
Talk to my kid, acknowledge and apologise for my actions
Cuddle, and move on to something positive.

I’m a big believer in the saying ‘whakaaro pai, ka puta ko te pai’ meaning, if you think positive thoughts, positive things will happen.

It’s the same with negative thoughts too - so absolutely acknowledge and learn from your mistakes, but remember there is no value in wallowing in those guilty feelings for too long.

We’re not perfect – deal with it

There’s so much pressure to be perfect; being the perfect partner and parent, having kids that always do what they’re told, never feeling sad, angry or overwhelmed, having a six-pack and looking great, managing a career while managing a household…. e hoa mā, these standards are not realistic or normal.

And even if you know someone who seems to manage this kind of life, chances are they’re actually struggling under the surface, and/or will eventually burn out.

So rather than trying to cling to this fake idea of perfection, let’s cut the crap and make room for what’s important.

I mean, will anyone die if we just have toasties for tea sometimes?

Aiming for perfection will rob you of your time and energy that could be better spent on self-care or spending quality time with your loved ones.

So next time you start to feel guilty or inadequate because of *insert an endless number of examples here*, lower your expectations of yourself and those around you, and be kind to yourself and others, because most of us (kids included) are just doing our best with what we’ve got in the tank.

Hang in there team, we've got this!

- These are the personal reflections of Amanda Kirby, writer/editor for Kia Manawaroa.