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for a short moment he is drifting away in the memories, then bringing himself back. "And she knows herself and her childhood wounds so well..."
I see how his heart is going out to her.
"Very aware of her sabotaging behaviors, recognizes and articulates clearly what is triggering her and why..."
He is stopping again, his glaze is full of empathy and pain.
"How come...", he is trying to find the right words,
"How come... she's reacting so strongly, attacking, blaming, when she is thinking that I didn't see her, or listen to her, or did something wrong to her...?"
I can feel his distress, that he really can't settle this confusing contradiction.
"And no matter how much I apologize", He is continuing, "trying to explain, saying that I love her, that she is the only person I really care about in this world..."
His despair is obvious,
"She is so angry and offended, it can go on and on... sometimes even for days..."
He is letting out a deep, sad sigh. It's heavy on him.
"This is so exhausting. For both of us, I know that for her too. I really don't know what to do... I love her so much, but I don't know if I can continue like this".
I'm quiet, his words are hanging in the air.
Listening to everything that wasn't said, but is very present.
"And then", I'm asking after a while, "After these few days of frictions, what's happening? How is it calming down?"
"I'm not sure...", He is admitting. "Maybe she is just deciding to put it behind her? But it's only a matter of time until it happens again, another explosion and drama. It's so stressing".
And, this is another painful aspect of
what I call "The tragedy of the smart strong conscious women",
of being pushed by society to function in a knowledge based sphere,
instead of bringing forward soulful gifts, tendencies, depth and wisdom,
and constantly feeling the gap between being perceived by the world as perfect and successful,
while feeling inside lonely, unappreciated and unfulfilled.
In this rational high achievement game,
emotions are considered as a weakness.
So in spite of the natural sensitivity,
you learn to push your deep emotions aside -
and show logical and socially appropriate,
keep many things to yourself,
express a pretty restrained and controlled range of affection.
And use emotions to ignite a forceful objection to unfairness and disrespect,
although it sometimes perceived as crazy or dramatic.
And were never really taught
how to look after your rich inner world and regulate its tides,
how to nurture a stable and reliable inner core of a calm and certain confidence,
and how to transfer storming and overwhelming feelings
into a marvelous charismatic magnet of joy, harmony, collaboration, abundance and success.
So going back to unpredictable fluctuations
between self knowledge and sudden outbursts and snapping,
it is one thing to know and understand,
in the head,
and a totally different one to practice awaken, attentive, self regulation.
To, in real time, recognize the trigger and take a deep breath,
turn in and mindfully acknowledge, accept and embrace the inner hurt and terrified child,
gently, lovingly and compassionately surrender and sink into the pain,
let it be - - -
and allow the magic to happen:
The natural release and shift into an infinite calmness.
It's powerful. It's magnetic. It gives full choice and mastery.
And enables astonishing miracles.
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