spend long nights in slow, quiet heart to heart talks with dear friends, transparent and genuine,
share my private hopes and fears,
happy to be known and acknowledged.
It was only after a big life changing event,
which sent me straight into a deep painful self exploration and a profound self work,
that I found how guarded and defensive I was all the years.
How I never really admit that I please and repress -
manipulate people to stay with me,
while secretly retain tons of resentment and rage for not being reciprocated.
How I don't let people come close and truly see me -
because they will find who I really am and run away.
How I avoid facing my own hurts, anxieties, disappointments, lack of confidence, self deprecation...
Proud of my high self awareness and knowledge -
while in fact live in denial and disconnection,
ignore painful truths.
How I lie when I'm afraid to be considered untrustworthy
(what characteristic of yours do you consider essential?)
How I don't ask for what I really want -
because I "don't want to be done favors",
but angry and frustrated when what I want doesn't happen
And how... and how...
And how I hold myself back from expressing love and affectionate feelings,
showing that I do care,
confessing that I'm attached -
not to let anyone (including me...) know that it's not really that "I don't need anyone I have myself",
but I do need, and miss,
and feel lonely and empty and sad when I'm not included and left alone for too long.
My illusion of being open and transparent
was, obviously, partially true;
I did share, disclose my hidden thoughts, laugh at myself -
but it was very controlled and monitored.
As long as I was sure enough that I won't be judged too harshly, rejected, excluded,
or in any other way seriously scolded or punished.
But, hey -
no one wants to be judged or harshly punished, right??
Well, it will happen only if they think that this is what they deserve...
And vibrate guilt, shame, embarrassment.
Projection and reflection.
We live from inside out anyway,
but when I fully accept and respect myself and my choices,
including those which stem from fear -
that's ok, I grow and learn every day,
and my scared parts are embraced just like my enlightened ones -
when I don't push for attention and approval
when I don't resist an optional rejection -
only then, I can experience and inspire wholeness, certainty, calmness,
and get back - - -
doesn't matter what.
Because I'm open and honest for my own sake,
and know that I can peacefully handle and compassionately deal with
anything that comes in my way.
And this is what makes me really free to live life to its fullest.
|
