The Salty Paws                    April 2023

Now it's April.

Only a few short months until we're overrun by pale, flabby tourists with ice cream stains all down the front of their clothing who smell like suntan lotion and are leading an onslaught of children who are trained far worse than my dogs.

But it's not all awesome.

There will no doubt be horrific incidents like this one:

Mr. Maine
I was minding my business at the end of the bar at the Newagen Inn and two older ladies sat next to me and ordered cocktails. They were joined a bit later by an obviously urban-sophisticated gentleman who always seemed to have a condescending half-smile.

They chatted a bit and then he went to use the restroom.

One of the ladies leaned to the other and confidentially said, "He knows Maine quite well. He's been here six times."


Bedazzled
And there's this little gem when I was in the Southport General store years ago, chatting with Oliver about nothing.

A summer resident crashed through the door and power-walked herself into the store with a bedazzled, wide-eyed friend in tow.

Powerwalker strode past us and raised her hand curtly- like an abbreviated Nazi salute and said rapidly, "HiOliver,HiJanet,HiDon,HiSam..." She looked straight ahead and whisked past us to the wine room out back.

It was obviously Bedazzled's first time in the Boothbay region, or probably outside Buttknuckle Massachusetts for that matter. And she was clearly impressed with Powerwalker's casual treatment of the natives in the face of the bewildering local customs.

Bedazzled smiled and said "Hi" to us as she slowly made her way after Powerwalker. She looked all around the store in wonderment-- amazed that such things as General Stores still existed in the world outside Buttknuckle.

WE LOVE HATE MAIL!

THE WOMAN WITH THE 1-STAR REVIEW


Having an e-commerce website is like being an overworked schizophrenic where every day is either Christmas or a Colonoscopy.

There are days where the orders roll in and you feel on top of the world. Some days you get a $500 order and want to congratulate yourself on being such a genius. But most days are having just a few orders.

Then there are the knuckleheads like Blake and Philip - who are total nightmares. They ignore my calls and emails. They claim I bill them for products they didn't order.

Of course, if I were in the situation they claim to be, the first thing I'd do is call my credit card. But they never seem to get around to it. It's much easier to call up a small store and yell at an employee who has no idea what you're talking about. It's also super satisfying to write a horrible review about how "The Owner" threatened to show up at your house in Weevil, Texas and beat your children with a crankshaft to "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats.

I guess the point of this whole rambling opening is that I've experienced quite a range of customer reactions and reviews to our website. But nothing could prepare me for the incomprehensible Lisa Bell.

She sent me an email on the morning of February 27th that simply said, "My item was never delivered." I looked into it and the item was delivered.

So I began to write an email back about how I'd be glad to send a replacement if she'd fill out a form I needed to activate the Post Office Insurance.

Then I got a notification someone reviewed the Catnip Wool Ball. And it was Lisa Bell. It said;

"Disappointed. Item is marked as delivered on February 17th. It is now February 27th. I have never received a delivery." It was rated One Star.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. Did she think I was the Post Office? Did she think the Catnip Ball deserved a 1-star rating? Did she think this 1-star review would make me want to help her? What planet was she writing from?

You can go to the page link above and read my actual response. But this is what I wanted to write:

"Dear Ms. Bell Jar;

I'm having trouble figuring out whether you are really young or really old. Perhaps you are middle-aged and just soft in the head. No matter.

"It seems like you are having trouble identifying the source of your passive-aggressiveness. Why would you give the poor, poor catnip ball a 1-star review? Technically, you are not qualified to give a review at all, as you admit you never received the product. It would be like me writing a poor review of Moby Dick without ever actually hunted a white whale.

"In my future potential customers' eyes, this will make your review suspect. And therefore I must report you to Google's Truth In Internet Reviews Ministry (GTIIRM). Please understand this is only a formality I am required to perform. GTIIRM has only ever revoked internet access for people who give slightly more inaccurate reviews than you did here. Unless you wrote a whole bunch more unfathomable reviews in the last year. Then GTIIRM will batter your front door down in the middle of the night and relocate you to a horrible little island off the coast of Greenland without internet access and where your only activity will be growing a lichen garden from your own pee and sputum.

"In the meantime, please allow me to assure you that GTIIRM will tell me where to send your refund check that must be notarized by 3 Eskimos and a Beluga whale within 15 days of issue to be valid.

"If you have any other urge to purchase anything from my website, please stab yourself in the temple with a railroad spike.

"I remain,

Regional Director for Google's Truth In Internet Reviews Department

~ Don (Not a Dog or Eskimo)