"I'll never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera. "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
— Jerry Seinfeld
“Don’t ask me about my pan pizza, it’s personal.”
— Doug Benson
“Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, Does this taste funny to you?”
— Joe Mande’s Dad
“Imagine ordering from a waitress everything that you get at a buffet. Yes, I’d like to start with some spaghetti, two chicken wings, a Jell-o cube, and a few beets. And for my next plate, I will have a hard shell taco filled with ham cubes — I will take one bite of that and realize it was a horrible mistake. I’ll have some ice cream and I’ll have some salad …”
— Matt Knudsen