"I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them."
— Emo Phillips
"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary"
— George Carlin
“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for.”
— W.C. Fields
“Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.?
— From The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case (1930).
