“The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft..”
— Alan King
"I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from."
— Albert Brooks
“Is it just me or is gas high? They ain't been a drive-by for three weeks. You hear n****s going, "I can't afford to kill that motherf**ker! I can't!.”
— Paul Mooney
“My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.”
— Maria Bamford