Saying No, Hearing No

Now, millions of pulped trees, billions of billable therapy hours, and thousands of TikToks have been spent addressing the subjects of setting boundaries and dealing with rejection, so we're not going to solve the problem in this email…

But, I think it’s worth addressing some of the comedy-specific reasons both of these things are pretty difficult.

But first, here’s a little thought experiment for you:

"Can I get your number?"

"Can I borrow your car to drive to a gig in CT on Wednesday?"

"Do you want to babysit my kids all weekend?"

"Can you work overtime on Saturday?"

"Can I get the week of the 21st off?"

"Can I work at your club?"

"Could you do a weekend in Ohio for $200? We can’t cover travel or lodging"

Take a minute to think about how similar or different you feel about those asks. Some may be more or less comfortable because they have a formal process involved or because they feel like a fair trade, or because they are clearly a favor vs an obligation vs taking advantage.

There’s no light bulb or “answer” per se here, just an exercise to get you to think about times you are more or less comfortable saying no. Hopefully there’s some things you can say no to already, and you can start from there to build a mental framework for saying no to other things.

Some reasons it’s especially hard to say “No” in comedy

I’m not claiming that it’s harder to say “No” in comedy than in any other work, family or personal relationship. But there is a special sauce that makes it uniquely difficult.

That fear that if you say “No” you’ll never be asked again
The fact that this business is riddled with egomaniacs and chaos monsters
The fact that the line between personal and professional is almost always blurry
A major lack of transparency, so it can be hard to even know if you’re being taken advantage of!

Someone can ask you to do something and you can say “No” and that doesn’t make either of you a bad person!

First of all, you can say No and you will be asked again! Being unreliable is a pattern, not a one time thing.

Second, have a group of people you can check in with and rely on for honesty and perspective. Make sure they are the right people! Watch out for the Kings of Open Mics and Snake Oil Salesmen. Ask the potentially uncomfortable questions about how much they got paid for something similar, or if this is in the range of “normal” for a given opportunity.

So this doesn’t become a multi volume novel, I think I’ll save a discussion of the fears, pitfalls and obstacles to transparency in comedy for another week.

Third, maniacs gonna maniac. Most instances I know of comedians getting a lunatic response to a polite and timely “No” are from inexperienced folks who don’t have much to show for how big their ego is (For example, producers of an unpaid bar show that regularly has an audience of 3-6 people).

Of course, there are plenty of bad pennies who just keep coming around and somehow amass power over something actually valuable. About half those folks are going to hold a grudge… until you become successful enough that they can’t anymore. The other half are so out there that they’ll send you an excruciatingly long abusive text about turning down a spot… and then offer you another one 3 hours later.

In all of those cases, you might as well have the knowledge that you held firm on your boundaries to get through the tantrum they throw.

Hearing “No” gracefully is a rare and powerful trait

You can ask for something and the other person can say “No” and that doesn’t make either of you a bad person!

It’s hard hearing “No” - it’s always disappointing, there’s no way around that. But hearing “No” gracefully can be both a powerful tool to advance your career and to safeguard your mental health.

I’ve banged on about this a lot, but let me repeat some key things!

More often than not, it’s not about you, you didn’t do anything “wrong”
Progress is not a straight line!
We all want to be somewhere faster but this career is slow and arduous

And remember, “‘No’ is a complete sentence” works both ways. You are not entitled to an explanation (there may not even be one in the way you’re thinking of it) and even if you get one, it probably won’t scratch that itch anyway.

But if you do get an explanation or feedback, please consider that a bonus and actually listen and absorb it. An explanation is not a to do list or side quest to run out and check off then come right back. Nor is it an opening to try and plead your case or argue that the person saying “No” is wrong. Guess what? Comedy is subjective, humans are subjective, so everything is this business is subjective.

The Silent “Yet”

So, all those points are really centered on your own processing of rejection, hopefully in as healthy a way as you can. But, for purely strategic reasons, you should also accept “No” gracefully because most rejections come with a silent “Yet.”

Your time may still come - maybe a redo of the same opportunity in a couple years or the person telling you “No” for ABC right now will go on to be the Gatekeeper for XYZ in the future. If you’ve left a bad taste in that person’s mouth with your reaction, you will be much lower on their list of priorities for these future opportunities.

But what if it’s really wrong?

The exception to this is if you receive a rejection that is racist, sexist, anti-queer, or otherwise bigoted. Feel free to let the Gatekeeper know “I see you” if you want!

You aren’t obligated to - it may help you and others in a small way, a big way or not at all. And keeping it as professional as possible so they can’t latch onto something you’ve said or done and change the narrative can be exhausting.

But this is definitely a case where they broke the social contract first, so go right ahead and call them out.

But your personal belief that your rejection was unfair, no matter how strongly held it is or how deeply true it feels right now is, not the same thing as being discriminated against. So before you fire off that flaming hot email, get a reality check from a friend or two.

Of course, you are probably burning that bridge completely if you do so. And that’s a complicated thing to weigh out. I think I’ll save that mess of a swamp for the future transparency email as well.

Make Your Peace with No

For some of us, it’s much harder saying it than hearing it, for others exactly the opposite. But “No” is a huge part of this journey, so you need to make friends with it (or at least be able to journey comfortably knowing it’s lurking around a lot of bends)

Also neither Obi Wan nor The Doctor have said No is a complete sentence to the best of my knowledge, but they seem more fun than any of the bajillion therapists, self help gurus and whoever that have. It’s so common I don’t even think you could find the original attribution if you tried (I did not try 😂)