Don’t Worry!

You’re (Probably) Not The Asshole

Just a quick follow up to the last newsletter, because I know my people and I assume at least half of you are now mentally replaying every email you’ve ever sent and berating yourself.

Narcissists never ask “am I too self involved?” Taking that down to a non-medical level, generally if you’re the kind of person who worries if they are being polite, you are being polite.

And even if your mental rolodex of Evil Thoughts to Keep You Up at Night contains a gaffe here or there… it’s probably okay! Unless you were really out of line, it probably went unnoticed. I’ve had a few people apologize to me for things I literally don’t remember because they were so minimal compared to the actual bozos.

So here’s a selection (you may have already seen on Instagram) of terrible replies. I’m sure you’ve never sent anything this ludicrous so you’re in the clear. For a bonus I’ve added some more context and an extra DO to go along with all these DONTs.

DO Follow Instructions

If a Booker takes the time to give you explicit instructions such as:

Please follow up with me in February

Please remind me next Wednesday
Can you send me example lineups of other shows you’ve produced

They are not blowing you off! They are asking you to fit into their process and schedule. Sometimes that’s just a flex, but typically it’s because they are interested! They just need you to present them with the right information at the right time.

Why This Isn’t Cool

First off, it’s very rude to your peers and shows an ugly competitive side that I’m not interested in working with.

I’ve actually received a version of this many, many times. Sometimes pointing out they are funnier than a specific number of people on the lineup or calling out a specific person! 😱

This also shows a complete lack of understanding that many people build lineups to include a range of levels so, yes, you may be more experienced than two of the people on a given show, but that’s intentional!

Why This Isn’t Cool

Woof! The real person who I was thinking about for this example actually screamed it at one of our box office people. So, no, no you aren’t a real comedian if you don’t even know the person checking guests in has nothing to do with the audition and booking process.

But in the more general case, it’s a good thing to include other clubs and high profile shows you’ve performed at in a sort of mini bio when introducing yourself to a Booker.

But don’t use it as some kind of hammer or leverage! Because we’re human with egos too! I always had a sense in my mind about which other shows and clubs were better, lesser or about even with mine. And I was also pretty tuned in to other Bookers’ preferences and biases. And I had my own, too!

So, great, you work at an equivalent club. Good for you, I may be looking for other things. Even if you are my cup of tea, I just may not have room on the roster for you right now. But that sort of behavior, just changed the Silent Yet to a Never.

If you work at a “worse” club and you’re trying to leverage that, then I’m offended you don’t see the greater value in mine. If you work at a “better” club, well then now you’re just trying to Big Time me and no, thank you, sir.

Why This Isn’t Cool

I hope it’s pretty obvious and gave you a good laugh, but just to be explicit… This is not a democracy or a court of law. There’s no point arguing with a “No.”

And even if it was a court, maybe don’t use another comedian I didn’t pass as your only witness.

And I may well have also thought you were very funny but didn’t fit the tone, style, or demographics I know work at my club or are the niche I’m currently trying to fill.

Why This Isn’t Cool

Again, kind of rude to your peers. There’s an implication that you are better or more deserving than whoever you referenced.

Plus it shows a complete lack of understanding of a club as a whole business. So-and-so could have been waiting for twice as long as you, but auditions also don’t need to be first come, first serve. There’s dozens of business reasons why someone gets priority over others.

I got a few dozen of these any time we did even a single one off audition, and definitely every time there was a showcase. Thank god all 200+ people still on the wait list didn’t all do it, I’d spend the whole day just clearing my inbox!

Hopefully this’ll help quell any demons nibbling at your brain!