Dear Afraid and Confused,

You are in a very difficult situation, and I can imagine how frightened and afraid for your safety you feel right now. Parenting a young adult with a dual diagnosis, demonstrating aggressive and potentially violent behaviour, is not easy to navigate. Many parents find themselves in your position and struggle to find the best option and solution for them. 

There are wonderful workshops and training on Aggression Towards Family/Caregivers in Childhood and Adolescence (and adulthood). These resources guide families in creating safety plans during calm moments, emphasizing the importance of slowing down, and maintaining personal grounding. They counsel families to match the intensity, not the emotion, and underscore the significance of reaching out to your support network while prioritizing self-care. They highlight evidence-based treatments showing promise in situations like these, such as Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) and Neuro De-escalation.

While some parents can successfully live with their adult child with a dual diagnosis, this option may not be feasible for others. It can be agonizing to realize that finding an alternative living arrangement may be best for everyone. No solution fits every family - each situation is unique and may require a different answer. 

When navigating this difficult path, learning about your options is the best place to start. Developmental Services Ontario (DSO) is the access point for adult developmental services funded by the Ministry of Children, Community and Social Services in Ontario and a great resource. Working with a DSO housing navigator and/or using their housing toolkit can help you understand and explore housing options available (Housing | DSO (dsontario.ca). 

When safety is involved, it is important to examine the current living situation and evaluate how detrimental to your well-being it is to continue to live with a constant threat of violence. Is the current living arrangement sustainable for a healthy relationship with my son? How feasible is this current living arrangement for me, my family, and my son? 

Parenting is not easy and sometimes requires us to step back and look at the bigger long-term picture when making difficult decisions. Many parents fear deciding to ask their adult child to live elsewhere will damage their relationship. Although the relationship between you and your son may become strained in the short term, having your son live elsewhere can have a positive long-term outcome for your relationship.   Some parents find that having a buffer zone and living separately can help repair, build, and foster a stronger, healthier relationship. 

If your son does become violent or you feel there is a threat of violence, calling 911 is essential. Many parents feel shame and guilt and find it difficult to pick up the phone in these moments and call the police on their child. Your safety is important, and you have the right to live in a safe environment. If you are hesitating to make that call, ask yourself: what would I do if this was a neighbour threatening to hurt me? Or what would I tell my friend if they were asking for my advice in this situation? Sometimes it is necessary to call 911, which sends a clear message to your son that you will not tolerate being threatened or hurt.

Support for you as the caregiver through this time is crucial. Many parents don’t feel they can share what they are going through with close friends and family out of fear of judgement. Reach out for support for yourself from Pleo or any support network you have. Also consider talking to a counsellor for yourself - as the caregiver walking this road: Counselling Connect.

At Pleo, we are also here to help support you during this journey, and you can connect with one of our Family Peer Supporters by calling our Helpline. We are all parents with lived experience supporting a child or youth with a mental health challenge. 
 
We are open Monday to Friday, 9am-7pm. You can reach us at 613-321-3211 or 855-775-7005 (toll-free).
 
You don’t have to go through this alone.
 
Sincerely,
Pleo Family Peer Supporter